Oh, voice overs. You make the sound all funny.
Hoooooom. I'm on my laptop tonight, so I can actually do some word counts if I so desire, which I do. SO LET'S DO SOME COUNTING!
Well this is disappointing.
Post 1: 1,481 words.
Post 2: 1,419 words (which is frankly much better than I thought it was. I was thinking that it was under 800, and oh hey, there's a mask of Janus on the screen, which was used in a previous episode of this show, and THAT IS NOT HOW MICROSCOPES WORK. Welcome to Rob watching TV.)
By now, maybe you've guessed that I'm a.) watching TV, and b.) drinking like a mother- like a word that wouldn't make my parents blush. I'm on glass two of wine. Also my belly is full of delicious pasta. And also wine. It's not the best wine ever (it's mighty sweet for a white, but it's not sour, at least).
Okay. This is about to happen. "But what is this, you handsome devil?" you may ask. Well, I'm about to watch Dead Snow on Netflix. It is rated 3/5 stars and is categorized as a foreign horror film. The description is, "A group of friends gets the scariest history lesson of their lives during a weekend getaway, where the party is interrupted by Nazi zombies." NAZI. ZOMBIES. The picture for it looks like a Hitler head cut in half axially and laying in the snow as someone is holding a chainsaw. I'm rather excited about this. I mean, Nazi zombies. It looks Swedish? Or maybe some other Scandinavian country (of which I believe there are several)?
Let's do this.
(Also, for my own edification, I'll need, let's see... 248+186+1667=248+1853=2101 words for this post to get caught up to my quota. I'm going to need some more pasta. This may switch to something else before the night's done. But for reals. Let's do this.)
The play button has been hit, and the Rubicon has been crossed. The die has been cast. Is it a d20? Maybe so. Here's hoping for a crit.
This is apparently, among other things, an IFC film. I am reassured- I feel like they have a solid snese of humor about their work at times.
Open on a blue sky in the mountains. They're covered in snow. In the Hall of the Mountain King is playing. Someone is running through the forest. Said person is followed by two other shadowy figures. Leaping across snow banks. The tempo rises. The music crescendos. Oh shit. It's a crow. The music has stopped. There's nothing. Is it a girl? I can't really tell. I think so. We'll go with girl. And there's the zombie, and the music's back. I don't know how she didn't see it, because it really just sorta popped into frame. Now she's broken her ankle and went tumbling down a hill. Now she's being eaten. This is already pretty amazing.
DEAD SNOW.
There's some other language with music and cars. AND THESE SUBTITLES ARE TERRIBLE. "Oh, that puts me out"? What. What is this. There's four dudes in a car, and they're talking about avalanches. We have the nerd, the fat guy, the guy who looks like a stoner, but now he's spouting out military stuff. Apparently there's nothing wrong with long hair in the Scandinavian military. Now there's a car of girls. One has dreads. One of the guys in the other card is apparently a med student, so that'll be fun. There was a bone in my pasta. How did that even happen. Long haired military stoner is stroking a snowmobile.
Oh, there's no cell phone service at the cabin they're going to. This couldn't POSSIBLY end poorly. The large fellow is now singing. And they're walking, while the other dude does wheelies on a snowmobile. This all seems terribly unsafe. They also seem vaguely underdressed.
HAHAHAHAHA. They're lampshading the whole situation with cell phones. They've mentioned Friday 13th and Evil Dead. This.... what is this. I love it. How does one ind a cabin with Nazi zombies in this day in age? Seems like it'd be might pricey. The Call of Duty games must have really raised the rent on those things. Also, why would you have a white camoflague jacket for blending into snow when you're on a trip to the snowy mountains? That just seems like it's asking for trouble.
The dude in the cabin is lighting a fire in the urnace, and I'm half expecting the cabin to explode spectacularly. Alas, I don't think it is? Doesn't look like it is.
Oh man.
Oh man.
They're tubing behind a snowmobile. I didn't even realize that was a thing. Apparently it is. What. There's also hot dogs and mustard apparently. Maybe it's a metaphor? For.... I don't know. Maybe Jesus? Mustard seeds and all?
THE LARGE FELLOW JUST SAID, "YIPEE KI YAY MOTHERFUCKER." This is just so great. It's also now a snowball fight. I mean, yeah, the large feller (whose name is apparently Erlend) is supposed to be a movie nerd, but whatever.
