Oh, I guess that some people would like a blog post for tonight. Seeing as I'm one of those people (geez, what a slave driver), I suppose that I had better get writing.

Man, there was a time when I could just get cracking on writing with little to no plot or guidance. Well, no, that's not entirely true. A lot of times, there was a movie involved, and people would give me challenges on words to include (which isn't super hard if you're writing like I do. I mean, do ostriches run fast? Does a watched crockpot ever melt nacho cheese? Only with more transitions so it didn't feel quite so contrived). Those were the halcyon days in which we dined on only the finest tortillas filled with cheese and topped with only the finest basils and oreganos. (And that's bah-sil, not bay-sil, because I mean, come on. That's some crazy pronunciation right there. Who would go with a long vowel when a short one would do?)

And only the finest plastic electric hot plates designed specifically for quesadillas.

As for tonight, there's been talk of writing about how pregnant ladies shouldn't drink margaritas, and this is only too true. They should really stick to martinis, what with tequila slowly becoming a thing of the past (agave taking so long to grow and all). There's also been talk about people not caring about Pushing Daisies, and I mean, have you seen that show? It will make you care, if only because of the adorable dog. It looks like a dog you would want to play fetch with, possibly with a slobbery tennis ball. Digby is the kind of dog that you'd scratch behind the ears when he held that ball in front of you, refusing to put it down. Digby doesn't drop the ball. You see, Digby keeps his promises, both stated and implied. Digby is the kind of dog America needs now more than ever.

DIGBY 2016. ARTICLE II BE DAMNED.

But enough of my crackpot post-election political theories. Nobody cares about that, even with the absurdly cute picture of Digby. (HIS COAT LOOKS SO SOFT!)

And you know what? Tonight, we're going to leave transitions in the wind, because we're going to talk about sandwiches I guess.

This is all your fault, Frau Brow

I've had more than a few sandwiches in my day, and while mine are all impeccably made (Hahahahahahaha yeah, I couldn't quite say it with a straight face either. There's always jelly all over the place by the time I'm done), I'm sure that some of you have some trouble making that perfect sandwich.

So, what's the most important part of the sandwich? I would probably argue that it's the bread, but in a different way than you might think. The best bread out there is probably a good baguette, right? Well, yes. For actual bread consumption, that's going to be as good as it gets. Either that or one of the take-and-bake baguettes you can find at a bunch of stores. Seriously. Go get one right now, and go bake it. It will change your life. Then go get a real baguette, and prepare to have your life changed again. Don't go from normal crappy bread to a full baguette, though. That will ruin you.

See, baguettes are awesome, but they're pretty much designed to have a crispy/flaky outer shell with a somewhat more doughy/fluffy center. That's not going to work in a sandwich. The best sandwich I had was in Barcelona, and the bread there was pretty crispy all the way through. You want maybe some crumbs, but you don't want full on flakes. Pan-toasting with a little bit of butter (a VERY little bit) seems like the right call. (Remember what I said about impeccable sandwiches? I lied. I really know nothing about actually making a decent sandwich, except for once or twice when we were going floating, and I made gigantic sandwiches that were just way too big. They were freaking Dagwood sandwiches).

And we all know that comic strip characters are the paragons of healthy behavior. Garfield is 34, and he just eats lasagna.

As for types of bread, that really comes down to personal preference. I cannot abide rye, but sourdough and wheat are godsends. I will say that white bread is just lazy. I mean, come on. Take a risk. So what if rye bread doesn't work as French toast (and believe me, it DOESN'T and will ruin the rest of your day, which was off to such a good start. I mean, you were going to have some great French toast, and that was going to set the tone for the rest of your awesome day. We've all been there. Oh. It was just me? Well okay then.)? At least you've tried. At least you haven't wasted your life wondering what would happen if you tried a peanut butter and jelly on sourdough instead of white. You won't have to keep wondering.

Whatever she was on the news for, it is not what you want to be on the news for.

So, once you've got a good bread, well, you have to figure out the filling. Sometimes, this is super easy. You just slather on some peanut butter with a mild to moderate helping of strawberry preserves (the true faith of fruit spreads).

Even lions love strawberry preserves, and lions are the kings of the jungle! That... that is strawberry preserves, right?

