An Era Recommences

Glasses? Check. Bourbon? Check. I feel like there was something else? Check? I guess?

Oh, yeah. That's what it was. Leviathan by Mastodon? Check. You're welcome, Mom.

WHITE! WHALE!

Yes, yes, it's that time of year again. That time of year when the god-forsaken shorts are put away and we act like civilized human beings again, at least until it rains/snows/gets really cold/gets unseasonably hot/gets unseasonably cold/gets seasonably cold, because this is warm country, and we all go freaking nanners again. Nanners. It's a thing. Look it up. Okay, fine, you might not find it in a reputable dictionary, but in the ol' internal dictionary o' nonsense (which doesn't listen to your outdated rules regarding italics or capitalization, because it beats its own druhoom, thank you very malch), it's totally there.

With all due credit to Me & Mr. Right Now

Another sip of the ol' bourbon. Okay, it's probably not THAT old, but it's cheap and drinkable, and in that respect, I approve.

Before I get too far and forget, I do want to share a certain something, because it is freaking amazing.

I have strong hopes that this will work. I was thoroughly amused, and, boy howdy, I needed it. Therein lies a yarn. But before that yarn begins, I need to acquaint the new folks with our ground rules here. Yes, all one of the new folks. I'm not made of viewership. Readership? Bloggership? (Note to self: New video game mixing Frogger and Battleship called Bloggership. PATENT PENDING.)

Anyway, for those of you who weren't here last year, it's November, and that means it's NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month for the acronymally-challenged. And, yes, it's an acronym and not an abbreviation. There are rules about these things. If you break them, I will mutter to myself and look like a crazy person, which, strangely enough, also is involved in the upcoming yarn.). Since I don't have the next great American novel the world isn't ready for my next great American novel, we go ahead and meet the requirements with blog posts. It has been dubbed... Novemblog. Well, that's what it was last year. This year, it's Novemblog 2: Novemblog Harder. (Alternatively: Novemblog 2: Eclectic Blogaloo.) For 30 days, I will post at least 1,667 words rambling through a topic of my choosing. If you peruse last year's showing, some of it gets pretty fucked up (see: November 30, 2012, or perhaps December 1, depending on when I finished that post). As a point of reference, we currently stand at 427 words. Or, if you like, four hundred and twenty-seven words.

That, dear reader, is what we call "padding." Apparently, so is this. Who knew?

Promises to keep and miles to go before we sleep.

Anyhoo, on to the yarn.

When I was in 8th grade (or, rather, the summer after I finished 8th grade), I went to nerd camp. Nerd camp, honestly, is a bit of a strong word for it, but we'll go with it. I took a fantasy literature course. Yep. Let that sink in, ladies.

Looking up "sexy dungeons and dragons" did not yield much in terms of eye candy for the ladies. Sorry, ladies. Next time.

Anyway, we read a fair bit, including some classics (The Hobbit, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, Alice in Wonderland) as well as some newer fare (Harry Potter. What, you thought we'd read something else? We were in 8th friggin' grade. We couldn't handle much other fantasy literature. Other fantasy literature couldn't handle us. I think a lot of fantasy literature couldn't handle a four year old (I'm looking at you, vampire werewolf steampunk genre).

Okay, fine, I had to scrounge down a bit to find one that didn't actually look rather hilarious.

But, most importantly, to me, we read Ender's Game. They touted it as something we would all really like, because, see, we were gifted and special, and so were the kids in the book. I remember really enjoying it. Three years later, I read it again for my summer reading for AP English. Once again, I really enjoyed it. Five years after that, I picked up books from the Shadow series (long story short: spinoff/sequels. It makes sense in context?), and I REALLY enjoyed those. Well, until Orson Scott Card started inserting the usual "BABBY MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER. YOU NEED A SPOUSE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX AND LOTS OF BABBY TO BE HAPPY. EVEN IF YOU'RE
GAY."

Some of you think I'm kidding. Read the books.