Now they're playing Twister. What? Hollywood apparently told them that Twister is fun, and that's why they're playing. Now there's some flirting.
Apparently smothering people with pillows is the anesthetic of the Middle Ages, and that just happened. What. The. Hell. These are not okay relationship dynamics. I don't even know. Now someone is running into the forest on her own while it's dark. Ah. It's an outhouse. I guess going to the bathroom is the equivalent of the young people having sex these days.
They're drinking tall boys. Which are also apparently a thing in Swenlandway.
WHERE ARE THE CHAINSAWS. I WAS PROMISED CHAINSAWS. Now the girl from the outhouse is wandering alone again trying to find if someone's there. I expect a jump scare shortly. Where is it? THere was something. Not much off one. But something in the woods just moved. Ah. Okay, she's not dead. Apparently they had a friend that was crossing the mountains alone. Aaaand they just mentioned moose. Monty Python was right.
Now there's a grizzled old dude asking for a cup of coffee. He has a pretty hilarious sweater.
I should probably find pictures of this movie to post, but that would take a while. Like this scene ZING.
Old guy just said "group of youths." What. Great translation.
Apparently something was written in the local history. NOT THE LOCAL HISTORY.
This is just special. I need more wine.
Apparently the German soliders were led by Colonel Herzaog. He made the most evil documentaries of anyone out in Sweden. Things like Der Grizzzlie Mann and the like. But seriously. In universe, he was apparently pretty evil. Oh, go locals. They killed them some Nazis all peasant rebellion style. Well played, Swenfinwegianish. Well played. Oh, wait, no. Nazis escaped and I guess got a Viking curse on them? Or the locals just killed them. IN THESE MOUNTAINS.
Oh, yeah. Don't take the old guy seriously. Smart call, guys. Smart call. Oh, they're ALL medical students.
No, medical school does not teach you how to deal with your intestines being in your hands. YOu've got us there, Mr. Old Dude. Sorry, Mr. Grizzled Old Dude.
Still no chainsaws. Nope. Millitary medical student soldier brah whose girlfriend I guess got killed at the beginning is now up, because they were asleep now. Maybe this would work better if you were watching the movie too. But maybe not. Clearly, I'm lacking some parentheticals. She was a zombie, but it was a dream. OR WAS IT.
Well, considering that we're only ~30 minutes in, I think it was.
Now the old dude's in a tent eating soup, or gruel, or whatever old Norfinnedishegain guys eat. Now he's grabbing a gun and a flashlight. He's armed. Good call. Tell them that you're armed. Don't use any sort of element of surprise. Yep. You're clearly aware of the fact that you're in a Zombie film. Why did I capitalize zombie? They're not an official race. At least not yet.
They sure are taking their time bulding up the action.
Wow. The guy just got his throat cut in a hurry. I do like the zombie-vision though. It's a cute touch.
Now back tot eh kids.
Oh. Yeah. If you're not back, follow the scooter (snowmobile) tracks to the car. Yeah. Because it's not like it'll snow and obscure those tracks. That couldn't possibly happen.
They're now doing downhill something racing, while the dude on the snowmobile (who is bee tee dubs looking for his girlfriend who got killed at the beginning, oh the dramirony). I have no idea what they're racing on. It looks like some sort of seat on skis.
Oh shoot. THere's ominous music while the dude on the scooter (snowmobile) is sipping some cocoa. Now he's checking out the old dude's tent. He doesn't know, man. He doesn't know.
THAT IS AN AMAZING CORPSE. His intestines are in his hands and everything. Plus his eyes are all wide open. That's pretty great.
Also, one of the med students doesn't like blood.
Now there's a box. A MYSTERIOUS BOX. WHAT COULD LIE WITHIN.
Oh shit. You're kidding.
Nazi gold. They found. Nazi. Gold. Nazi gold. Where are Colbert and Kareem when you need them.
More wine. But first, shouting to the heavens to try to find the girlfriend/lead the zombies to you. Well played, long haired Viking military medical student with the snowmobile.
Now back a tthe cabin, they're wearing the Nazi gold. Wearing. Nazi gold.
The large fellow is doing an Ahnold impression and going out to the outhouse. AND HE DROPPED NAZI GOLD. I'm still not convinced that the bathroom is the equivalent of sex for Scandinavian horror movies. Not sure what that says about the- oh. There's going to be sex too. Okay. Well, I guess they're not so different. This seems like a poor choice in an outhouse in the Arctic in the winter. Oh, there are the zombies. Oh, but it's the girl who's going to get killed. What. Why didn't the zombie kill the guy while he was leaving? Are these sexisst zombies? Or is the large feller (Erlend) just that Aryan?
