I guess you could say that this SUITS me just fine. See? Suits? Oh. you probably haven't gotten to the actual post yet. Well, this will be super funny once you do. Carry on, then.

I have been tasked with writing a post for tonight. Apparently my dictionary has been changed to French or some such, because Firefox is insisting that I've misspelled words more often than usual. (Before this parenthetical, we were at 25 out of 32 words. That's over 75%. My spelling isn't THAT bad.) Much better. Get that French reform out of here. We'll speak only the orthodox French in this blog.

I have no idea what's going on here, but it came up under "orthodox French," and it looks amazing.

However, beyond my problems with writing English in French reform (and beyond simply writing a post this evening), I have been tasked with writing a post on one of three things. First off, thanks to Queen Anne (you know who you are and why you have this name. Or maybe you don't. I tend to do stretches, but this is less of one than usual.) for these topics. Second off, the three topics, WHICH ARE:

• Three piece suits and why ladies love them
• Braveheart
• Lab test monkeys

(Oh shit, are you seeing this? We're using bullets and shit. This is some straight up insanity. Madness, I say it is.)

King Leonidas begs to differ, whilst Lena Headey looks on. I would like to remind everyone that I have documented dibs on the inimitable Ms. Headey. No takebacks.

These are difficult topics under the best conditions. But then, Queen Anne, when asked about her faith in my ability to write about one of these topics, was unable to be reached for comment. Plus, I haven't had any bourbon (but I HAVE had plenty of beer whilst watching Battleship and playing a brutal, BRUTAL drinking game with it. Seriously. We had to forfeit. It was ugly and tried to kill us.)

THIS JUST IN. QUEEN ANNE HAS BEEN REACHED FOR COMMENT. HER WORDS WERE, "I have faith in your ability to do anything except transfigure yourself into a pterosaur." Curses. She's found my only weakness. Well, aside from Christina Hendricks and Lena Headey. And Emma Stone. Okay, so I have many weaknesses, but they're all perfectly justifiable with a quick Google Image search. It's okay. I'll wait.

Given that I really only have one topic (because what am I going to say about Braveheart? That the Scotsman is a wonderful specimen and is the closest thing to perfection you could hope to find? Surely that's obvious by now.),

Well, of course. But, please, don't call me Shirley. And I'll interrupt a sentence when I damned well please.

I suppose that I'll have to talk about the three-piece suit issue. Bear with me here, because there's a cop-out a-comin'.

First off, folks like three piece suits because they accentuate the good physical aspects of a person. I have a vest. I like my vest very much. I fondly remember the day that I went to Celio to purchase it, because they were having a sale, only to find that the vest was not on sale. I learned a great deal about vests that day, most of them dealing with how to avoid looking like Aladdin.

Originally it was something about the line of the vest, but clearly that's not the case here. I think it's really the material, and things that will become evident soon enough (THEREBY USING THIS IMAGE AS AN EARLY TRANSITION, OR PERHAPS EVEN FORESHADOWING. THESE ARE SOME LITERARY DEVICES, FOLKS).

However, in wearing the vest (which does NOT make me look like Aladdin), I found that it makes me stand up straighter, which means I have better posture, thereby looking more confident. Plus, a vest makes you look classy, especially if played properly. And they're an extra layer of warmth without looking like a bag lady with 8 inches of heavy coat on you. Functional, yes. Flattering, no.

I was going to make a comment, but the image source makes all the points against absurdly thick coats. That said, they are super useful when you have someplace to put them and need a lot of warmth. I've been served well by mine, but I was rarely fashionable in it.

Now, try to think of an actor in a three-piece suit. I'll bet you thought of one of the Sexy Ryans (Reynolds or Gosling, of course), Matt Bomer, or Joseph Gordon Levitt. BECAUSE THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WEARING THREE PIECE SUITS. And you know what? They're all thin-to-lean, and they're the folks with the body type to pull off this sort of suit. Even if you've got a little extra, a vest gives the line to make you look a little bit leaner, so if you've got a bigger body (John Goodman, Jonah Hill), it can make things work.

But then you get the doughier types. Jason Segel comes to mind. Jason Segel is freaking amazing. He was great in The Muppets, he was great in I Love You, Man, he was great in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and he has just generally been a saving grace in movies that would not have worked otherwise. He brings a sense of wonder and fun while also being able to bring in a bit of blasé and hurt. BUT try doing an image search for him in a three piece. You won't find it. He wears tuxes. (Or two piece suits with long and thin ties, but that's not the issue here, dude.)

Waffle House? Only if we're getting All Stars.

Would a three piece work for him? NO. His body tapers to the shoulders rather than to the waist. His lovable doughiness means that a vest would just look weird. The lines wouldn't work, and it would be terrible. A tux, though, gives him enough rounding to keep things from getting jarring while also being plenty formal and classy. Plus, he gets to wear bowties at jaunty angles like that. If you've never worn a bowtie at a jaunty angle, you've never truly lived, and we probably won't speak again until you try it out. Harsh, perhaps, but a necessary step. You only live once, after all.

Anyway, I could keep rambling on about lines and style and why three piece suits are cool but why tuxes are cool too and how it really depends on your body type and really women just love three piece suits because of the men who look good in them and therefore get publicized as wearing three piece suits, but you just want a picture of Ryan Gosling, so here you go.

Oh, hi there, ladies. I'm handsome yet approachable, and I'm wearing a three piece suit. No, don't all swoon at once. Aw, biscuits, they all swooned at once. AGAIN. I'd go help them, but at close range, those swoons could become terminal.