Another RACE AGAINST TIME

All right, it's Friday, and that means that I should probably try to get things done early so I can go to bed, sleep, and then continue to sleep for hours on end. HOURS, I tell you. Perhaps before sleeping, I can maybe do things with a side of stuff. That would be just lovely in so many wondrous ways. And, having consulted the oracles, a topic has been decided. Oh, momentous oracles, what in the what did you decide upon in terms of a topic?

The oracle, although you'd be forgiven if you thought it was one of those head tossing Muppet things from Labyrinth, such is her sagely wisdom.

Apparently, the topic of the evening is pizzicato. Now, I know that if you're like me, you think this is some sort of food. Some sort of pizza taco hybrid, possibly involving a cat. Hopefully not, though, because that will wreak havoc on some allergies.

These things already exist. No word on the cat content yet, though.

 According to Wikipedia (source of knowledge analogous to the oracle's wisdom) had the following to say on the topic:

"Pizzicato (/ˌpɪtsɪˈkɑːtoʊ/; Italian: pizzicato, translated as pinched, and sometimes roughly as plucked)^[1] is a playing technique that involves plucking the strings of a string instrument. The exact technique varies somewhat depending on the type of stringed instrument."

This might make you think that playing the guitar is inherently pizzicato. Well, according to Wikipedia, it has nothing to do with that and everything to do with palm muting. So now you know. You can also do it on a piano if you just hate pianos and common decency.

A piano once killed their parents, leaving them to train to find revenge.

But more importantly, you know that there's such a thing as pizza taco. Rather, taco pizza in that case. A pizza taco could get awkward with all the mushrooms, but I'm sure that it would be doable to use a corn or flour tortilla in a manner reminiscent of a calzone. And if they can make a taco pizza and put a fried S'more on the moon or some shit (I'd imagine that would be a terrible idea, because there would probably be air pockets from the frying process that would expand and cause a horrific mess. GET ON IT, COMMANDER HADFIELD!)

Imagine this, but with marshmallow explosions. This is my dream, Chris Hadfield. I'd imagine Michael Bay might be interested too, especially around snack time.

(Having once again hijacked a sentence with a parenthetical followed by a picture, we'll get back to the show), what other Lovecraftian food hybrids lie in the abyss?

 Dear friends, I have a dream. Oh, do I have a dream. I'm pretty literally tearing up a little bit just thinking about this, such is my passion for this dream. And what a dream it is. OH MY GOD.

No, not that dream. That one is pretty incredible, though.

Are you ready? No. No you're not. You need to get up, jog around the block (or bike, if your knees aren't up to the challenge and you have a bike), do some pushups, and do some stretching, because this will blow your mind so hard that you'll pull a hamstring if you're not ready. THE PUSHUPS ARE SOMEHOW RELEVANT.

"No, that doesn't make any se-" NOPE. NOT HAVING IT.

Did you do all of that? Do you think I'm joking? DO YOU THINK I'M FUCKING JOKING? No. I'm not. Go. I'll wait. My dream is waiting on you to be fulfilled. Thanks. Thanks. You're holding this whole thing up by being stubborn and not exercising properly.

Rob once astounded audiences by reciting the recommended guidelines for exercise as well as an extremely accurate guess of the caloric content of a Chik Fil A chicken sandwich. I'll also wait while you applaud.

Did you stretch, too? Okay, fine, whatever, you're taking WAY too long on this, and my dream won't wait forever.

I'm envisioning a bacon pastry.

Now, I'm sure some of you have gone ahead and done a Google Image search for "bacon pastry," and you've probably found some intriguing ideas.

Not bad.

What you'll notice, though, is that with all of them they're just part of the pastry. Like a friggin' condiment. Yes, that pie crust is impressive, but is it doing bacon justice?

This appears to have nothing to do with bacon justice, which is also an incredible band name.

There are doughnuts and cinnamon rolls with bacon bits mixed in. Is bacon the new crouton of breakfast? I say, nay.

I guess you needed some more context for that, didn't you Frau Blücher?

Nay, because bacon is much more than that. Bacon gets a lot of love, and rightly so. But nobody has really maximized bacon's true potential (like so much shounen hero). However, I envision a magnum opus of bacon. Really, it's a pretty simple idea with some offshoots that could really just kick things up so many notches that Emeril will need to take an elevator to get where we're going.

Check this out. We take the idea of a cinnamon roll, yeah? Something that has been shown to pair well with bacon. Something with the sweetness to offset bacon's savory flavor. Maybe throw some other flavors into it to further complement the bacon.

The maple kind? Yeah? Yeah?

We take all that business, and we roll it into a ball. Doesn't have to be huge- someone will have to eat this, of course. Think large hush puppy size. Okay, fine, Yankees, think crabapple size. (I really hope that's actually a decent comparison, because a Google Image search has thrown my idea of what a crabapple actually is into question.)

Rest in peace, Marcia Wallace.

All right, so we've got that dough rolled up into a nice ball. Now we're running into the tricky part. This took some time to get right in my head, and since it's all purely theoretical bacon, it's a good time to tread lightly.

See what happens when Bacon gets Theoretical? IS THIS REALLY WHAT YOU WANT?

So we're going to take some unspecified amount of bacon and lattice it around our little ball of dough. You keep doing that until it's covered. And I do mean covered. If there's dough visible, you done goofed.

That's right. We're using bacon as the shell around some delicious dough. You could probably up the ante and put some sort of gooey filling INSIDE THE DOUGH. Yeah. There's some room for interpretation with this guy, but the concept remains the same.

Wait a minute. Overarching message? Appeal to dozens hundreds thousands millions LITERALLY TRILLIONS? Some sort of message about pork products?

I've created Baconism.

Don't worry, that's not the real Bacon God. There are places not covered in bacon on him. Bacon Jonah, TOPS.

Of course, like all major spiritual movements, there is a schism that divides it.

One side says that, in accordance with the commandments of bacon, bacon must not be sullied by being covered by anything. For lo, as the prophet wrote "So we're going to take some unspecified amount of bacon and lattice it around our little ball of dough. You keep doing that until it's covered. And I do mean covered. If there's dough visible, you done goofed," so shall we keep our bacon unsullied by coverings of other foods. Yea, we shall place The Bacstry into an oven and bake it for an appropriate amount of time, for ain't nobody got time for trichinella.

Trichinella,  however, always makes time for you.

On the other side, it is written that bacon is itself quite caloric and fatty, and as bacon is good, so therefore must its qualities be good. Other items sharing or enhancing our understanding of these qualities ("baconness," if you will) should be sought out and glorified, for they are aspects of bacon's goodness in all of us.

Some other schools consider baconness to actually mean, "a lady of bacon," but fuck those guys.

As such, they maintain that the bacon should be covered in a layer of some sort of sweetened batter or dough. This new, larger ball, illustrative of the bacon within us that also surrounds us with its glory and light, may then be placed into some variety of boiling oil and cooked for a sufficient time, as ain't nobody got time for salmonella.

Salmonella, however, has time for you.

Once removed from the cooking implement of choice (depending on whether you subscribe to the school of The Bacon Without or The Bacon Within), you should allow some time for cooling before rendering it asunder with your jaws and hands, for while we are not savages, that shit is probably fucking delicious, and ain't nobody got time for etiquette when there's bacon afoot.

Please enjoy responsibly.