Regaling the Asylum: BLOGMAS: DAY 2, PART 2: FLESH AND BLOG AND STEPHEN COFFEE CAKETAT

Yeah, that was a reach on the title. Come and see it. It's quite incredible. You've got to see it.

I could have put a picture of Angel Bob from Doctor Who to better explain the title and that reference, but you're on your own there.Good times.

ANYHOO. I mildly like the name for the coffee cake, and can't think of a better one. Besides, strawberries remind me of Daleks right now. Or just Doctor Who in general. They're a very Doctor Who kind of fruit, don't you think?

I've only seen about 3 or 5 episodes of Doctor Who, by the way. I really have no place making these comments, but this is my blog, SO I DO WHAT I WANT.

Ahem.

On to the recipe.

STEPHEN MOFFTAT STRAWBERRY COFFEE CAKETAT

Okay, so before I start, this is a bit more complicated because I did the two parts (which will be revealed shortly) more or less in tandem. So things might get a bit dicey.

Anyhoo, I also just found out his name is Stephen Moffat. Oh well, now he won't be able to get me for libel or anything, given my extremely libelous comments that I've made thus far.

Additionally! Bev and Elmo are yelling. What else is new. Okay for serious let's get to the actual recipe, because this is freaking ridiculous.

Wow, I can't think of a good subject for the ingredients, and this is freaking me out something fierce.

Okay, here's a lame-ish one.

THE MIGHTY SONTARAN INGREDIENTS

For THE MIGHTY SONTARAN BATTER you will need:

250 g flour
80 g brown sugar
70 g white sugar
2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 tbsp cinnamon
115 g butter
7 "large-ish" (good Lord how did I make it as a chemist) strawberries, plus a lot more
1 egg
Around 250 mL milk
2 tsp vanilla

THE SOMEWHAT LESS MIGHTY THAN THE BATTER BUT STILL FORMIDABLE SONTARAN STREUSEL

30 g flour
70 g white sugar
70 g brown sugar
1 tsp cinnamon
55 g butter

EXTERMIBAKE

Going for the gusto.

So, for the batter, you'll want to start out by combining your flour, sugars, baking soda, and salt using a wooden spoon. I went for the gusto (you know, smoking and eating nibblies on the couch) by adding a tablespoon of cinnamon, and it didn't go badly. In tandem, I threw in the flour, sugar, and cinnamon for the streusel, because I wanted to cut in the butter all at the same time.

In retrospect, I should have left the butter in the fridge while doing so. It's hard to cube and cut in warmish butter, and for those of you who remember the repeated lessons in context clues that you likely got in public schools/standardized test prep, you've probably guessed that you have to cube and cut in that butter. It's a long process, but you can do it. Once it's in, you stir the mixtures (separately, of course) until they resemble coarse crumbs.

Now then, I know it's delicious (partly because I ate it already, since I made it a couple of weeks ago), set the streusel aside. It's better on the cake.

Take your strawberries, and sliver them. Make yourself feel like a man. Cut them nice and fine. Now stir them into the batter. It looks delicious, doesn't it? Keep working!

Now, crack an egg into a measuring cup (I know, it's weird, but bear with me). Add milk until the volume is about 1/4 L, so about (if I remember my conversions right) 1 cup of milk. Stir that over the crumbs until they're moistened. Take that business, and spread it into a greased cake pan nice and evenly.

At this point, you should still have a lot of strawberries, unless you're like me and were eating them along the way because you probably didn't eat breakfast or lunch or something like that. I'M NOT ANOREXIC I JUST CAN SAVE MONEY ON FOOD THIS WAY. Ahem. Sorry about that. Anyway, take those strawberries and cut them into rounds. Now put those rounds atop your cofee cake. Heck, I'll even put this into a chronology to torture you with how good it looks. Look at me, being all sadistic. I guess you could say I'm the happiest sadist, and if you said that it was an oxymoron I would ask where the hell you learned how to pronounce words, Madeleine L'Engle? And then I'd probably slap you, because seriously, that's not how you pronounce "sadist."

dunn dunnn dunnn

DUNN DUNN (BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM)

NO. DO NOT EAT THE STREUSEL. BAD. PUT THAT BOWL BACK DOWN.

Now take the strawberry topped deliciousness and put it in an oven heated to T5-T6, which I guess is like 300-350 F. Depends on your oven I suppose. Anyhoo, leave it in for like 15 minutes.

Poison dart frog of the baking kingdom, I tell you.

Now take it out. See how it jiggles? That's baked goods' way of saying "IF YOU EAT ME I WILL BURN THE BAJEEPERS OUT OF YOUR TONGUE." As with many animals, we take these warnings as a sign to hug/cuddle/pet/lick/eat these things. Do not do so. Instead, offer your streusel as a delicious topping for your cake. Now put it back in the oven for another 25ish minutes or (of course) until it's done.

ANYTHING THAT HOLDS THE IMAGE OF A DELICIOUS CAKE WELL IT DOESN'T BECOME A DELICIOUS CAKE BUT IT'S STILL REALLY DELICIOUS LOOKING

I was pretty happy with how this whole thing turned out. The strawberries didn't manifest as much as I'd like, but it stayed really moist and was just really good for quite some time. My parents even got to try it, and they regaléd (unless they were doing the whole parental lying thing); Bev of course thought it was too heavy and insists that I should make something light. I maintain that she's missing the point of desserts and baking. Agree to disagree. But meanwhile, have some pictures of the finished cake!