Oh. She just fell through the seat. Classy, Scandinavians. Classy. Aaand, her intestines are in her hands. So.... Scandinavian zombies prefer intestines? Therés also a gun in the cabin. That the guy who's leaving to look for the dead girl is bringin with him. That's why they're going to have to resort to chainsaws.
Oh, also, snowmobile guy fell into a cave earlier. We haven't seen him since. Now there's a very homerotic scene between two of the guys while they're looking for the girl.
Oh. Smart. One of the other guys decided to go on his own.
Also, they found the first dead girl's backpack. Rucksack.
OH. THE GUY'S GETTING A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS. We've now entered star wars. And the zombies are keeping dead girl #2's head as a souvenir, and they just grabbed a blonde. Come on. She's blonde. Aren't you suppose to like her?
Now we're into a zombie situation. They've got a shotgun and knives and everything.
BUT WHERE ARE THE ZOMBIES.
Oh. There they are. Are they picking up the cabin? That's what it seems like they're doing. Of course, they can't get in there. It's not like there are windows or anything. The Nazi zombies are smarter than the people, and they alos just tried to unlock a door.
The z-word has been spoken, and Erlend is telling people not to get bitten. I don't think that's how Nazi zombis work here, Erlend. And Erlend is getting pulled out. And now his head got split in two.
This is pretty incredible. Aaand someone says they should have gone to the beach like he told them.
Back to the snowmobile guy. THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T SPLIT THE PARTY. He's not looking well.
Back in the cabin, they're worrying about a guy biting his nails. Really? He's got a gun, and there are zombies. Nail biting is hardly the biggest concern here. And now they're offered to split up. They've also now said fjord about three times in a sentence. This is clearly Scandiniavia, because there are fjords to which people might run. Slartibartfast worked really hard on them, too, I'm sure.
Snowmovile guy now has a torch and is exploring these caves, which will probably be some Nazi bunker/crypt/chapel.
Ruh roh. Empty graves.
My beard feels funny.
Oh shoot, machine guns and a schwastika. And also zombie growling. And helmets without heads. Where are the heads. Oh. There's one. It just doesn't have a body to go with it, and it's probably Dead girl #1. Yep. That it is. And there's a rising shadow that just got hit by a torch. And snowmobile guy just got punched in the face. I guess the zombies aren't afraid of daylight. And he looks pissed.
In a shocking role reversal, snowmobile guy just bit the zombie. And then beat him with his own helmet. And now there are more zombie hands. Possibly due to an avalanche. He seems strangely at peace with this turn of events, but I guess if I had been attacked by one zombie, I'd not be too surprised by more hanging around.
Now the girls (who split off to run down to the car) are talking about splitting up again. Which one has the keys? I don't even know. Aaand, they just gota ttacked by a zombie.
Now snowmobile guy has a sowrd that he just used to stab a zombie in the head. Well, rather, in the face. Apparently intestines are the important thing here, because that one really got impaled in the intestines by a tree. And he got attacked by another one, which is biting him while they're hanging from the intestines of the one on the tree. There's no wayu that's going to work as a rope. It's too slippery. One of the girls ust curb-stomped a zombie. I don't even get this anymore. And other girl got punched in the face by the other zoombie. Aaaand they're pulling out her intestines. WHY THE INTESTINES. Is there somethinga bout tripe and haggis in Scandinavia? And seriously, if you're getting your guys pulled out, then you should probably be dead by now. But she just pulled the piun on one of their grenades. Well done, ditzy blonde one. By the way, it was the ditzy blonde one they were killing, not the brunette with the dreadlocks. I know that I've been just great about giving names, but then, so has the movie.
Now the evil Werner Herzog has binoculars and is leading zombie Nazis into daylight battle. They've treed the one with dreadlocks, who is about to knock a nest off a tree if she's not careful, and why else would they have put a nest in that frame. Oh. Because the bird to whom is belongs is pissed that she's there. She.. She just killed that bird. She rammed its head into a tree turnk. And now the zombies see her.
Can zombies climb a tree?
Apparently they can in Sweden/Finland/Norway. Or maybe it's that they're zombies.
