Afl'fht'agn

Well, it's no longer election season. I guess it technically might be until all the ballots come in and are tallied and such, but I'm considering it over, because geez. It needed to be. There were a lot of big talking points in there that... well, that don't need to be issues. Things that have no reason to be issues anymore, and in some sort of weird political Tourette syndrome, they'd be ABOUT to say something concrete about what would happen/why things haven't happened/why the sky is blue and would hearken back to some entirely unrelated issue.

And you know, there's been a lot of talk about a lot of issues this election season. One of the big ones is health care and funding for the public sector, both of which are issues that hit me right in the pocketbook heart. That's silly. I didn't say pocketbook. Who even owns a pocketbook anymore? I have a wallet and a checkbook, thank you, and only one of them goes in a pocket. I don't think I have enough paper in it to qualify it as a book.

But yes, there's some big things at stake. Some people have even compared some of these things to an inevitable zombie apocalypse. Joss Whedon had a very hilarious bit about it that I won't post here because you can find it on Youtube if you want, because you're smart people. But your intelligence here isn't the point, but rather the reason I'm appealing to you right now. The very idea of a zombie apocalypse is absurd. Their food supply would run out far too quickly, and then there would be nothing. "But Rob," you protest, "surely their metabolism is so slow that they could last for months, nay, years without a meal!" Well, sure, if they're not walking around. Yeah, they don't have to deal with repair anymore (I guess), but that's just going to make things worse. As the legs and trunk sustain damage, it's going to take more energy to walk. Meanwhile, they're damaging themselves MORE as they try to walk, so it just becomes a vicious cycle (just like that sound my laundry machine makes).

So, my point here comes down to this: a zombie apocalypse isn't feasible. Well, let me rephrase. A PRIMARY zombie apocalypse isn't feasible. Even if ZomboVirus 9000 comes out of the CDC with a vengeance, there are enough labs out there that could come up with, at the very least, containment protocols to minimize transmission. Once that's done, they've got time to round up stragglers and come up with a vaccine. Plus, since they're zombies, there aren't the same "ethical considerations" and "sense of common decency" that's necessary for experiments with humans and animals. Thing would end up moving a lot faster, and the apocalypse is contained. Dust off hands, go have a beer, repopulate the human race. Yes, there would be minimal losses; we're repopulating anyway.

So, yes. Primary zombie apocalypse? Not going to happen. Secondary zombie apocalypse? Oh, shit.

That's right.

We're going to talk about the C'thocalypse.

There are plenty of books on surviving a zombie apocalypse out there, but what's going to happen when something (C'thulhu, Hastur, A'Zqr (the eternal bleeding jackal skull), Pat Sajak) bursts into our reality from its unknowable hell domain?

1. Don't Mess With The Zombies

Yeah. This is a hard one. See, most of these guys/girls/things/fhlargns don't really care about you (well, really, they do, but more on that later). We're hardly even like ants to them. I mean, have you ever read anything about the Old Ones where the humans WIN? Oh, sure, there's stalling tactics, like running a ship into it or Aquaman, but those are just delaying the inevitable. If anything, it just annoys them slightly.

And you thought I was joking.

But when they come all the way down here to GRACE us with their many-tentacled form (that is really far simpler than its true form, we're just trying to make things easier for you, you understand, now would you kindly please go insane?), and they go through the TROUBLE of releasing a few of us from the unspeakable torment that would surely become every waking moment of our existence- when they go through all that trouble, and here comes Joe-Bob with a machete to remove the head and/or destroy the brain? That's just ungrateful. That sort of, let's be frank here, RUDENESS is what they came here to eradicate. Well, that and any sort of joy, love, order, chaos, happiness, rabbits, small tasty crabs- you understand. Once you mess with one of their little wind-up doll pets, you're on their radar. And really. The zombies are like an angry dog. You don't want to be bitten by it, you just keep away from it. You put up a fence and move to the other side of the street when you see it. You don't make prolonged eye contact. You just go on with your daily life as if there's nothing out of the ordinary happening here. Even if it can open doors, find you anywhere, and can't be stopped by any force on earth or the heaven that has so clearly abandoned us to these creatures.

