Wherein Rob Demonstrates That He Is Not a Fonzarelli

Okay, okay, fine. I'll admit it. I was wrong. Not just about that whole judgement thing, wherein Firefox appears to believe my nine year old self (which is hardly a good idea, because that kid is nuts). No, the title of my list yesterday was a bit cavalier in the making. I was hoping that I might justify it somehow, but, no. I'm pretty clearly in the wrong. So, to set right that which was made wrong, here is a revision of the title to reflect the recollection of important information.

If you are a regular reader and store things like this in your long-term memory, you'll remember that yesterday's title was Five-

Wait, no. That's not right. Let me get my bold voice ready.

YOU KNOW NEW YORK, YOU NEED NEW YORK, YOU KNOW YOU NEED UNIQUE NEW YORK.

There we go. Ahem

Five Great Actors of Lands and Territories Currently or Formerly Under The Control Of The British Empire Who Starred In Underrated Or Rightly Ignored Movies But Did a Pretty Great Job in Them

Unfortunately, when I was thinking about it this morning, I remembered that Max von Sydow was in fact German. This, too, was incorrect, because when I decide to be wrong, I REALLY decide to be wrong. I also need more delicious pretzels, but I probably shouldn't. But really, I probably should.

Rumor has it that Herr von Sydow has a truck of these delivered to his house every morning and then orates in their direction. If he does well enough, they give him some of their sweet, delicious calories. Unfortunately, due to his impeccable dedication to his craft, the pretzels have held him to increasingly stringent standards, leading to his gaunt appearance.

No, Max von Sydow is a Swede (ja, from Sweden), hence the frequent early collaborations with Ingmar Bergman. I know, I thought it, too: "A Swede? Who does he think he is? A buxom swimsuit model? Does he think he's Alexander Skarsgard?"

Even Alexander Skarsgard doesn't dare to think he's Alexander Skarsgard.

Anyway, as a result of this new information, there is a new title. Namely:

Five Great Actors of Lands and Territories Currently or Formerly Under the Control of the British Empire (And Also Some Swedish Guy Who Was in Some Art House Movies From The 50's Before Having Some Pretty Substantial Hollywood Successes and by the Way Has French Citizenship Now So I Guess He's Actually French) Who Starred in Underrated or Rightly Ignored Movies But Did a Pretty Great Job in Them

That said, I'm pretty sure that I gave away my number 3 actor with all of that lead in. So, away we go, I guess?

3. Max von Sydow in Strange Brew

Strange Brew is what happens when the 80's finally got to Canada. Okay, that's not fair to Canada, and I'm not just saying that because of the Maple Leafs.

And certainly not because they're bigger, stronger, more coordinated, and more weaponized than I am.

The movie is the film of a sketch from SCTV, which is a Canadian show that I have never seen. Amusingly, the sketch came about because the Canadian broadcasting company wanted "Canadian content" to fill some time on the show. You know, the show made by Canadians in Canada. Rick "The Nerdy Dad In Every Kids Movie in the 90's" Moranis and Dave "Naked, Except For Sailor Hats In a Hot Tub Filled With Pepto Bismol While You Shave My Buttocks" Thomas decided to mess around and play caricatures of Canadians. Apparently, in the 80's, Canadians weren't viewed as overly polite but rather as beer drinking, bundled up idiots who say "Eh?" a lot.

There is now an animated series. Since Rick Moranis retired, Dave "I'm Uncle Joey. That's Really All I Did, But Don't Act Like You Didn't Love It. I'm Looking At You, VH1." Coulier has taken over.

Apparently, Canadians really enjoyed it, and Americans thought that it was hilarious, even though most of us probably could not tell you why. Of course, because it was the 80's, and everyone was much more subdued and rational, they let it lie with the TV series and let the characters keep going until, after years of entertainment, they had a dignified sendoff that did credit to the characters in the minds of fans both old and new.

Ha. Hahaha. No. They did a mountain of cocaine and decided to pimp that brand out. And since the characters were caricatures, it actually did them more credit than any dignified sendoff would have done. (That sentence got away from me for a bit. I'm going to hope that I'm back in control of my language functions again.) They put out an album, which included a very Canadian rendition of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" that went off on more tangents than this blog on a good night.

Of particular note, though, is the movie, Strange Brew. In it, the Brothers MacKenzie putz their way into a job at the local brewery (which, I'm told by my clearly professional analysis of this movie, every town in Canada has in accordance with an old Newfoundland statute regarding sobriety and fairness towards hunted moose).

I heard about the law from these Royal Canadian Mounted Police officers. Oddly enough, they were trying to enforce the law in Tennessee. They DO know that the War of 1812 ended, right?

They then discover a nefarious plot involving hockey, a nearby insane asylum, synthesizer music, and (I shit you not) mind control beer going to the local Oktoberfest. This was 80's Canada at its finest.

There's also an inmate at the asylum who is a famous hockey player. 80's Canada is truly the most generous.

And, somehow, they got Max von Sydow to be the brewmeister masterminding the whole nefarious scheme.

Max is as surprised as you are.

He ties together this whole Hamlet (seriously, it's freaking Elsinore Brewery) meets a Bond movie meets Canadian Dude, Where's My Car? with an intensity I can't imagine they anticipated.

He actually just showed up on set one day and started squeezing people's heads until they gave him a part. Swedes are really strong.

I mean, he played chess against death... and lost. He fought the devil (okay, fine, it was just Pazuzu)... and lost. He tried to outsmart Tom Cruise... and lost. You'd think he could handle a couple of drunk Canadians.

Unfortunately, he fell into one of the classic blunders (no, not "Never get involved in a land war in Asia" or even "Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line"). Like so many Scooby Doo villains, he underestimated the power of the dog.

Now, I'm sure some of you are wondering where I'm going to go from here. The logical choice would be to finish off the list with numbers 2 and 1, and eventually, I will. Unfortunately, I've been extremely unfocused in doing this entry, which means that I've only gotten this much done over the course of, oh, three hours. Good job, Rob. I didn't quite hit my goal for today (which I think was somewhere in the three thousand range), but that's because this is only one post. Oh, ho, dear readers. Another post may be on the horizon.

More likely, though, I'll just go to sleep and hope that I have better luck tomorrow.