Turning Japanese

I swear to God, I'm about to just hold down ctrl+V on this one. That's not entirely fair, though, because it just took a while to get started. Hence why I'm starting like this. At least I'm not apologizing (yet). I've been having the usual heck og a time figuring out what I'm going to write about, which only makes me be up later, which only makes it harder the next day to write quality terrible blog posts. And then I wonder where my glasses go. They weren't on my head, at least. Thank goodness for small miracles, huh?

I was going to go with the simple repeated Lana, but then I found the actual quote. Small miracles, huh?

I just binged through some Archer gifs. It was oddly satisfying, although getting up tomorrow morning will not be. But when is it, really?

I'll tell you when: Japanese TV shows.

Okay, that ended up being a bit of a non sequitur. Please, allow me to elaborate.

When I was a kid, my parents had some pretty extreme rules regarding when we could watch TV. From 1st to 3rd grade, it was just a matter of finishing homework, which was cool, because, hey, Saved by the Bell, and we all deserve to get totally unrealistic expectations of high school life.

Did not exist near my school. Also, where are these kids' parents? Also, why are these kids 30?

Third grade, though, shit got real. No TV until we were done with our homework or we had finished dinner, whichever came last. LAST. WHAT. I mean, that didn't apply on Fridays, which meant that I just went THAT MUCH HARDER for Dragonball Z and Reboot and the various other Toonami programming.

Thankfully, everyone forgot about the 4th one a year or so ago. MAY HE NEVER RETURN.

Now, before Mom and Dad start trying to defend their opinions and get all fussy, let me say this: I am a TV addict. It's gotten better since college came along, and it was FAR better when I was in France (because TV meant living room meant Bev. I actually did watch something once, and it was some bizarre Renaissance mystery thing. There were wolves that, I shit you not, looked like people with blankets over them, all Princess Mononoke style. There was some red headed lady who ran a sex dungeon and would then throw the people outside to be chased by the wolves. There was terrible, terrible slapstick. This movie was TERRIBLE. And I can't find it again, because I know nothing of the title and imagine that it wasn't even very distinctive in French circles.).

Unlike this Serbian train wreck that plagues my mind.

But, yeah, I watched a lot of TV. I tended to sit in front of screens. It certainly lent itself to being useful once I had to do that for my college courses, to say nothing of grad school. And like I said, it got better as time went on (somewhat), since I was always busy with classes or extracurriculars or the like. But I'm sure for my parents, having a smart but socially inept son who was pleased as punch to just sit in front of the TV all day was not their fondest dream.

We all know, of course, that their fondest dream was to have a pirate. Alas, costumes did not make it true.

Where was I before this interlude on my poor, deprived childhood, being forced to read and go outside and probably clean grout with my bare hands just to build character?

Oh, yeah. Japanese TV shows in the mornings.

I grew up at a sorta weird time for cartoons. Don't get me wrong- I hit some of the big name stuff (the Kids WB lineup, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Captain Planet (ugh), the DCAU (Kevin Conroy and Mark Hamill FOREVER), etc), but I was just a little too late for other big names (GI Joe, Transformers, He Man, and all that jazz). I get what people are talking about, but I don't pick up on the intricacies (such as they are) of the shows as much as some of my slightly older friends.

But you know what I hit right on the giant, Godzilla nose?

Power Rangers and Pokémon.

For Power Rangers, I feel like I always managed to be just a little bit behind the curve. In preschool and kindergarten, kids were always talking about it, but I didn't know when it actually came on. Near as I could tell, it was some ungodly hour in which, I dunno, teachers cleaned out cubbies? I was four, not a philosophy major. Then, once I was in first grade, everyone was all about VR Troopers. For those of you who don't know, VR Troopers was basically Power Rangers with computers, a shady businessman, and a talking dog.

And I don't think anyone remembers Beetleborgs or Masked Rider aside from me, so we'll leave those out for the moment.

But, hey, I figured out when to watch Power Rangers, and I stuck with it. I stuck with it for a sorta unreasonably long time. I mean, I won't say that I kept up with it religiously, and I still don't get what was going on with the Kat character.

