Well, we're past the halfway mark on Novemblog 2: Novemblog Harder, or whatever sort of title you prefer to give this madness. Despite the good ideas that I'm just sure are rolling around in the old noodle, let's have a look at a comparison in progress between the two years, shall we?
Okay, you know what? I would. I really would. I would compare the word counts, frequently used words, topics, and that would probably take up about five hundred words, after which I'd be pretty screwed. There would be talk of Ancient Aliens guy and Harold Hill vs. William Hung and whoever else has been the mascot of this year's Novemblog.
I can't, though. It's been, what, ten, fifteen minutes since I finished that last paragraph? (Okay, fine, full disclosure: I moved to this one and then realized that there were some things I wanted to add to it, but the original figure is probably pretty accurate.) I haven't gotten everything copied and pasted, because my mouse is a piece of shit. You might think I'm joking. You might think, "Hey, man, it is only a poor workman who blames his tools, so clearly the problem is somewhere deep inside you." Well, not this time. Don't get me wrong- I have plenty of problems somewhere deep inside me. Thankfully, none of them is leprosy, so the glass is half full. I was going to include an image, but I thought that a.) leprosy isn't really something that can be made fun of in good taste (I know, right? Good taste has been the death of this month so far.), and b.) the images are pretty friggin' tough to look at. I mean, I think I've got a pretty good handle on gross. Not leprosy gross, though.
But, anyway, back to this mouse. This mouse has a nasty habit of double clicking on things. Now, if I were running Windows 3.1 and had done some sort of Quantum Leap bullshit where I'm suddenly in 1991 again, then, yes, maybe double clicking would be a handy little time saver. I could probably-
Oh. There it did it again. I wanted to close a window that was positioned precariously close to the Firefox close button. It closed the window and then asked if I wanted to close Firefox, what with my six open tabs (and, yes, since I know you're wondering and inquiring minds and such, we've got: Facebook, Why Moist is the Worst Word Ever, Blogger: Regaling the Asylum - Creat... (which sounds like some sort of action movie about kidney disease for which I have totally been called), #WHATSHOULDWECALLGRADSCHO with the badger gif, Word Counter (with my attempt at getting all the posts from November 1, 2012 to November 15, 2013 together- I got to November 4 and had about twenty thousand words. I doubt I'm in such good shape, but at the same time, I know there are 25,000 words required for the first fifteen days if I'm hitting word count (which I am this year, but also was at that point last year, and I believe that there are about 5,000 in those last three days that I couldn't get copied over due to this fucking mouse)), and my Google Image search for leprosy). This mouse is clearly the worst.
Anyway, yes, if I were running Windows 3.1 or something else that needed constant double clicking to do anything, then yes, this would be a nice time saver that would probably let me play all the games of Solitaire and Minesweeper that I wanted. No Free Cell or Hearts, of course, because this is muthafuckin' Windows 3.1.
But, hey, enough of this mouse that has been making my life miserable. Well, not miserable as much as mildly inconvenient.
I mean, it would be nice if I had an idea of something else to talk about, because I think I've exhausted the options on breakfast for a while, unless I want to talk about eggs. Some folks out there are allergic to eggs, though, which makes that awkward.
You know what? Fuck it. Let's get meta and self-deprecating.
REASONS NOVEMBLOG 2 ISN'T NEARLY AS GOOD AS NOVEMBLOG 1.
1. It's a remake.
Well, more of a sequel, but the spirit of a remake is still there. It's rehashing some old ground from the original Novemblog posts (movies, stupid images, attempts at stream of consciousness, overly long parentheticals (in which there are further nested parentheticals and the like), and way too many commas for any reasonable person, except maybe Victor Hugo).
And even though it's the second time it's happening, it's really a remake, because like the first one, there's no plot, so it's just the same thing but a little bit different and way too Hollywood. I mean, have you seen the production values on this? They sold out, man.
2. Terrible Mascots
We alluded to William Hung earlier, because he's just a horrible mascot. But, I mean, last year, there was Harold Hill and Giorgio Tsoukalos (whom you may know as "Ancient Aliens guy"), and they always provided spot on commentary to the posts. Who is there this year? Jeremiah Johnson? Victor Hugo? Relics of a world long gone. No, for a modern world with modern thoughts, we need the Pawn Stars guy and Puddles Pity Party.
3. Too old
Well, the author is, at least. I mean, look at how long it's taking to come out with these posts? He's clearly fading in his old age (and the aforementioned selling out), and he's not getting good topics. He needs to start drinking again. What's wrong with him? Why won't he drink more bourbon?