Deadlocks girl is on a cliff. And she's trying to make her side fall off. Buuuut the zombie got there first. I don't know what she hoped to accomplish. Apparently they're from Finnmark, because they just used a Finnmark moonshine Molotov cocktail to light their freaking cabin on fire.
They've inally decided to call 911, but they went with zombies first. 911 hung up, and now they're out of battery. Now they're in a shed.
THERE'S THE GODDAMNED CHAINSAW. They're going with a sledgehammer/chainsaw combo back at the cabin, which seems like a strong choice.
Snowmobile guy is looking less than good and is about to suture his neck wound which he acquired at some point that I can't entirely recall, in no small part thanks to the wine. He probably needs some saline and some RBCs. He's now duct taping his neck. And he's now mounted a machine gun to his snowmobile, which is being trailed by a zombie, which just got clotheslined by a tree.
You're shitting me.
Dreadlocks girl is alive. That must have been some really soft snow.of course, she's also upside down, because she's got some snot that is dripping towards what was up. This is a Chekhov's gun to earlier in the movie when they discussed dsuch things. She wasn't there for it, but apparently everyone knows these things exccept for the other people in the car. Apparentl the zombie knew it too though.
There's some freaking triumphant music going for the guys with the hammer and the chainsaw. We're looking at a Pickett's charge type montage of zombie killing. This movie has now given me what I hoped for.
Seriously. What is this fixation on intestines.
They're down to a hatchet and a knife, when snowmobile guy comes with the machine gun he mounted a few scenes ago. He can also apparently fight zombies and lift a snowmobile after having lost several units of blood. He really needs some RBCs and some saline. Probably not plasma because he's just volume depleted. Someone also asked where he got that machine gun, which I'd like to know. And smowmobile guy just got killed by no fewer than 5 Nazis. Five! Good Lord. And they just drew and quartered him.
A zombie head just got punted into the treeline.
Dude. Guy just killed his girlfriend. He was going all rampage-y and cut his girlfriend's throat when she tappe dhim on the shoulder. She clearly didn't see the training video on zombie attack safety. I'm hoping they're not doing a Descent type thing where it was all in one of their heads.
Colonel Grizzly Man Herzog has one hell of an underbite. And now Nazis are charging the two remaining guys. Martin and... other guy. I don't know that hehas a name. Oh. Martin has a shotgun still. Aaand Martin just got bitten.
We don't know how zombies spread here. Apparently the half-Jewishness might work here to prevent zombie infection. Other dude is presenting a good point that they haven't exactly been trying to RECRUIT new zombies. And now Martin is using a chainsaw to amputate his arm, because they taught them amputation in med school. He should be losing more blood than that, but no, he seriously just cauterized that. Good call, Martin, who just got bitten in the junk by another zombie. What are we even looking at here. I don't even know what to expect anymore. he's looking thoughtfully at the chainsaw. Don't do it Martin.
Oh. Colonel Grizzly Mensch is still over there. He's not exactly making a move against our blood soaked protags here, buuuuut maybe he just summoned a bunch of zombies. That's hat it seems like, what with the erth all quakey and all.
And they're running. Chased by the zombie horde, and they cannot keep their footing very well here. I don't think either one has the car keys anymore, so even if they make it down the mountain, they're toast. Car keys, guys. Roy was the other guy apparently. Was, because he ust got his foot caught and got hammered in the face by the evil colonel. And he lost his intestines to a tree.
Seriously. What the freaking intestines. Rather, what is with the freaking intestines.
Oh, and Martin seems to get tat the Nazi gold is important here. Remember the Nazi gold? Of course you do. It's Nazi gold. Hard to forget, that.
Does Martin have an army of zombies at his command now? Or did the Nazis just want the gold? What are zombies going to do with gold anyway?
Cue the sad piano music. Martin is the only one left, and he doesn't really know which way to go. He's also suposed to be afraid of blood. Sun's going down. He's out in the cold. Well, that was smart. He found a river, so if he keeps following it downstream, he might find civilization. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to be following-
Oh. He found the car. And he had keys. Well played, sir. You see, because they took two cars at the beginning. and he has no right hand, so he can't really drive stick, which is what European cars tend to be. There's probably also a zombie in the car.
Oh wait. Someone (I think his girlfriend) put Nazi gold in his pocket earlier.
Zombie punches the window. It wasn't in the car.
Fade to black.
I give it a meh. It was fun at time, but there was a lot of buildup for fairly little payoff.
And that's Dead Snow, ladies and gents.