I mean, first she's an actual cat or something and then Rita- GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF TOMMY. KIMBERLY AND TOMMY FIVE-EVER (IT'S LONGER THAN FOREVER LIKE IF YOU CRY EVRY TIEM)

I mean, honestly, I think my timing of leaving Power Rangers was entirely reasonable. One week they're all, "Oh, yeah, we had to kill Zordon, but he cleansed the universe of all evil, so we don't need the Power Rangers anymore." You know, a reasonably satisfying ending that came after several nice continuity nods (including JOHNNY YONG MUTHAFUCKIN BOSCH coming back and being amazing, as JYB tends to be).

Then, what do I see a few weeks later?

Oh, HELL no.

Even bringing Tommy back wasn't going to save that for me (the fact that I was like 11 probably also contributed).

Pokémon, though, was (thankfully) a bit of a different story. See, the video game came out right as I was about to go into middle school. It was, and is, an incredible game. It has possibly the greatest midi soundtrack I've ever heard, it has some subtle but somewhat compelling story arcs and backstories, and you could name your rival "ASSHOLE" (it was hard not to do all caps on Game Boy).

Oh, Professor Oak. You're such a card. (Also, for those of you who aren't in the Poké-know, your rival is Professor Oak's grandson. You can make him call him ASSHOLE and then scold him about how terrible he is at Pokémon. We are truly a warped culture.

 Despite the weird inconsistencies in the Pokémon games (why are you wandering around looking for wild Pokémon with a level 5 Squirtle? Wasn't Professor Oak supposed to be a good trainer? Why aren't the police stopping Team Rocket?), you didn't care, because there were flashing lights and, again, a really solid soundtrack. There were puzzles, there were challenges, but, most importantly, there was MOTHER. FUCKING. BLASTOISE.

"Now I know what you're thinking. 'Did he use 5 hydro pumps or only 4?' Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a MOTHER. FUCKING. BLASTOISE, A FUCKIN' TURTLE WITH CANNONS ON ITS SHELL, and would knock your pokémon right out, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?'  Well, do ya, punk?"

 And then there was the show.

I was disappointed. They went ahead and marketed Pikachu, who is frankly kinda mediocre. It's a mouse. You know what else is a mouse? Rattata. You know what Rattata does? Sucks. Boom. Logic. (Okay, fine, it also uses quick attack, but that's a coward's move.)

But, yeah, you had a pretty egregious break from the game storyline, and like a lot of the early anime, the voice acting was pretty shoddy.

If only they had learned from Power Rangers and gotten JOHNNY YONG MUTHAFUCKIN' BOSCH

To make matters worse, it came on at like 6 in the morning. WHO WATCHES CARTOONS AT 6 IN THE MORNING? THAT MAKES NO SENSE. (The giant magic talking animals that can only say their names, though? Totally reasonable.)

I mean, don't get me wrong. I still totally watched episodes. I just don't remember them as well or as fondly as I might.

I feel certain that I was going somewhere with this. OH! Yeah. Blah blah blah, I only watched the show now and again (because 6 in the morning? Some of us had to get to school at that hour. Thanks, Shelby County bus routes!). And, you know, to show my disapproval, I only watched the movie ONCE (and only the first movie, because standards). It was okay for a Pokémon movie.

For comparison, I have probably seen the Power Rangers movie at least a dozen times. It is wonderful and hilarious and terrible. There's the obligatory kid who you never see otherwise. Where are the Juice Bar and Ernie? And why are teenagers skydiving, regardless of their degree of attitude? But despite all of that, there's Ivan "Beloche gonna ham it up in the club tonight" Ooze. Also the lady in the leather bikini who probably started all sorts of awkward conversations between my parents about their son, but mostly Ivan Ooze.

You know, even with the makeup, purple really isn't that menacing of a-

GAAAH NIGHTMARE WIZARD NIGHTMARE WIZARD.

And, also, to beat Mom to it, yes, "You think she's cute too, huh?"

The things I had to put up with in my dark, TV-less childhood...