4. Too mainstream
Thor: The Dark World? Ender's Game? What's wrong with you? Haven't you gone to see an independent film recently? What, you can't handle staring at a stool in the middle of a dark room for two hours? Not a fan of an all-female telling of Bluebeard that goes for about thirty minutes and tries to make very awkward conversation about Bluebeard's clearly fake and blue she-beard? Maybe you should try some culture sometime. Try something REAL. You know, like a blog post about pudding. Not talking about how delicious it is (because, as we all know, pudding is delicious. It's no bacon, but it's delicious). No, just talk about how it feels to just smother your face with a bucket of pudding and let it drip along your hirstute chest as it gradually warms to your body temperature, leading a puddle of pudding on the moist floor.
5. Too little bacon
Oh, you can only do two posts about bacon before you give up? What, do you not love bacon enough? Are you some kind of vegetarian now?
6. Business lunch.
Business lunch? Business lunch.
7. Too few lists
The great posts last year weren't narratives. They were lists. As the Internet has shown us, you literally cannot have enough lists. Beards? Awesome. Whatever other lists went on last year? I don't even remember what they were, but I will literally buy them from you for, like, I dunno, rupees and shit?
8. Too many nos
To write a good blog post, you have to say, "Yes." Not, "No." Just say, "No," to no. Actually, don't do that, because that just opens the door to a lot more nos. No, don't do that at all. There's not nearly enough positivity in that. Instead of saying, "No," to no (which is something that you most certainly should never do, even in the least sunny outlook you can imagine), don't be afraid of saying, "Yes," to yes. Don't forget- it's not no to no.
9. Too little Christina Hendricks
What, are you afraid of a woman with curves now? Oh. I guess you're not. You've, um. You've got quite a little celebrity crush on Christina Hendricks. Well, where has she been? What the hell, damn guy? You've been fucking holding out on us, you little shit.
10. Not enough zombies.
Look, last year, we got enough zombie fun from your post about Dead Snow and your tips on surviving the C'thulhu apocalypse. Yeah, the first one was pretty abysmal (likely due to the reasons we listed above), but the C'thulhu post had some promise. Where the fuck are our zombies now, old man? Huh?
Okay, you know what? I would. I really would. I would compare the word counts, frequently used words, topics, and that would probably take up about five hundred words, after which I'd be pretty screwed. There would be talk of Ancient Aliens guy and Harold Hill vs. William Hung and whoever else has been the mascot of this year's Novemblog.
 |
| Goddammit, Hung, I already said you couldn't be mascot this year. What is wrong with you? |
I can't, though. It's been, what, ten, fifteen minutes since I finished that last paragraph? (Okay, fine, full disclosure: I moved to this one and then realized that there were some things I wanted to add to it, but the original figure is probably pretty accurate.) I haven't gotten everything copied and pasted, because my mouse is a piece of shit. You might think I'm joking. You might think, "Hey, man, it is only a poor workman who blames his tools, so clearly the problem is somewhere deep inside you." Well, not this time. Don't get me wrong- I have plenty of problems somewhere deep inside me. Thankfully, none of them is leprosy, so the glass is half full. I was going to include an image, but I thought that a.) leprosy isn't really something that can be made fun of in good taste (I know, right? Good taste has been the death of this month so far.), and b.) the images are pretty friggin' tough to look at. I mean, I think I've got a pretty good handle on gross. Not leprosy gross, though.
 |
| This badger is a far better mascot for this month than William Hung. |
But, anyway, back to this mouse. This mouse has a nasty habit of double clicking on things. Now, if I were running Windows 3.1 and had done some sort of Quantum Leap bullshit where I'm suddenly in 1991 again, then, yes, maybe double clicking would be a handy little time saver. I could probably-
Oh. There it did it again. I wanted to close a window that was positioned precariously close to the Firefox close button. It closed the window and then asked if I wanted to close Firefox, what with my six open tabs (and, yes, since I know you're wondering and inquiring minds and such, we've got: Facebook, Why Moist is the Worst Word Ever, Blogger: Regaling the Asylum - Creat... (which sounds like some sort of action movie about kidney disease for which I have totally been called), #WHATSHOULDWECALLGRADSCHO with the badger gif, Word Counter (with my attempt at getting all the posts from November 1, 2012 to November 15, 2013 together- I got to November 4 and had about twenty thousand words. I doubt I'm in such good shape, but at the same time, I know there are 25,000 words required for the first fifteen days if I'm hitting word count (which I am this year, but also was at that point last year, and I believe that there are about 5,000 in those last three days that I couldn't get copied over due to this fucking mouse)), and my Google Image search for leprosy). This mouse is clearly the worst.