That's also 3851 words. (Including these last four.)
Hoooooom. I'm on my laptop tonight, so I can actually do some word counts if I so desire, which I do. SO LET'S DO SOME COUNTING!
Well this is disappointing.
Post 1: 1,481 words.
Post 2: 1,419 words (which is frankly much better than I thought it was. I was thinking that it was under 800, and oh hey, there's a mask of Janus on the screen, which was used in a previous episode of this show, and THAT IS NOT HOW MICROSCOPES WORK. Welcome to Rob watching TV.)
By now, maybe you've guessed that I'm a.) watching TV, and b.) drinking like a mother- like a word that wouldn't make my parents blush. I'm on glass two of wine. Also my belly is full of delicious pasta. And also wine. It's not the best wine ever (it's mighty sweet for a white, but it's not sour, at least).
Okay. This is about to happen. "But what is this, you handsome devil?" you may ask. Well, I'm about to watch Dead Snow on Netflix. It is rated 3/5 stars and is categorized as a foreign horror film. The description is, "A group of friends gets the scariest history lesson of their lives during a weekend getaway, where the party is interrupted by Nazi zombies." NAZI. ZOMBIES. The picture for it looks like a Hitler head cut in half axially and laying in the snow as someone is holding a chainsaw. I'm rather excited about this. I mean, Nazi zombies. It looks Swedish? Or maybe some other Scandinavian country (of which I believe there are several)?
Let's do this.
(Also, for my own edification, I'll need, let's see... 248+186+1667=248+1853=2101 words for this post to get caught up to my quota. I'm going to need some more pasta. This may switch to something else before the night's done. But for reals. Let's do this.)
The play button has been hit, and the Rubicon has been crossed. The die has been cast. Is it a d20? Maybe so. Here's hoping for a crit.
This is apparently, among other things, an IFC film. I am reassured- I feel like they have a solid snese of humor about their work at times.
Open on a blue sky in the mountains. They're covered in snow. In the Hall of the Mountain King is playing. Someone is running through the forest. Said person is followed by two other shadowy figures. Leaping across snow banks. The tempo rises. The music crescendos. Oh shit. It's a crow. The music has stopped. There's nothing. Is it a girl? I can't really tell. I think so. We'll go with girl. And there's the zombie, and the music's back. I don't know how she didn't see it, because it really just sorta popped into frame. Now she's broken her ankle and went tumbling down a hill. Now she's being eaten. This is already pretty amazing.
DEAD SNOW.
There's some other language with music and cars. AND THESE SUBTITLES ARE TERRIBLE. "Oh, that puts me out"? What. What is this. There's four dudes in a car, and they're talking about avalanches. We have the nerd, the fat guy, the guy who looks like a stoner, but now he's spouting out military stuff. Apparently there's nothing wrong with long hair in the Scandinavian military. Now there's a car of girls. One has dreads. One of the guys in the other card is apparently a med student, so that'll be fun. There was a bone in my pasta. How did that even happen. Long haired military stoner is stroking a snowmobile.
Oh, there's no cell phone service at the cabin they're going to. This couldn't POSSIBLY end poorly. The large fellow is now singing. And they're walking, while the other dude does wheelies on a snowmobile. This all seems terribly unsafe. They also seem vaguely underdressed.
HAHAHAHAHA. They're lampshading the whole situation with cell phones. They've mentioned Friday 13th and Evil Dead. This.... what is this. I love it. How does one ind a cabin with Nazi zombies in this day in age? Seems like it'd be might pricey. The Call of Duty games must have really raised the rent on those things. Also, why would you have a white camoflague jacket for blending into snow when you're on a trip to the snowy mountains? That just seems like it's asking for trouble.
The dude in the cabin is lighting a fire in the urnace, and I'm half expecting the cabin to explode spectacularly. Alas, I don't think it is? Doesn't look like it is.
Oh man.
Oh man.
They're tubing behind a snowmobile. I didn't even realize that was a thing. Apparently it is. What. There's also hot dogs and mustard apparently. Maybe it's a metaphor? For.... I don't know. Maybe Jesus? Mustard seeds and all?
THE LARGE FELLOW JUST SAID, "YIPEE KI YAY MOTHERFUCKER." This is just so great. It's also now a snowball fight. I mean, yeah, the large feller (whose name is apparently Erlend) is supposed to be a movie nerd, but whatever.
Now they're playing Twister. What? Hollywood apparently told them that Twister is fun, and that's why they're playing. Now there's some flirting.