Sometimes, though, there's a bit more trouble. Are we going with ham and cheese? What about the tuna salad? What of the chicken salad? I can't decide. I CAN'T DECIDE BRAIN ANEURYSM. Well, calm down there, scooter, because we're going to break it down for you a bit. Really, it's not that difficult. You've got your few basic categories. You've got your meat(s), your cheese(s), and your vegetables.

Picking a meat comes down to taste and texture, and I mean, you obviously shouldn't be eating meat you don't like or shouldn't be eating. Yes, I just made a sentence that was that redundant. You can deal with it, because it is late, and I am tired, and if you're a vegetarian, you should not be eating meat, silly. You also may have the megaloblastic anemia (GODDAMMIT THAT'S A WORD, FIREFOX), because how are you getting your B12? Oh, sure, vitamin supplements. Where's the joy in the hunt in that? Whenever I go buy meat, I get the joy of stalking through the aisles, trying to figure out where exactly I can find some tilapia (also a word, Firefox). Then, when I finally get it in my sights, I just wait for the right moment, crouching just out of sight, before I pounce and take down my prey (and probably an old lady who really just wanted to find the Activia and the tapioca). That's why I can't go to the grocery stores anymore.

See, the thing is, the meat itself isn't all that important. Yeah, you want it to go with the bread and all the other stuff, but it really just comes down to getting something that will fit in the sandwich without making it absurdly huge. As a result, it's really more about how you cut the meat than what sort of meat you get. Plus, the meat itself rarely adds incredibly noticeable flavors to the sandwich (unless it's smoked or, you know, tuna). For the bulk of the flavor, you're really looking at the cheese.

Cheese is, well. It's complicated. There's a lot you can do with cheese. Again, how you cut it is important. You don't need a solid block of cheddar in your sandwich, because if you can eat that without cutting it, your mouth is more man than I am. I'm personally a big proponent of melting the cheese whenever possible, because I mean, come on. Your texture should be the bread. You don't need the cheese making some weird "Oh, hey, I'm soft, but I'm harder to get started biting through than the bread because I won't compress much, and plus I've got this weird cold thing going on. You really should have melted me, but it's too late for that. You'll just have to live with your shame and keep eating this abomination that you call a sandwich" business with your sandwich. I find that cheddar sharpens up a sandwich, while Swiss will temper it down. American? Don't even. No. There are few places where American belongs (MAYBE a grilled cheese, but cheddar still wins out there), but it never really adds anything.

By now you're probably noticing that Rob doesn't really have a freaking clue on how to write about making a sandwich. There would probably be better ways of conveying this information than a soapbox about sandwiches. Sandwiches? Really? Come on, man. That's just lame. You could have done better. I know I could have, but it was late and I wanted to get some sleep, and so I let these good people down. But, you know, I'm just so far along, and maybe something good will come of this?

Michael Fassbender, save me!

 So you've got your wonderful bread (but not your Wonderbread, because you have more imagination than that), your delicious meat (which really doesn't add much to the sandwich as a whole, but is still important for the nuanced flavors that it might provide, and your favorite cheese (which, so help me God, had BETTER not be American). I guess you'll need some vegetables now. Personally, I hate lettuce and think that it is absolutely pointless. It has minimal flavor and is just this giant crunchy leaf that gets in the way of me eating my sandwich. Tomatoes though? Those are great. You know what's even better? A good vegetable mix that you can spread (like Xato). Okay, fine. That's just something I had on a sandwich once, but it was a really good sandwich. You may doubt, but man, it was just amazing.

And man, you've added your vegetables, and you might think you're done. Ha. You're cute. You're not done yet. You need some herbs on that. What are you going to do without herbs? Lead a fascinating and fulfilling life with the girl/guy of your dreams? Not likely. They probably want someone who has the chutzpah (oh, so THAT'S a word, huh, Firefox?) to get them the best things out there. And that's what herbs get you. Well, okay, they won't get you a Ferrari, but 500 years ago, they would probably get you the equivalent if you played your cards right. Throw some of that one there. Crush that business. Sandwiches are about creativity.

Oh, man. Sandwiches? Really, Rob? I feel like that kid who had to host the sports section on that college show.

Passes to the man...

And boom goes the dynamite.