But otherwise? Good characters, solid plot, complex motivations, the whole shebang.

No. NO. YOU DO NOT GET TO BE THE MASCOT FOR NOVEMBLOG. NO, WILLIAM HUNG.

I heard there was a movie coming out. With Harrison "Where's my family?" Ford and Ben "No! No no no no no no! NO!" Kingsley, no less! I was intrigued for a few minutes... and then I left it. Why?

I really don't like child actors. Some of them are actually solid. Abigail Breslin (also in Ender's Game) is pretty good. Mara Wilson? Yeah, she did well in Matilda. And, hey, she blogs for Cracked now. She does good stuff.

But, let's look at the majority. Jake "YIPPEE Anakin" Lloyd, Spencer "Abigail's SIGNIFICANTLY Less Talented Brother" Breslin, and... you know, other- OH! The kid from Ultraviolet and X-Men 3 who did a passable job in Thank You For Smoking (okay, it was a pretty good job, but I credit that to... well, everyone else in the cast who was amazing).

He's also in Twilight. I'll let you draw your own conclusions.

Anyway, my point is that, with rare exceptions, child actors can't really carry a film. Even when it seems like they do, it's usually because there's a VERY strong ensemble around them.

Maybe you see where this is goi- ENDER'S GAME HAS TO BE CARRIED BY KIDS. It's all about the kids. The kids are the main characters. The main characters are kids. Incredibly gifted kids, yes, but kids. Even if they're going to act like adults, they're kids, and they have to get to a point where that seems natural to them for it to work.

But, okay, fine. I had gotten my lady friend to read it a few weeks ago, and she enjoyed it. We wanted something to do tonight, so we went and saw it. I had a little bit of hope. It was a glimmer, but I thought that it was enough.

I was wrong. Well, sorta.

Before I start really laying into the movie, I will say that the visuals were impressive. The one thing that didn't jive for me was the scale of Battle School. It was too small compared to what they talk about in the books. (And, as we'll say later, scaling was a big problem throughout the movie.) But the Battle Room? The other planets? The desks? The work on Earth? The fantasy mind game? Spot. Fucking. On.

Jeremiah knows what I'm talking about. And he's killed a man. Several, actually. Fuck yeah, Jeremiah.

Also, Ben Kingsley nailed every scene he was in. Sorry. Let me amend that. SIR Ben Kingsley nailed every scene he was in. Harrison Ford did well with what he had, which was unfortunately rather black-and-white-but-mostly-black-because-fuck-that-guy-and-where's-my-family.

But let's go through this, shall we?

1. The kids are too old. Okay, this isn't a huge thing. It's hard to use really young kids for this sort of thing for reasons I've elaborated on above. Heck, it's hard to have kids going through puberty. Trying to deal with any sort of time passage gets wonky. I'll give them a pass on tha-

Oh wait.

2. Time? What is this so called "time?"

Okay, I should elaborate. In the books, Ender comes into Battle School at... let me check... okay, I'm not finding an age readily, but let's say 6 or 7 (Edit: Found an age. He's in Salamander at age 6. Let's say that's 3ish months after he gets into Battle School, so 6). He's supposed to leave Battle School around age 9 or 10. That's time to take classes, learn about leadership, etc. This goes quickly because Ender is so good at what he does. He gets in young, he leaves young. He's Ender friggin' Wiggin.

In the movie? He looks about the same age as everyone else. He's downright tall compared to other kids. More than that, he apparently leaves Battle School within months of getting there. He gets a whole tearful reunion with his beloved sister... because he was gone for a couple of months? "OH MY GOD I MISSED YOU SO MUCH WHILE YOU WERE ON STUDY ABROAD: SPACE." "I MISSED YOU TOO! I WAS SO CRANKY UP AT SPACE SCHOOL!"

The whole movie seems to take place over the course of  a semester. It really loses some of the gravitas.

3. Hollywood.

Yes. It's a stereotypical complaint. Yes. I know. Yes. Look. It's true. How do I know? Let me count the ways.