Apparently smothering people with pillows is the anesthetic of the Middle Ages, and that just happened. What. The. Hell. These are not okay relationship dynamics. I don't even know. Now someone is running into the forest on her own while it's dark. Ah. It's an outhouse. I guess going to the bathroom is the equivalent of the young people having sex these days.
They're drinking tall boys. Which are also apparently a thing in Swenlandway.
WHERE ARE THE CHAINSAWS. I WAS PROMISED CHAINSAWS. Now the girl from the outhouse is wandering alone again trying to find if someone's there. I expect a jump scare shortly. Where is it? THere was something. Not much off one. But something in the woods just moved. Ah. Okay, she's not dead. Apparently they had a friend that was crossing the mountains alone. Aaaand they just mentioned moose. Monty Python was right.
Now there's a grizzled old dude asking for a cup of coffee. He has a pretty hilarious sweater.
I should probably find pictures of this movie to post, but that would take a while. Like this scene ZING.
Old guy just said "group of youths." What. Great translation.
Apparently something was written in the local history. NOT THE LOCAL HISTORY.
This is just special. I need more wine.
Apparently the German soliders were led by Colonel Herzaog. He made the most evil documentaries of anyone out in Sweden. Things like Der Grizzzlie Mann and the like. But seriously. In universe, he was apparently pretty evil. Oh, go locals. They killed them some Nazis all peasant rebellion style. Well played, Swenfinwegianish. Well played. Oh, wait, no. Nazis escaped and I guess got a Viking curse on them? Or the locals just killed them. IN THESE MOUNTAINS.
Oh, yeah. Don't take the old guy seriously. Smart call, guys. Smart call. Oh, they're ALL medical students.
No, medical school does not teach you how to deal with your intestines being in your hands. YOu've got us there, Mr. Old Dude. Sorry, Mr. Grizzled Old Dude.
Still no chainsaws. Nope. Millitary medical student soldier brah whose girlfriend I guess got killed at the beginning is now up, because they were asleep now. Maybe this would work better if you were watching the movie too. But maybe not. Clearly, I'm lacking some parentheticals. She was a zombie, but it was a dream. OR WAS IT.
Well, considering that we're only ~30 minutes in, I think it was.
Now the old dude's in a tent eating soup, or gruel, or whatever old Norfinnedishegain guys eat. Now he's grabbing a gun and a flashlight. He's armed. Good call. Tell them that you're armed. Don't use any sort of element of surprise. Yep. You're clearly aware of the fact that you're in a Zombie film. Why did I capitalize zombie? They're not an official race. At least not yet.
They sure are taking their time bulding up the action.
Wow. The guy just got his throat cut in a hurry. I do like the zombie-vision though. It's a cute touch.
Now back tot eh kids.
Oh. Yeah. If you're not back, follow the scooter (snowmobile) tracks to the car. Yeah. Because it's not like it'll snow and obscure those tracks. That couldn't possibly happen.
They're now doing downhill something racing, while the dude on the snowmobile (who is bee tee dubs looking for his girlfriend who got killed at the beginning, oh the dramirony). I have no idea what they're racing on. It looks like some sort of seat on skis.
Oh shoot. THere's ominous music while the dude on the scooter (snowmobile) is sipping some cocoa. Now he's checking out the old dude's tent. He doesn't know, man. He doesn't know.
THAT IS AN AMAZING CORPSE. His intestines are in his hands and everything. Plus his eyes are all wide open. That's pretty great.
Also, one of the med students doesn't like blood.
Now there's a box. A MYSTERIOUS BOX. WHAT COULD LIE WITHIN.
Oh shit. You're kidding.
Nazi gold. They found. Nazi. Gold. Nazi gold. Where are Colbert and Kareem when you need them.
More wine. But first, shouting to the heavens to try to find the girlfriend/lead the zombies to you. Well played, long haired Viking military medical student with the snowmobile.
Now back a tthe cabin, they're wearing the Nazi gold. Wearing. Nazi gold.
The large fellow is doing an Ahnold impression and going out to the outhouse. AND HE DROPPED NAZI GOLD. I'm still not convinced that the bathroom is the equivalent of sex for Scandinavian horror movies. Not sure what that says about the- oh. There's going to be sex too. Okay. Well, I guess they're not so different. This seems like a poor choice in an outhouse in the Arctic in the winter. Oh, there are the zombies. Oh, but it's the girl who's going to get killed. What. Why didn't the zombie kill the guy while he was leaving? Are these sexisst zombies? Or is the large feller (Erlend) just that Aryan?
