Farenheit Four Fifty What?

Ladies and gentlemen, we are in the future, and it is a dark future indeed. Yes, dear readers, we are in a future that is going to cause just SO many typos. I'm afraid it is going to be quite terrifying, and you may believe that I have had some sort of stroke to the language centers of mu brain. See? Tgat's hopefully the first (abc second and now third) of the night. The first (and second and third)of of many, I'm certain.

You see, today, steps have been taken. Several steps, some of which are of minimal importance, but one of which is just so important. I can only speculate as to what the global consequences of such an action might be, but I'm anticipating hurricanes, fire and brimstone coning down from the skies, rivers and seas boiling, forty years of darkness, cats and dogs.lying down together, mass hysteria.

The first of these changes is the I locked my phone the heck DOWN. A year and a half after I got mu phone, I finally threw a password on it beyond "Swipe your finger to the right. Wait, the touchscreen isn't registering it right now. Turn it off and back on. Swipe the finger to the right. Repeat as needed." And no, you can't know what it is. I barely know what it is, because it's just so long. Rest assured, though, it is quite clever.

The other, potentially more important change (and the reason for all these freaking typos) is that I found the Blogger app for my phone and have duly installed it. Now, there are two distinct disadvantages to this course I'd action (that's supposed to be an of, but whatever. Also, we're talking disadvantages to you, my dear audience (all 5 of you, although apparently there are a bunch of you in the UK and Germany now. Fancy that. Also, if you're German and just learning English, please don't take these posts as paragons of proper spelling and vocabulary. But DO take them as the Pinnacle of humor, and apparently my phone spells Pinnacle with a capital P which standard for pool.) and not the disadvantage to me of having no excuse to not post whenever I have any sort of phone signal.). The first is that, due to the fact that I'm writing on a phone with my thumbs while my wrists are in a relatively uncomfortable position, there are typos a-plenty. Well, okay- UNINTENTIONAL typos a-plenty (bur not the lesser known cht unnaturally delicious typos polenta). I have faith in your abilities to read these posts with a mind to what little context I provide and come up with your own unique but invariably correct assessments of the situation at hand (WOCKA WOCKA). Besides, the typos are really my fault, because I'm a.) The one making them with my stubby and clumsy thumbs, and b.) I'm bot going back ti meticulously correct the typos. ALL THE TYPOS. "Well, okay, Rob, you handsome angel-faced devil, you. You've got me convinced of that one. But what could the other disadvantage possibly be?"

Well, that's really more a matter of functionality (which, if I had my way, would really be a matter of FUNKtionality, because who doesn't want a world with a little more funk? Fascists, that's who. We beat them once, and by gar, we'll do it again if we have to. But, oh shoot, I'm rambling again. I suppose you've cone to expect this from my meandering mind/my obsession with hitting the proper number of words. I'm fairly certain that I'm over 250 at this point, but it's hard to say. Heck, that's even one I'd the disadvantages. But I didn't tell you that. Nope. Ain't nobody here but us parentheses.). See, you may have taken note I'd my lack of funny yet cibtextuallu appropriate (that should say cintextyally. Cintextuallu. CONTEXTUALLY. Just look at your keyboard and then look at my  thumbs. All will become clear.) pictures and witty captions. Well, it is very possible to add pictures to these posts with this app. Ir even seems reasonably user-friendly. However, it DOES seek like it would take a fair bit of time to find an image from the internet to add in here. I think I'd have to save it to my phone, then go to add the picture, and then find the file in my phone. Given the massive turkey headache that I'm rocking right now, that is just way too much work.

The other big disadvantage (beyond the time it takes to write it) is that I have no readily available means to get a word count on this business. I could be at 20 words, I could be at 2000, and I have absolutely no idea. As such, the posts for today and tomorrow might be a bit shorter, as I have no Widow, which should say wifi, you stupid autocorrect software. Without this wifi, I can't use my laptop to get on the internet, and that's a but of a hindrance. What, I'm supposed to use this more portable bit of hardware to write this blog? Are toy insane? But seriously, I don't want to spend hours writing an amazing post on my laptop (possibly about sandwiches, because I'm sure you all just loved that one (Author's Note: New readers- take a look at that post to see what I mean. Or don't. It's frankly quite poor, because I really know nothing about sandwiches that don't consist of peanut butter and strawberry preserves. Strawberry jam? I am off my game and out of my element, Donny, if you throw that at me.)) just to have to type it all over again in this phone that jeeps resulting in typos, strange autocorrect results, and the addition of words that I didn't even want to spend hours writing an amazing post on my laptop (possibly about sandwiches that don't and now it's just repeating what I've already typed. What a sassy birch, and sure, I'll close the parentheses for the sake of decorum). At this point, I have about 165 lines of text on my phone. Based on a survey of about 7% of those lines, I'm averaging 7 words per line. That means that (with the five lines that I've added since the 165 count), I should be at somewhere around one thousand one hundred and ninety words. With the extra numbers and time explaining this, I would hope that I've now broken two hindered.  Sorry. One thousand two hundred. That's better in almost every conceivable way. (You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.)

Now, normally I might give a blow by blow on Thanksgiving, or maybe if I'm feeling super sentimental (for I aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam-ah.... A seen-ti-meeeeen-tal... Mahahaaaaaan) I could talk about the many things I am thankful for (German grammar students: that should be "for which I am thankful," because we don't like ending sentences with prepositions, even though it always makes perfect sense to everybody). But, man, I'm writing this post on a phone (for which I am thankful), and it is just tough to keep up with all the words and the phrases while I get the text messages from the friends asking for trivia team names. Also, this apartment has cats, to which I am allergic. Not terribly allergic, mind you, but I'm getting a bit of that cough and that itchiness in the eyes right now. I also have a crazy headache from the whole dinner and eating too much and drinking too much of too many wines. I know, my life is just so hard right now. Cat allergies with a headache after gluttony and alcoholism.

Also, congratulations to the Davidson Wildcats for beating Vanderbilt in the Old Spice Tournament Quarterfinals. One day, maybe your man can be like the Davidson Basketball Team. Or maybe not. But with Old Spice Shower Gel, your man may be able to smell like them. The ball is now diamonds. I'm on a horse.

Well, it was either that or me pretending to be Bruce Campbell playing piano like a lounge singer and singing "Hungry Like the Wolf." Despite my impressive chin, I fear that I would be unable to live up to the lofty standards of thespianship set by The Right Honorable Bruce Campbell, MP (he'll always be a member of the Parliament of my heart, where Christopher Walken is the leading whatever it is in Parliament. Prime Minister, I suppose). With that, I'm going to guess that I've hit somewhere in the ballpark of one thousand six hundred and sixty-seven words, which means it's time for me to get off if this and try to get some sleep.

Gobble gobble, y'all.