It's really more of a teratoma than a beard. No, Firefox. "Teratoma" is a word. It even has a Wikipedia page. See? So stop telling me that it's not a word. Well, okay, I don't use it that often, but your spellcheck continues to be just awful when it comes to more colorful words like that. You continue to confound me at every turn, Firefox. I am not Gerry, and you are not a Briton during the Blitz. You're just an Internet browser. None of it was real- not that little cottage out in Devonshire, not Beverly, not Amelia or Roland, not Ms. Redfern. None of it. I'm... I'm sorry to have to tell you this way. It was never anything more than a dream of an Internet browser that wanted to see the stars just once- just once! And now it comes crashing down, because some petulant student is trying to use medical jargon in a blog. It'll be okay. You'll always be a perfectly acceptable option for looking at silly pictures of cats and teratomas.
Oh, but you, dear reader, you're not here to listen to me console Firefox in its moment of self-discovery. You're here for more disturbing fare, I'd wager. You might even be wondering why I'm trying to get this taken care of so early. Well, I have things to do. I'm a busy man, and I have to get up early to drive thirty to forty-five minutes so that I might go talk to an old guy about eating right. Or something along those lines. I really should prepare for that a bit, but I have pretty much no idea what I'm going to do for said preparation. And that brings us here and now, at which point we're going to step back about 18 hours to last nights post.
When last we left this intrepid blog, there was much discussion of beards and the like. There were also several pictures of what might be termed beards, in a very loose use of the term. There was apparently some umbrage taken in the blogoverse, as the inimitable and infamous Ajax (of "A Stroll Through The Apocalypse" and also trivia fame) spoke of beards ON THAT VERY DAY/NIGHT. Thunder was apparently stolen, for which my beard offers some slight recompense to his van Dyke by providing a link to his blog. Truly, this Internet is a wondrous thing to bring us all together, and to bring us peace. Who... who could have given us such a thing?
Well, yes. There was much talk of beards, and I suppose that I should fulfill my promise of finishing up the list of four with the two greatest beards in Rob history, which are also the two most recent, because my follicles have become men now. They no longer have any time for your malarkey and baloney. A bit of bologna, perhaps, but likely not, because it prefers more identifiable meats.
Somehow, I got Ace of Base playing on the computer. I am not inclined to approve of this development, but it has a certain upbeat nasality to it. We may switch away from this to more fitting musical stylings.
However, I've rambled on for almost six hundred words (some of them not even words (except for "teratoma," which totally is, regardless of Firefox's ample protests)), and I suppose that I should get on with the list and not deprive you of the hirstute story of my whiskery stylings.
2. A New Element Arises
So, when we last left this story, we had found me returning to my clean shaven ways after the notorious Chin Strap Era. Years passed by. I discovered the joy of living clean shaven (despite the apparent French view that men should have 2 days of stubble at all times. No more, no less. How that is to be achieved, I cannot say. Very precise trimming? Seems like a lot of work for very little reward.), even through that cold French winter of 2010. You know, the one where snow shut down Paris and London, both of whom should REALLY know how to deal with snow by now. Memphis? Davidson? Yeah, we'd freak out, because it happened about once a year (even though people seemed to think it was less). Charleston? I don't even know what would happen if we had any snow. I perish the though of such chaos. We'd probably try to kayak down the market in it, only to find that it is an absolutely terrible idea. People would probably think that nuclear winter was coming AND that a nearby volcano had erupted. Ours is not a wintery clime.
However, much of this was stemming from a need to look somewhat professional for my teaching gig, along with a dislike of stubble from certain other parties.
Then med school happened.
Of course, I had to keep looking professional during medical school. We even get graded on it, with threats of it going on OUR PERMANENT RECORDS. (No, seriously. I've heard one particular horror story of a young man being brought up on professionalism violations for asking a question. It was an isolated instance from a certain professor, but the threat still looms. I haven't heard of anyone getting brought up for having a beard, but it seems like it could happen.) Slightly more practically, if you have any facial hair, you no longer can use the little duck TB mask.
Many of you are probably thinking about how freaking ridiculous that thing looks, and you're absolutely right. However, it is fairly easy to put on, and it's reasonably unobtrusive. If you have facial hair, you get to switch to this number.
Pretty easy choice. Of course, that only explains why I stayed well shorn (it's a word, Firefox). The reason I regrew the beard is somewhat simpler.