Oh. She just fell through the seat. Classy, Scandinavians. Classy. Aaand, her intestines are in her hands. So.... Scandinavian zombies prefer intestines? Therés also a gun in the cabin. That the guy who's leaving to look for the dead girl is bringin with him. That's why they're going to have to resort to chainsaws.
Oh, also, snowmobile guy fell into a cave earlier. We haven't seen him since. Now there's a very homerotic scene between two of the guys while they're looking for the girl.
Oh. Smart. One of the other guys decided to go on his own.
Also, they found the first dead girl's backpack. Rucksack.
OH. THE GUY'S GETTING A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS. We've now entered star wars. And the zombies are keeping dead girl #2's head as a souvenir, and they just grabbed a blonde. Come on. She's blonde. Aren't you suppose to like her?
Now we're into a zombie situation. They've got a shotgun and knives and everything.
BUT WHERE ARE THE ZOMBIES.
Oh. There they are. Are they picking up the cabin? That's what it seems like they're doing. Of course, they can't get in there. It's not like there are windows or anything. The Nazi zombies are smarter than the people, and they alos just tried to unlock a door.
The z-word has been spoken, and Erlend is telling people not to get bitten. I don't think that's how Nazi zombis work here, Erlend. And Erlend is getting pulled out. And now his head got split in two.
This is pretty incredible. Aaand someone says they should have gone to the beach like he told them.
Back to the snowmobile guy. THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T SPLIT THE PARTY. He's not looking well.
Back in the cabin, they're worrying about a guy biting his nails. Really? He's got a gun, and there are zombies. Nail biting is hardly the biggest concern here. And now they're offered to split up. They've also now said fjord about three times in a sentence. This is clearly Scandiniavia, because there are fjords to which people might run. Slartibartfast worked really hard on them, too, I'm sure.
Snowmovile guy now has a torch and is exploring these caves, which will probably be some Nazi bunker/crypt/chapel.
Ruh roh. Empty graves.
My beard feels funny.
Oh shoot, machine guns and a schwastika. And also zombie growling. And helmets without heads. Where are the heads. Oh. There's one. It just doesn't have a body to go with it, and it's probably Dead girl #1. Yep. That it is. And there's a rising shadow that just got hit by a torch. And snowmobile guy just got punched in the face. I guess the zombies aren't afraid of daylight. And he looks pissed.
In a shocking role reversal, snowmobile guy just bit the zombie. And then beat him with his own helmet. And now there are more zombie hands. Possibly due to an avalanche. He seems strangely at peace with this turn of events, but I guess if I had been attacked by one zombie, I'd not be too surprised by more hanging around.
Now the girls (who split off to run down to the car) are talking about splitting up again. Which one has the keys? I don't even know. Aaand, they just gota ttacked by a zombie.
Now snowmobile guy has a sowrd that he just used to stab a zombie in the head. Well, rather, in the face. Apparently intestines are the important thing here, because that one really got impaled in the intestines by a tree. And he got attacked by another one, which is biting him while they're hanging from the intestines of the one on the tree. There's no wayu that's going to work as a rope. It's too slippery. One of the girls ust curb-stomped a zombie. I don't even get this anymore. And other girl got punched in the face by the other zoombie. Aaaand they're pulling out her intestines. WHY THE INTESTINES. Is there somethinga bout tripe and haggis in Scandinavia? And seriously, if you're getting your guys pulled out, then you should probably be dead by now. But she just pulled the piun on one of their grenades. Well done, ditzy blonde one. By the way, it was the ditzy blonde one they were killing, not the brunette with the dreadlocks. I know that I've been just great about giving names, but then, so has the movie.
Now the evil Werner Herzog has binoculars and is leading zombie Nazis into daylight battle. They've treed the one with dreadlocks, who is about to knock a nest off a tree if she's not careful, and why else would they have put a nest in that frame. Oh. Because the bird to whom is belongs is pissed that she's there. She.. She just killed that bird. She rammed its head into a tree turnk. And now the zombies see her.
Can zombies climb a tree?
Apparently they can in Sweden/Finland/Norway. Or maybe it's that they're zombies.
