Dear Spyware:

Go fuck yourself.

Now that that's out of the way, but before we get to the meat of tonight's adventure in insanity, I'll say that Thor: The Dark World is pretty entertaining. Tom Hiddleston and Christopher Eccleston are (of course or as always, depending on your personal philosophy) pretty incredible, the stinger has an amazing (albeit brief) performance by a certain mumbling dirty cop, and Sarah Michelle Gellar gives her best performance in years.

Dark elves, vampires, same thing. She looks oddly different, though.

There was also a preview for Captain America: Winter Soldier, which has me oddly excited about it. It looks like Chris Evans is actually pulling off the paragon aspect that I previously mentioned as why it's so hard to Captain America interesting in a solo series. It doesn't hurt that they're somewhat strawmanning other folks in the series, but keeping him as a symbol seems like it might work. Props to Marvel Studios for making that happen.

Also, unfortunately, it looks like they're making a Need For Speed movie. I never played the game, but if memory serves, it's a driving game. How do you make a movie about a driving game? "Oh, man, you've got to win this race in Arizona. Now you've got to win another on the Vegas strip. And one more in Hawaii. You really were... Cruisin' USA." That sounds terrible and ridiculous and, unfortunately, I might have to see this one. "Rob, what could possibly drive you to such a terrible, terrible idea?" you may ask.

Goddammit, Jesse.

 If (and likely when, but hey, stranger things have happened (even if it would be a terrible travesty if Need for Speed were the first good video game movie since... um... (fact checking AND achieving the triple parenthetical) ever?)) the movie ends up being a total bomb, I hope that it turns out that Aaron Paul just signed on to get to drive around in nice looking cars. Possibly a nice paycheck, too, I guess.

Anyhoo, now that the previews are over and the lights are going to drop a bit, let's get to the fucking point, shall we? Oh. Sorry, Mom and Dad. Let's get to the freaking point, goddammit. (Close enough, right?)

The point of this post is that The Sandlot is an absolutely terrible movie, and I want it to die in a fire.

The sequel can stay, because it's probably not worth it.

Honestly, if I were the only one to have seen The Sandlot, I probably wouldn't have had such a visceral reaction to it. But geeeez, everyone in my generation seems to have seen it and seems to hold it up as a movie of our generation. And, yes. It is a movie of our generation. So is Super Mario Bros., and so is Double Dragon. That does not mean anyone needs to suffer through those rice water stools of movies.

And we were surprised when The X-Files wasn't as good with him. Okay, fine, we weren't.

Yes, I have moved into medical terminology. I could barely think of a foul enough term to describe such abominations of cinema. Despite my need for a bigger word count (which we all know feeds my soul like the delicious tears of a thousand starving orphans), I cannot do the same with The Sandlot. I cannot sully medicine's good name forever by associating it with The Sandlot.

"FOR. E. VE-" Not you, too, Hippocrates!

Look, let's compare it to the closest counterpart movie that I can think of: A Christmas Story. They both are centered around a seminal (but somewhat absurd) coming of age experience, they both speak to a simpler and more innocent time (which, surprise, wasn't all that innocent when you look at some of the things the kids do), and they both have a cast of kids rounded out by a couple of decent adult actors.

First off, we'll start with the actors. James Earl Jones has a great voice. Darth Vader and Mufasa were both pretty incredible performances. I don't know that I could list another movie where he did particularly well. Well, I'll amend that. I don't know of any live action movies where James Earl Jones carries the movie. I don't know that he can. Likewise, Dennis Leary is funny, but aside from Rescue Me, where he was supported by a good ensemble and solid (albeit absurd) writing, he's not a good go-to man to keep a movie afloat. Darrin McGavin, on the other hand, was Kolchak (or so I'm told)!

Okay, mostly that's just me being biased against child actors and/or adult screenwriters not being particularly good at writing children and not being partial to James Earl Jones. I will say that McGavin's performance alone could carry A Christmas Story to be as good of a movie as it is. (That said, Peter Billingsley DOES do a pretty solid job, although I haven't seen him in anything else. Plus, the script has some good lines.)