Anyway, yes, if I were running Windows 3.1 or something else that needed constant double clicking to do anything, then yes, this would be a nice time saver that would probably let me play all the games of Solitaire and Minesweeper that I wanted. No Free Cell or Hearts, of course, because this is muthafuckin' Windows 3.1.
 |
| Aw yeah. Gonna use the shit out of these 16 colors. Doesn't even matter that it couldn't support the page on which I'm writing this. Windows 3.1: IT CAN SEE THE FUTURRRRRE. |
But, hey, enough of this mouse that has been making my life miserable. Well, not miserable as much as mildly inconvenient.
I mean, it would be nice if I had an idea of something else to talk about, because I think I've exhausted the options on breakfast for a while, unless I want to talk about eggs. Some folks out there are allergic to eggs, though, which makes that awkward.
You know what? Fuck it. Let's get meta and self-deprecating.
REASONS NOVEMBLOG 2 ISN'T NEARLY AS GOOD AS NOVEMBLOG 1.
1. It's a remake.
Well, more of a sequel, but the spirit of a remake is still there. It's rehashing some old ground from the original Novemblog posts (movies, stupid images, attempts at stream of consciousness, overly long parentheticals (in which there are further nested parentheticals and the like), and way too many commas for any reasonable person, except maybe Victor Hugo).
 |
| "Mais bien sûr, mais les point-virgules sont ceux qui font couler ma Seine, si tu me comprends." |
2. Terrible Mascots
We alluded to William Hung earlier, because he's just a horrible mascot. But, I mean, last year, there was Harold Hill and Giorgio Tsoukalos (whom you may know as "Ancient Aliens guy"), and they always provided spot on commentary to the posts. Who is there this year? Jeremiah Johnson? Victor Hugo? Relics of a world long gone. No, for a modern world with modern thoughts, we need the Pawn Stars guy and Puddles Pity Party.
 |
| Because a twerking Miley Cyrus isn't nearly nightmarish enough. |
3. Too old
Well, the author is, at least. I mean, look at how long it's taking to come out with these posts? He's clearly fading in his old age (and the aforementioned selling out), and he's not getting good topics. He needs to start drinking again. What's wrong with him? Why won't he drink more bourbon?
 |
| How else will Kentucky fund an unscrupulous basketball program that will have titles retroactively vacated? |
4. Too mainstream
Thor: The Dark World? Ender's Game? What's wrong with you? Haven't you gone to see an independent film recently? What, you can't handle staring at a stool in the middle of a dark room for two hours? Not a fan of an all-female telling of Bluebeard that goes for about thirty minutes and tries to make very awkward conversation about Bluebeard's clearly fake and blue she-beard? Maybe you should try some culture sometime. Try something REAL. You know, like a blog post about pudding. Not talking about how delicious it is (because, as we all know, pudding is delicious. It's no bacon, but it's delicious). No, just talk about how it feels to just smother your face with a bucket of pudding and let it drip along your hirstute chest as it gradually warms to your body temperature, leading a puddle of pudding on the moist floor.
 |
| This is ART. |
5. Too little bacon
Oh, you can only do two posts about bacon before you give up? What, do you not love bacon enough? Are you some kind of vegetarian now?
 |
| The tone of these criticisms seems wildly inconsistent. |
Business lunch? Business lunch.
7. Too few lists
The great posts last year weren't narratives. They were lists. As the Internet has shown us, you literally cannot have enough lists. Beards? Awesome. Whatever other lists went on last year? I don't even remember what they were, but I will literally buy them from you for, like, I dunno, rupees and shit?
 |
| Apparently I'm being criticized by fucking Link. What happened, man? You used to be so nice. |
8. Too many nos
To write a good blog post, you have to say, "Yes." Not, "No." Just say, "No," to no. Actually, don't do that, because that just opens the door to a lot more nos. No, don't do that at all. There's not nearly enough positivity in that. Instead of saying, "No," to no (which is something that you most certainly should never do, even in the least sunny outlook you can imagine), don't be afraid of saying, "Yes," to yes. Don't forget- it's not no to no.
9. Too little Christina Hendricks
What, are you afraid of a woman with curves now? Oh. I guess you're not. You've, um. You've got quite a little celebrity crush on Christina Hendricks. Well, where has she been? What the hell, damn guy? You've been fucking holding out on us, you little shit.
 |
| I DO apologize for my critical alter ego's language, Mrs. Hendricks, and I hope that you and your husband both find the schnozzberries to your liking. I'm told they taste quite like schnozzberries this evening. |
10. Not enough zombies.
Look, last year, we got enough zombie fun from your post about Dead Snow and your tips on surviving the C'thulhu apocalypse. Yeah, the first one was pretty abysmal (likely due to the reasons we listed above), but the C'thulhu post had some promise. Where the fuck are our zombies now, old man? Huh?
 |
| "Where are the Dead Snows of yesteryear?" Okay, fine, it's a terrible picture to go with the reference, but you try finding Zombie Yossarian on Google Images. |
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