- They give Ender a love interest. Sorta. NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. It's generally a bit stilted, and, yes, the interactions themselves make some degree of sense, but the subtext is still annoying and wrong.

- They cut out almost every battle scene and two armies (okay, one and a half, since you don't see much of his time with Phoenix in the book). This only exacerbates the weirdness of the angst over a semester away.

- Ender becomes a bit of a Mary Sue. See, in the books, part of the point is that he has to delegate and rely on other people. He's a commander, but he doesn't deal with all of the details and trusts his subordinates to handle their end of the deal. The movie makes him into a bit of a control freak. More importantly, though...

- Everyone gets stupid. EVERYONE. Ender. Bean (who isn't part of Ender's launch toon, but, okay, time constraints, you Hollywood fuckbags). The whole gang.

Thanks for missing the point of the fucking book?

They try to go with the epistolary internal monologue, but it really doesn't work to make Ender look any smarter. And if Ender isn't smart, WHY THE HELL IS HE GETTING PROMOTED? He gets huge promotions in a few months. There isn't nearly enough for us to think he's actually ready for command. Rabble rabble nerd rage.

- More nerd rage- Bonzo Madrid. I get that they tried to meld him with Rose de Nose, but let's see what Ender has to say about Bonzo in the book:

Does he sparkle, too?

"A boy stood there, tall and slender, with beautiful black eyes and slender lips that hinted at refinement. I would follow such beauty, said something inside Ender. I would see as those eyes see."

 Okay, snark aside, Bonzo is clearly some Alexander type. A face people will follow. Yes, he's an ass, but he's an Alexander. Okay, that might be giving him too much credit, but he's got at least some rudimentary skill (outweighed by the massive faults in his leadership style). Who did they get to play Bonzo in this tour de force, you ask?

Why I oughta...

You can't really tell with this picture, because they're both leaning over, but Ender is bent over MUCH more than Bonzo. Again, Ender is supposed to be short. They turned Bonzo, a reasonably menacing figure in the books who tries to kill at least two characters throughout the series, into comic relief. Good job Hollywood.

- They miss the point of the book. Yes, there's the whole issue with the voice (i.e., the kids don't sound as smart as they're supposed to). But there's really one line that sums it up. Major Whatsherface (Anderson? I don't really remember, because the character isn't that important and isn't Harrison Ford) is basically the guidance counselor of Battle School. She goes on some rant about how Graff is being a dick (he is) and how Ender and all the other kids are, well, kids (they are). The problem is that she qualifies is with "just," as in, "He's just a kid." It seems to be played as if we're supposed to sympathize with her and start thinking that Harrison Ford is a bit of a dick (he is).

Look, we've seen American Graffiti. We already know this.

Let's look at the introduction to Ender's Game, shall we? Orson Scott Card-Carrying Dickbag But A Solid Sci Fi Writer talks about how he got a letter from a guidance counselor who HATED Ender's Game. She said that his characterization of the (incredibly gifted) children was incredibly unrealistic.

First off, she's a guidance counselor. I'm sure there are great guidance counselors out there. My school didn't have them.

"Geez, Rob..."

Orson Scott Card, the freaking AUTHOR, says that he wanted to say, "The only reason you don't think gifted children talk this way is because they know better than to talk this way in front of you." Yes, he goes on to say that children are always reinventing themselves but are also inherently oppressed by adults and there's other things that I'm too tired and intoxicated to deal with. But the point remains.

Yes. They're children. They're SMART children. You had them act like normal children in a military school. The only nod to being smart (beyond characters saying, "WOW! HE'S SO SMART!") was a line about how, "This is basic rocket science," which is the sort of terrible science humor that makes me die a little on the inside.

Look, if you want to see Ender's Game, do so. Let me know what you think. I was probably colored by the books (and the Shadow series in particular), and that certainly didn't help matters. Tell me why I'm wrong.

I'm probably mostly pissed because there wasn't a Days of Future Past trailer.

Still furious. But the picture helps.