There appear to be some strong feelings on local (or not so local) sports teams. You know, for football kicks and basketball jumps and baseball... um... balls?

I'm guessing this is a deep ball into the end zone to make a birdie bucket.

Something about some chestnut brown tigers? Apparently that's good for chickens or some shit? I have absolutely no idea. I'm pretty obviously not a sports fan, so this isn't going to exactly jive as a topic for substantive and depp thoughts. I'm sorry, deep thoughts.

"If I could just slack off for a few years and just work with Tim Burton, how much money could I make? Millions? OR BILLIONS?"

Billions indeed, Mr. Depp. Perhaps billions in bouillon. Depends on how good your contract is, I guess. If it's that good, solid choice on agents/attorneys/shamans/witch doctors/Care Bears/legions of fangirls. Good show.

Anyhoo, having covered bacon pretty thoroughly (and having been pretty thoroughly covered in bacon) yesterday evening, I suppose that today, we'll have to talk about something unrelated to bacon. I mean, some would argue that everything is related to bacon, and that we all have bacon's sweet bacony goodness someplace inside of us. Possibly with a side of bacon on a bed of bacon and a bacon roll on the side.

Okay, I guess we'll talk about bacon a little bit, but we'll try to leave that behind us.

Instead, we'll talk about sausage.

Compared to bacon, King of Sausage is sorta like Moistest Potato Chip. But we'll continue all the same.

I've never been a huge fan of sausage as a breakfast food. It's not as readily eaten as bacon, what with the whole skin or patty thing. How are you supposed to eat a patty conveniently? This cannot be done. That's why everybody loves bacon. I mean, you get all these breakfast menus that give you options. I mean, eggs make some sense, because some people prefer fried eggs over scrambled. I mean, I haven't met any of these people, but I feel certain that they exist.

Because when I think of eggs, I think "hot liquid oozing out of the middle." You know, "blister" or "zit."

Toast vs. grits vs. biscuit is another decent choice. I tend towards toast, but there are some places that make EXCEPTIONAL grits, and it would almost be a crime to miss out on those grits. I will admit that some places make grits that are just awful. I'd say they're north of the Mason Dixon line, but given the Northern disposition towards grits, I don't know that they even make grits up there.

It's some sort of delicious witchcraft.

Yes, there are some restaurants in the South that make absolutely atrocious grits. That's why I don't eat those grits. What, you missed the bit earlier where I tend to go for the toast. Wheat, if they've got it. All about the fiber, like all the other regular Joes. But, yeah, there are places that make miserable grits, including my old summer camp (which was in Arkansas. But seriously, you could hold the bowl upside-down and they wouldn't budge). Those are probably instant grits, which are awful, because, I mean, as we all know...

"No self-respecting Southerner uses instant grits." They may, however, use magic stoves purchased from the same guy who sold Jack his magic beans.

Sometimes you even get the waffle vs. pancakes vs. whatever decision. Cool beans! No big deal, because waffles and pancakes are almost interchangeable. Sweet, delicious substitutions.

Some places, you even get fruit. SWEET VITAMIN C IN A BOWL THAT'S DELICIOUS!

But bacon vs. sausage? How is that even a contest? It's bacon. Bacon! But sausage?

1. Too greasy. It's like a layer of oil. I know that we're comparing it to bacon, which is the poster child for grease, but it has that whole crunchy thing going for it. Sausage either gets the ground meat thing, which is just an odd texture, or it gets the slimy patty thing. Plus, the skin.

Quick, somebody make a poster. Because, see, it's the poster child. It needs a poster. You're hurting bacon's feelings. It's got the mind of a child, and you're keeping it from getting a poster. What kind of monster are you?

2. The texture. Yeah, I already hit this a little bit. Whatever. Bacon has that nice consistent thing going for it. Sausage, though? You've got ground sausage patties where the discrete packets of meat are just hanging around separately, so you've got some sort of solid meat cereal. Who wants meat cereal? Not I. But we've been over that, I think. On the other side, you've got sausage links, which have the aforementioned greasy skin which is also durable enough to make cutting difficult. Even biting into it is vaguely unsettling. Why would you want to do that to yourself at breakfast? Most important meal of the day, and you're ruining it with terribly textured meats. Why can't you just eat bacon like a normal person?

Meat packets really need better coverage in string theory.

3. The spiciness. Don't get me wrong, I've gotten to where I'm something of a fan of a bit of kick in most of the things I make, but sausage has that weird pepper thing going on with its flavor, and it's just not pleasant. Some people dig it, but not me.

Of course, this is all breakfast sausage. Chorizo can work fine in an omelette, and it works well on its own sometimes. (Yeah, I know that kinda goes against the "I don't like peppery sausage" argument. Don't judge me more than you already have.) And kielbasa? Andouille? Incredible. (Okay, fine, andouille smells kinda horrendous when it's on the stove, but it tastes just fine.)

But these sausages all need something to go with them or some sort of cooking to happen before they're workable.

You know what doesn't? Sushi. No, no, I kid- you have to barbecue eels sometimes. I'm talkin' 'bout saucisson sec. 

You might not hear this too well, but there are some angels singing pretty hard right now. One of them is TOTALLY shredding on its guitar/harp. You're missing out, man.

I found this stuff while I was in France, and it is just the greatest thing ever. You remember how I said that carrots were the ultimate travel food? This is pretty high up there. The only reason it doesn't top carrots is because it's usually smaller and requires a knife. You ever tried bringing a knife on a plane? I mean, you TRY to explain that it's to cut up your delicious sausage, and then you get on all these lists and have to introduce yourself to neighbors in these awkward conversations, and you get these weird looks whenever they're with their kids. Really, not worth it. But you throw some cheese and a baguette into the mix, you've got yourself a stew. Well, it's not really a stew, but it's delicious.

The only issue with this picture is the knife. Dude, you tear baguettes. I mean, I guess it could be in use for the sausage, but then, why is it under the bread? Riddle me that, Le Batman.

Plus, yes, there's a wrapper/skin thing going on. It can be removed pretty easily, but it's still an extra step that you just don't want to have to deal with. I mean, it's in the way of you and eating delicious sausage.

So many innuendos. So little time.

Yeah, there's a fair bit of fat (as shown by all the marbling and such), so it gets a little greasy, but it's all over the place, so there's a pretty smooth texture to it. Plus, savory as fuck. There's all these flavors out there (seen at the Salon de l'Agriculture, with which Bev has some pretty incredible problems for which I had minimal patience, resulting in sarcasm, hurt feelings, and the rant of the century from Bev), most of which are delicious. Okay, fine, there was a weird olive flavor which was not my cup of tea at all, because I'm not a big fan of olives. Okay? You got me.

There are few words for how delicious this might be.

I've been told to go for lots of nos again. I don't think that would be a good decision, because there are only so many nos a person can take. But, look. Saucisson sec- easier to make than bacon, easier to eat than breakfast sausage, substantially more delicious, and far less perishable.

One hundred words to go. There's not much more to be said about it, because saucisson sec really speaks for itself. It's delicious, fantastic, flavorful, and probably some other adjectives that better describe it, if they were to exist, which they don't, because as I already said, it speaks for itself. Speaks so hard. It's like the goddamned Lorax of saucisson sec. And with that, I think it's time for me to have a drink and try to forget about the pain of saucisson sec being an ocean away.

DAMN YOU, OCEAN.