Deadlocks girl is on a cliff. And she's trying to make her side fall off. Buuuut the zombie got there first. I don't know what she hoped to accomplish. Apparently they're from Finnmark, because they just used a Finnmark moonshine Molotov cocktail to light their freaking cabin on fire.
They've inally decided to call 911, but they went with zombies first. 911 hung up, and now they're out of battery. Now they're in a shed.
THERE'S THE GODDAMNED CHAINSAW. They're going with a sledgehammer/chainsaw combo back at the cabin, which seems like a strong choice.
Snowmobile guy is looking less than good and is about to suture his neck wound which he acquired at some point that I can't entirely recall, in no small part thanks to the wine. He probably needs some saline and some RBCs. He's now duct taping his neck. And he's now mounted a machine gun to his snowmobile, which is being trailed by a zombie, which just got clotheslined by a tree.
You're shitting me.
Dreadlocks girl is alive. That must have been some really soft snow.of course, she's also upside down, because she's got some snot that is dripping towards what was up. This is a Chekhov's gun to earlier in the movie when they discussed dsuch things. She wasn't there for it, but apparently everyone knows these things exccept for the other people in the car. Apparentl the zombie knew it too though.
There's some freaking triumphant music going for the guys with the hammer and the chainsaw. We're looking at a Pickett's charge type montage of zombie killing. This movie has now given me what I hoped for.
Seriously. What is this fixation on intestines.
They're down to a hatchet and a knife, when snowmobile guy comes with the machine gun he mounted a few scenes ago. He can also apparently fight zombies and lift a snowmobile after having lost several units of blood. He really needs some RBCs and some saline. Probably not plasma because he's just volume depleted. Someone also asked where he got that machine gun, which I'd like to know. And smowmobile guy just got killed by no fewer than 5 Nazis. Five! Good Lord. And they just drew and quartered him.
A zombie head just got punted into the treeline.
Dude. Guy just killed his girlfriend. He was going all rampage-y and cut his girlfriend's throat when she tappe dhim on the shoulder. She clearly didn't see the training video on zombie attack safety. I'm hoping they're not doing a Descent type thing where it was all in one of their heads.
Colonel Grizzly Man Herzog has one hell of an underbite. And now Nazis are charging the two remaining guys. Martin and... other guy. I don't know that hehas a name. Oh. Martin has a shotgun still. Aaand Martin just got bitten.
We don't know how zombies spread here. Apparently the half-Jewishness might work here to prevent zombie infection. Other dude is presenting a good point that they haven't exactly been trying to RECRUIT new zombies. And now Martin is using a chainsaw to amputate his arm, because they taught them amputation in med school. He should be losing more blood than that, but no, he seriously just cauterized that. Good call, Martin, who just got bitten in the junk by another zombie. What are we even looking at here. I don't even know what to expect anymore. he's looking thoughtfully at the chainsaw. Don't do it Martin.
Oh. Colonel Grizzly Mensch is still over there. He's not exactly making a move against our blood soaked protags here, buuuuut maybe he just summoned a bunch of zombies. That's hat it seems like, what with the erth all quakey and all.
And they're running. Chased by the zombie horde, and they cannot keep their footing very well here. I don't think either one has the car keys anymore, so even if they make it down the mountain, they're toast. Car keys, guys. Roy was the other guy apparently. Was, because he ust got his foot caught and got hammered in the face by the evil colonel. And he lost his intestines to a tree.
Seriously. What the freaking intestines. Rather, what is with the freaking intestines.
Oh, and Martin seems to get tat the Nazi gold is important here. Remember the Nazi gold? Of course you do. It's Nazi gold. Hard to forget, that.
Does Martin have an army of zombies at his command now? Or did the Nazis just want the gold? What are zombies going to do with gold anyway?
Cue the sad piano music. Martin is the only one left, and he doesn't really know which way to go. He's also suposed to be afraid of blood. Sun's going down. He's out in the cold. Well, that was smart. He found a river, so if he keeps following it downstream, he might find civilization. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to be following-
Oh. He found the car. And he had keys. Well played, sir. You see, because they took two cars at the beginning. and he has no right hand, so he can't really drive stick, which is what European cars tend to be. There's probably also a zombie in the car.
Oh wait. Someone (I think his girlfriend) put Nazi gold in his pocket earlier.
Zombie punches the window. It wasn't in the car.
Fade to black.
I give it a meh. It was fun at time, but there was a lot of buildup for fairly little payoff.
And that's Dead Snow, ladies and gents.
That's also 3851 words. (Including these last four.)
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