A Christmas Story works because everyone can relate to the holidays. Most families have some sort of gift-giving holiday tradition, and those that don't know folks who do well enough to understand what's going on. It's relatable. And every kid had something that they really thought they might get, but then they got worried they wouldn't get it, but (spoilers) they got it.

Guess what mine was?

The Sandlot, on the other hand, deals with sports. Yes, they give a nod towards the "nerdy" kids, and they try to make the protagonist seem like he doesn't know anything about sports, but then why is he trying to play baseball with these kids? Yes, everyone wants to fit in at some point, but who does that with sports? For that matter, WHO THE HELL PLAYS BASEBALL IN A SANDLOT?

This guy. Don't you want your children hanging out with this guy?

Everyone plays Little League. Well, okay, let me revise that. Everyone who plays baseball these days plays in Little League. They might not be particularly good, and their league might not be particularly well-funded, but you usually don't play in an empty property lot next to a lot of other houses. That's just asking for trouble. You know, like breaking a window or losing an important ball. The very premise of the movie is, "Hey, let's look back at this simpler time that you can totally relate to," but nobody can relate to it. Okay, maybe some people can, but they're not me, and since I'm writing this, I'm assuming nobody else can.

Technically, the movie is about "a real pickle." They don't ever open up any Vlasics to my recollection, so I can't say that they had a real pickle.

Speaking of simpler times that people can relate to, let's get to the second point, shall we? Yeah, they both take place through a nice lens of nostalgia and go back to the 50s or so (ignoring all the Red Scare stuff, because, you know, kids. They can't be communist.).

At least not with our sterling public school systems!

But, oh, hey! Things aren't all as they appear! These kids are doing *gasp* adult things! Wacky fun. In A Christmas Story, there's some swearing, leaving a kid with his tongue stuck to a pole to get frostbite, and burgeoning cynicism (after being scammed by Little Orphan Annie).

You know, the thing about Little Orphan Annie, she's got... lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eye. When she comes at you, doesn't seem to be livin'. Until she bites you and those black eyes roll over white.

Yeah, the frostbite bit is a bit jarring, but the kid knew what he was getting into. They freaking warned him, and he went ahead and did it anyway. Most importantly, there's the scene of Ralphie vs. Scut Farkus. Blah blah, Scut bullies Ralphie, Ralphie snaps and BEATS THE EVER LOVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF HIM. Now, bullying is not something that should be trivialized, nor is violence. But good Lord is that scene satisfying. We all had some kid who made our lives miserable growing up, and there were plenty of times where we wanted revenge. Ralphie, the doughy underdog who just wants a freaking BB gun for Christmas so he can be a cowboy, takes it to the paint and scores a touchdown right in Farkus' weasly face. (Note: Rob is not a sports guy. This may explain his antipathy towards The Sandlot.)

It didn't hurt that their casting department was apparently INCREDIBLE.

In The Sandlot, there is a somewhat similar scene of overcoming bullies. The "scrappy" bunch of "underdogs" beats a team of yuppie kids with whom there's a rivalry for rather vague reasons. They have better uniforms? Is there even an organized league among these kids? Why do they need uniforms, then? Did they even have uniforms? Regardless, the kids are kinda a bunch of dicks. Yes, trash talking is a thing, but they're a bit extreme about it. Then, celebrating their victory, they decide to chew tobacco. So, we've got verbal abuse and drug use. I wonder what else could make these kids awful?

Oh, just some good old fashioned sexual assault. Wacky fun!

And I'm not even talking about the actors.

They're all at the pool, and there's a pretty lifeguard. A very pretty lifeguard. Remember that kid from earlier? The one who you would TOTALLY want your kids hanging out with in an empty lot? Yeah, you remember the one. You scrolled up just to check again. Well, he maybe fakes drowning, and then this happens.

Family fun!

There's really not much I can say about that. I get what they were going for, and I get that it's a trope that has been used, but it still doesn't sit right.

At least they learn about how to make S'mores (because kids needed to know that?), which is more than could be said about the folks at the fair.

Anyway, kids, leave the baseball movies to the professionals. You know, like Madonna.

Such a professional.