I sat on the roof

And I kicked off the moss.

For serious, I had to re-enter my password to get in here. So much for "by the end of the week," huh? Well, that's par for course, and I'd hate to leave y'all with nothing but posts of "Waaah I don't know what to write" and "Waaah I don't update enough." There have been happenings. Mostly regarding boards, but there have been some nice travels to the neighbor to the north, and there have been just... just incredible bizarre dates. Well, there was really only one. It was really bizarre. Not the worst I've had (because, hey, there were good times had) but certainly the weirdest.

Stories for another day, though.

I had hoped to update yesterday, but I didn't get around to it. Yes, I was studying. Deal with it. These are the choices I have made, and you're going to have to accept that. You're lucky I tipsily willed myself to write something tonight. I was about to do a video blog, and that would have just ended terribly.  We should put in a picture here, don't you think?

It was either this or Metapod. So meta.

Anyway, now that that's out of the way (still looks weird to put in double words à la "that that" or "had had"), let's talk about why I should have updated yesterday. Well, there's a simple reason. And that reason is Christina Hendricks, who turned 38 yesterday. But since she is timeless, she really just turned 0 and infinity AT THE SAME TIME yesterday. Can I get a fuck yeah Schrödinger?

"Actually, the whole 'Schrödinger's Cat' thing was just a thought experiment he proposed to make the more currently accepted form of quantum mechanics-" SHUT UP, DIRAC.

Anyway, here's to you, Christina Hendricks. You have a picture of you with a bow and arrow, and that is ridiculously awesome. You can hunt me as the most dangerous game any day of the week, and I will end you, because Christina Hendricks or not, I don't take being hunted lightly. Bring your A-game. And your G-string (HIYO. And sorry, Mom and Dad.)

This even gets to be extra large, because it's the first thing I think I've seen with her NOT in a dress since Firefly.

Anyway, on to what I was going to talk about weeks ago. Shorts. Do you think Christina Hendricks wears shorts? Well, I did some research (by which I mean that I typed "Christina Hendricks shorts" into Google Images), and here's what I found.

She eats uses a bow and arrow (see above).

She eats watermelon and manages to look not like Rorschach eating a can of beans.

She does manage to look like Zoidberg, though. She also has lovely thoughts regarding men.

She looks freaking adorable in her wedding (almost enough for me not to have angry eye daggers at Geoffrey Arend. ALMOST.)

If you don't think that's absolutely friggin' adorable, I will stab you with a rusty cell phone.

But she does NOT wear shorts. She wears skirts, she wears dresses, and she wears pants, but shorts? I have seen NOTHING. NOT A FRIGGIN' THING. This can only lead me to conclude again something that I have known for quite some time.

Shorts are stupid.

No, seriously. They're useful, yes, but only once the temperature has risen beyond the realms of reasonable fashions. If it's in the 70s (low- to mid-30s for all you Centigrade loons out there, and 300s for all those REASONABLE SCIENTIFIC MINDS out there), you can get by with jeans. 80s? Okay, might be getting a bit warm, but you can still deal. Lord knows that if there's a stiff breeze, you'll want the protection. Plus, what if you have to run through a thicket? There are bugs there that will try to give you nasty parasites, and that's just awful.

Who's a cute little Babesia, giving folks malaria like symptoms? You are!

Once it hits the 90s, though, we're out of the realm of fashion. I still wear my wonderful shirts from Express (because I am classy like that), but I give up on any antiperspirant effects once I walk out the door. And, what do you know, I'm wearing shorts at that point. I have decided, "Hey, I can't look good right now, so I might as well try to vent as much heat as possible."

See, I carry a lot of stuff in my pockets. I was actually super stoked a year or two ago when cargo shorts seemed to be back. "More pockets is cool again?" I said, having left an understood gerund at the beginning of the question. "Amazing." But then I remembered that for some reason, my cargo shorts have the corners of the side pockets sewn down. I still don't understand that. Thankfully, I don't need to, because the inseams on all my pairs have worn out, and certain laws prohibit me from wearing them anymore. It's for everyone's good, really.

Even being Batman isn't helping this kid.

Don't get me wrong- shorts have their purpose. It's just a stupid purpose. My parents, to their credit, got me some very nice shorts for my birthday. I've worn them twice (partly because winter decided to summer in Charleston, it seems), but I still can't shake the feeling that I'm wearing (as Batman so eloquently put it) "a small boy's Sunday trousers." I mean, the rules are terrible. Should it be below the knee? Probably not, because Christina would hate it. What about above the knee? Well, how much above the knee is acceptable? And what if I grow a few inches but don't expand in the waist? Can I still wear these? Or not?

These are problems I had. Then, I accepted that shorts are just stupid, and wearing them is an act of surrender to the elements. I'm not ashamed to surrender to them. Sometimes they give us nice days. Sometimes they give us terrible, terrible days as if to say, "HEY FUCKFACE. YEAH. YOU. I'M TALKING TO YOU. GET OFF YOUR GODDAMNED ASS AND GO WORK ON THAT SHIT THAT'S DUE TOMORROW. WHAT, YOU WANTED TO GO WALK OUTSIDE? FUCK YOU. IT'S RAINING NOW. I WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN WITH SOME GODDAMNED LIGHTNING IF YOU DON'T SIT. THE FUCK. DOWN. AND DO YOUR FUCKING WORK. YEAH, YOU BETTER RUN."

The elements are actually Joe Pesci. He makes sure he sounds like Morgan Freeman, though. Yeah, try working THAT through your internal reading voice.

"But, Rob," you may say, "what about GIRLS' shorts?" To which I might say, "It's LADIES' shorts, dude." But, again, you run into the classic problem with women's attire. The pockets. If I'm wearing pants, it's to have pockets. Otherwise, I'd wear a Speedo. Well, unless it's cold or indecent. Okay, fine, I probably wouldn't wear a Speedo, but I have, and there are pictures. It's a sight to see.

Look, ladies don't have great legwear options. There are skirts and dresses, but those can snag on things, and that's never fun. Yes, there are pants and shorts, but they don't have the pocket space you would want, so then they have to carry a purse. I mean, they couldn't fit their wallets into any pockets to begin with (because apparently someone decided that women need wallets the size of a forearm), but that's just more stupidity on manufacturers' parts. So what are they left with? Leggings? Dude, if you're just wearing leggings, you're worse than Der Fledermensch up there.

Impressive, but still horrendous. Amusingly so, though.

But back to shorts. I get that Daisy Duke ruined things for everyone. That doesn't mean I want to see the tips of your pockets. Yes, you may have wonderful legs. You may not. That doesn't particularly matter. You can wear a skirt or a dress that shows off your legs. They'll even do it without showing off your pockets. They won't be quite so weirdly tight, which just seems counter-intuitive to the whole stupid point of shorts. "Hey, I want to cool off, so I'm going to wear something absurdly tight around my hips. Sweat won't even be able to squeeze out past the fabric. That will really help me cool down. Thanks, Target!"

And denim on shorts? Look, there were a lot of poor decisions in the late 80s and early 90s. We shouldn't have to live with them anymore. Denim is the opposite of what you want to stay cool. Durable? Absolutely. Breathable? Not so much.

Anyway, it's still somewhat chilly in Charleston (especially for May), so I'm going to keep wearing my jeans, and they will keep me plenty warm as I study in the library. I don't know that any academic buildings really get the whole "climate control" concept. One day, though. But for kicks (and because I clearly ran out of steam and am AWFUL at endings) here's a blurry picture of Christina in which maybe she was wearing shorts? We can't tell. WE CAN'T TELL.

WHAT SECRETS DOES THAT JACKET HIDE?