2. Stop Messing With the Natural Order of Things

Now, at this point, some of you might be wondering where I'm getting this whole "Eldritch Abominations Destroy Everything" idea about the end. I mean, that was a pretty stunning rebuttal against the idea of a primary zombie apocalypse, but a primary C'thulhu summoning? Surely you jest, Rob!

I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL, and please don't call me Shirley.

Not at all. Just as Whedon and others cite scientific advances and the development of superbugs as a potential inciting event for the zombie apocalypse, look at where religion has gone over the past 30 years. There are plenty of very vocal extremists out there, and they're pretty polarizing. So polarizing that people who want to believe in something will go to ANY other religion to find that sense of fulfillment. That's eventually going to lead to some people finding some ancient text not meant for our eyes to see, maybe in a cave or some such. Then, they read the text, and sweet Jesus that jester is creeping me right the fuck out. There we go. Got that off the screen. Talk about your heebie jeebies.

Anyway, right.There's enough religious discontent out there that eventually, someone is going to manage to summon the Old Ones, and that's just going to make them angry. I mean, come on. They were going to come through eventually. Right after they finished watching those old episodes of Doctor Who. I mean, geez. Those Daleks- they're just trash cans with little bulbs on the outside! They can't even climb the stairs! Hahaha. Oh, and what's this about statues? What's so scary about a statue? OH SWEET GRACIOUS ME IT MOVED.

Give it a minute. And don't blink.

Anyway again, let's say that they get summoned and we live long enough to tell the tale. Things are going to be getting bad enough on their own. We don't need some band of silly, misguided terrorists trying to muck up the natural food chain here. I mean, would WE like it if a bunch of chickens got torches and pitchforks and started attacking us? I'm sure I'd be the first to laugh for a bit (until they killed that first pack of hippies, of course) before picking up a gun and getting some wings.

It's just common decency, is all.

3. Just Let It Happen

If there's one thing I've learned by spending all my time on the Internet looking up pointless bits of pop culture, it's that the Old Ones always win. Sure, they might get forced back into their home dimension, but they've spread some bad dreams, some insanity, and some death in their short pop-in. Really, what more could they want?

We'd like to be granted basic human rights and a small glass of champagne, if you please. Also, your souls. All of them.

When they finally come to our mortal plane, it's going to be far, far too late. In the days leading up to the C'thocalypse, you may feel some nagging voices at the edge of your mind. They may tell you to do some strange things, like always sleep facing Wouth, a direction that you cannot comprehend with your silly concept of "three-dimensions." Ha. Three dimensions is bust a treble fir thee Mab stirs. Stairs bis ziggle goy offend sick ingot offend sip hour imp turbidity.

Ahurm.

Regardless of how crazy or frightening these dreams may be, you should really go with your gut. After all, you can do anything you put your mind to! It just takes enough ants to start the avalanche. Sometimes, it only takes one! So give in to those strange desires. Go to the gym early in the morning. Start reading a new book by an author you've never heard of.  Really listen to what small rodents nearby have to say about fish and cheesemongering. Push that small vase out of your way (what right has it to be there, anyway? Does it not know that you are called by a higher power?). Start a blog of your insane ramblings. Maybe give baking a try. You never know what wonderful things can happen if you just listen to those little voices and, you know, just let them give you that little push to change your life (and the lives of those around you).

Forever.

It was a mistake to tamper with the forces of nature.

Then, when it's done, it's just such an easier transition from normal member of the crowd of society to a beautiful butterfly of insanity and chaos. It's like Tolstoy was trying to say- "All sane people are sane in the same way. The insane people will welcome the lakes of fires while blanging thirsty sodden carpets of camelhair and lace, but each in their own unique way."