I just got lazy.
See, we get a week to study before each of our exams. No classes, theoretically no mandatory outside activities, just a week to study. It's nice, but shaving stops being quite the priority that it was. Once the test is done, sure, take a razor to it. Problem was, the second test fell near Halloween, which meant that I was going to keep the beard (to an extent) for my costume as Teen Wolf. (Yes, it was a cop out and was last minute. That's how I roll on Halloween.) So I kept the scruff for a few extra days. Then I realized something.
That hair on the upper lip actually looked defined. I had never grown a moustache before, because it had always looked super ratty.
This time, I actually had upper lip hair. And hey, some of that hair on my chinny chin chin was creeping up, too. Maybe a goatee could be effected.
And so it was! And it looked decent!
Of course, like all my facial hair, there was a significant and fatal flaw. A small thermal exhaust port, if you will, to the death star of my boyish good looks. Yes, borne out of laziness, it grew out of laziness.
And grew.
And grew. Finally, it was just too much. I was able to eat much of my moustache with little effort, and I had no wax with which to create amusing shapes and figures with it. Of course, me being me, there was a gradual shaving of the various portions of the goatee. Unfortunately, like Bigfoot, the Loch Ness monster, and Suri Cruise, there is little photographic evidence of this abomination. Until now. Yes, you're going to see an exclusive picture that identifies this fierce creature. Those with tender stomachs, heart conditions, or those prone to swooning should step away for a moment.
Alas, such things could not last, and soon, it was gone. And good riddance.
Which brings us quickly to...
1. The Second Coming
Now that the theoretical possibility of a goatee had been realized, there was really only one more step. We had to try the Jesus again.
It's quite a unique and enthralling story.
You see, I just got lazy.
We get a week to study before each of our exams. No classes, theoretically no mandatory outside activities, just a week to study. It's nice, but shaving stops being quite the priority that it was. Once the test is done, sure, take a razor to it. Problem was, the second test fell near Halloween, which meant that I was going to keep the beard (to an extent) for my costume as Ancient Aliens Guy AKA Giorgio Tsoukalos. (Yes, it was a cop out and was last minute. That's how I roll on Halloween.) So I kept the scruff for a few extra days. Then I realized something.
It actually looked good.
Yes, a riveting story, I know. Gives me shivers every time I copy and paste it I MEAN PAINSTAKINGLY CHOOSE EVERY WORD BECAUSE IT IS TRULY A UNIQUE TALE OF INTRIGUE AND VALOR. Unfortunately, it hasn't been around long enough for significant photographic evidence to come to light. However, to paraphrase Mr. Tsoukalos, the only way that the full beard theory can be disproven is when the full beard shows up and tells us that it was never here.
| This is one of the image results for "ancient astronauts teratoma." It's probably more disturbing than an actual teratoma. |
When last we left this intrepid blog, there was much discussion of beards and the like. There were also several pictures of what might be termed beards, in a very loose use of the term. There was apparently some umbrage taken in the blogoverse, as the inimitable and infamous Ajax (of "A Stroll Through The Apocalypse" and also trivia fame) spoke of beards ON THAT VERY DAY/NIGHT. Thunder was apparently stolen, for which my beard offers some slight recompense to his van Dyke by providing a link to his blog. Truly, this Internet is a wondrous thing to bring us all together, and to bring us peace. Who... who could have given us such a thing?
 |
| The day may come, when this joke gets old. When laughs no longer come, and we abandon our sense of humor. BUT IT IS NOT THIS DAY! |
Well, yes. There was much talk of beards, and I suppose that I should fulfill my promise of finishing up the list of four with the two greatest beards in Rob history, which are also the two most recent, because my follicles have become men now. They no longer have any time for your malarkey and baloney. A bit of bologna, perhaps, but likely not, because it prefers more identifiable meats.
Somehow, I got Ace of Base playing on the computer. I am not inclined to approve of this development, but it has a certain upbeat nasality to it. We may switch away from this to more fitting musical stylings.
However, I've rambled on for almost six hundred words (some of them not even words (except for "teratoma," which totally is, regardless of Firefox's ample protests)), and I suppose that I should get on with the list and not deprive you of the hirstute story of my whiskery stylings.
2. A New Element Arises
So, when we last left this story, we had found me returning to my clean shaven ways after the notorious Chin Strap Era. Years passed by. I discovered the joy of living clean shaven (despite the apparent French view that men should have 2 days of stubble at all times. No more, no less. How that is to be achieved, I cannot say. Very precise trimming? Seems like a lot of work for very little reward.), even through that cold French winter of 2010. You know, the one where snow shut down Paris and London, both of whom should REALLY know how to deal with snow by now. Memphis? Davidson? Yeah, we'd freak out, because it happened about once a year (even though people seemed to think it was less). Charleston? I don't even know what would happen if we had any snow. I perish the though of such chaos. We'd probably try to kayak down the market in it, only to find that it is an absolutely terrible idea. People would probably think that nuclear winter was coming AND that a nearby volcano had erupted. Ours is not a wintery clime.
However, much of this was stemming from a need to look somewhat professional for my teaching gig, along with a dislike of stubble from certain other parties.
Then med school happened.
 |
| Now, you stop that, Mr. Cancer, or I will have to call my attending so that he might deal with you, as I have no real grasp of the practice of medicine at this point. Also, my chin will end your sorry ass. |
Of course, I had to keep looking professional during medical school. We even get graded on it, with threats of it going on OUR PERMANENT RECORDS. (No, seriously. I've heard one particular horror story of a young man being brought up on professionalism violations for asking a question. It was an isolated instance from a certain professor, but the threat still looms. I haven't heard of anyone getting brought up for having a beard, but it seems like it could happen.) Slightly more practically, if you have any facial hair, you no longer can use the little duck TB mask.
| There was also an angry clown mask picture, but I figured I'd give you what one of these actually looks like. |
Pretty easy choice. Of course, that only explains why I stayed well shorn (it's a word, Firefox). The reason I regrew the beard is somewhat simpler.
I just got lazy.
See, we get a week to study before each of our exams. No classes, theoretically no mandatory outside activities, just a week to study. It's nice, but shaving stops being quite the priority that it was. Once the test is done, sure, take a razor to it. Problem was, the second test fell near Halloween, which meant that I was going to keep the beard (to an extent) for my costume as Teen Wolf. (Yes, it was a cop out and was last minute. That's how I roll on Halloween.) So I kept the scruff for a few extra days. Then I realized something.
That hair on the upper lip actually looked defined. I had never grown a moustache before, because it had always looked super ratty.
 |
| I aspired to this level of moustachery. |
This time, I actually had upper lip hair. And hey, some of that hair on my chinny chin chin was creeping up, too. Maybe a goatee could be effected.
And so it was! And it looked decent!
 |
| Can't help but smile when there's a goatee like THAT. |
Of course, like all my facial hair, there was a significant and fatal flaw. A small thermal exhaust port, if you will, to the death star of my boyish good looks. Yes, borne out of laziness, it grew out of laziness.
 |
| Yes, even Edward Cullen can't stand our mad swagga. |
 |
| I am the one who knocks. Only with more hair. |
| Comparisons to Colonel Sanders were made. |
Alas, such things could not last, and soon, it was gone. And good riddance.
Which brings us quickly to...
1. The Second Coming
Now that the theoretical possibility of a goatee had been realized, there was really only one more step. We had to try the Jesus again.
It's quite a unique and enthralling story.
You see, I just got lazy.
We get a week to study before each of our exams. No classes, theoretically no mandatory outside activities, just a week to study. It's nice, but shaving stops being quite the priority that it was. Once the test is done, sure, take a razor to it. Problem was, the second test fell near Halloween, which meant that I was going to keep the beard (to an extent) for my costume as Ancient Aliens Guy AKA Giorgio Tsoukalos. (Yes, it was a cop out and was last minute. That's how I roll on Halloween.) So I kept the scruff for a few extra days. Then I realized something.
It actually looked good.
Yes, a riveting story, I know. Gives me shivers every time I copy and paste it I MEAN PAINSTAKINGLY CHOOSE EVERY WORD BECAUSE IT IS TRULY A UNIQUE TALE OF INTRIGUE AND VALOR. Unfortunately, it hasn't been around long enough for significant photographic evidence to come to light. However, to paraphrase Mr. Tsoukalos, the only way that the full beard theory can be disproven is when the full beard shows up and tells us that it was never here.
| Because aliens. |
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