Dear People Magazine,
First off, I would like to congratulate you on your circulation. Even though I'm not sure what exactly you do (profiles on each person as they go through life at least once? That must be tough with some of the infant mortality rates out there). I mean, I'm sure somebody out there knows what you do and reads you. Despite all of that, you seem to be putting up some pretty impressive numbers. Be warned, though- I've got over 12,000 page views from at least ten different countries, so I'm coming for you.
Second off, I'd like to congratulate Chris Hemsworth on being selected as your choice for the Sexiest Man Alive in 2014. He is certainly a fine looking man, and he's done some pretty great stuff in the movies I've seen him in.
But is he really the sexiest man alive? I'm sure that there are some folks out there who would swear by various opera singers or older actors, and Sean Connery is certainly still alive and kicking, as is Harrison Ford. Out of all these options, is he still really the top pick? I'm getting a little off topic, but bear with me.
I can't speak too much to the merits of other performers and celebrities who may have been overlooked for the title this year. Maybe they all declined as a statement about the lack of male Asian romantic leads in American cinema. I can't say. I am, however, curious as to why I did not receive an application for this honor. I've been trying to work this out in my head with varying degrees of success, and I wanted to share my reasoning with you to make sure that I'm not missing any major points.
The title we're looking at is Sexiest Man Alive, right? So that means that the honoree has to meet all three criteria- that is, "Sexiest," "Man," and "Alive." Clearly I have been found deficient in one of those three categories, or else I would have at least received an invitation to apply. Otherwise, is the title really accurate? As a potentially popular periodical publication, People, I would hope that you would have the integrity to thoroughly check your facts and only print such articles and information as have been thoroughly scrutinized for accuracy and content.
The first criterion is "Sexiest." Obviously, this is by definition a superlative adjective, so there can only be one.
Because it is a superlative adjective, this is obviously the criterion upon which the final award will be based. However, this also means that those invited to apply need only fall under the criteria of being sexy, as the judgment for whichever applicant is sexiest falls to the committee. Merriam-Webster defines "sexy" as "1. Sexually attractive. 2. Of, relating to, exciting, or expressing sexual attraction or desire," but Merriam-Webster is a bullshit dictionary, and I do not recognize its authority.
The fact of the matter is that I have been recognized by several independent observers as being sexy. I just confirmed with one that it is still the case. As I have mentioned before, my hair, despite its decision to gradually leave my head and thereby better expose my thinkspace, has been recently recognized as nice by a... lady at a local establishment. On a similar note, smart has been widely recognized as the new sexy, with multiple female celebrities and non-celebrities alike lauding the virtues of intelligent men. Personally, I am in the process of earning two terminal degrees, am conversant in multiple languages, and am a reigning champion in a local trivia tournament. People magazine, I don't what your criteria are for sexy, but I know that I pass any objective test of sexy (and if I don't, well, then that test clearly is not objective and is therefore beneath the use of such a lauded publication as People magazine).
"But, Rob," you may say, because I am a benevolent narrator who allows you an opportunity to voice your concerns as a strawman, "you don't have the rippling muscles of Christ Hemsworth or the dulcet voice of Sean Connery or the... something of Channing Tatum!" Oh, People magazine. Haven't you heard? Real women have curves. As such, because equality and things like that, my body is a wonderland and is beautiful and sexy without such hard angles. So I have child-bearing hips with a little bit of pudge in my butt- that just shows that I'm real. And real, People magazine, is sexy (but not as much as smart, which, let's face it, is what I'm really banking on here).
Now that we've established that I meet the criteria necessary to be sexy, we come to the second and more perplexing criterion: "Man." At first glance, this seems like a slam dunk, but that assumes that we're equating maleness with manliness. To be sure, I am anatomically male. I can assume that I am also chromosomally male (although I can't say with absolute certainty that there weren't some weird events in gene activation that may have resulted in the development of an anatomical male on a female chromosomal background). I even identify as male in terms of gender identity. But am I a man?
A lot of criteria are thrown out in popular culture as to what makes a man. Maleness tends to be a prerequisite, obviously, but there are plenty of rules that are set out there. The ability to cook various meats properly on a grill. A good chili recipe. The knowledge of how to fire a gun. A thirst for adventure. I say that these are all wonderful things for people to have. I also say that one of the most important things about being a man is ignoring bullshit rules like that and finding your own way. Can I cook meats on a grill? To a point- I'm better at preparing them for the grill, but I can get my tongs dirty when necessary. Do I have a good chili recipe? Alas, no- I have THE BEST chili recipe (well, it's more of an outline than a hard and fast recipe, but that's what makes it such a good chili recipe). I can certainly fire a gun, and I've been on plenty of adventures. I can tie a bowtie. I have an appreciation for good wine, nice shoes, and Impressionist art. I can wax poetic about comic books and nineties cartoons. I have scaled mountains and paddled along rivers. But does any of this make me a man in the eyes of People magazine (the only eyes that really count, because if you can't be the Sexiest Man Alive, why be a sexy man at all?)?
I dare to posit that, no, none of this makes me a man in the eyes of People magazine (which is a magazine and therefore doesn't really have eyes, but you understand what I'm going for here, right? Of course you do, People magazine. You're so understanding. Hold me.). However, I do have a pretty phenomenal beard, which I think is more than enough to grant me entry into the illustrious club of People magazine's Man Society.
So, to review. We've established that I at least meet the bare minimum requirements for sexy (if not sexiest, which, I mean, People magazine, come on. Having read this, you're probably pretty convinced already of my raw animal magnetism, which may explain all the flies that like to hang around in my room). We just established that I probably meet whatever arbitrary requirements may or may not exist for being a man (i.e., being male, not caring about rules of manliness but being willing to adhere to them when they suit your purposes, and having kickass beard).
Why, then, did I not receive an invitation to apply to become the Sexiest Man Alive, People magazine? Well, given the aforementioned explanations as to how I meet the first two criteria set forth, I suppose that I should investigate the last one.
Am I alive? As I said, I have done and learned how to do some pretty impressive things in my time. I have seen the flower parade in Nice, have spent a spring afternoon in a Parisian park, have brought audiences to tears with renditions of Dickensian fathers, yes, but have I done any of that lately? All that makes me who I am is in the past, including the very words that I type here, People magazine. Someday, I may be a doctor twice over who runs races and climbs mountains and bakes amazing soufflés that bring those who eat them to tears, but all of this is potential that is as yet unrealized and may remain unrealized. I have been my past and I may be my future, but am I my present? Briefly, am I alive?
Given that People magazine is a magazine that is in good public standing; given that to be in good public standing, one must be honorable and honest, which means that honors are given to those that most merit them; given that People magazine grants an honor of Sexiest Man Alive; then, People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive must be the Sexiest Man Alive.
Given that there are at least 3 billion men living in the world; given that the Sexiest Man Alive must be sexy, a man, and alive; given that 3 billion is too many to accurately judge without some sort of screening process; then all living men must be subject to some screening process for sexiness.
Given the above, given that Rob is both sexy and a man, and given that Rob did not receive any sort of invitation or screening materials for his sexiness, then Rob must not be a living man, but based on the second given in this paragraph, Rob is a man, so Rob must not be living.
Therefore, Rob is a zombie. People magazine, I'm coming for your brains.
Braincerely,
Brains
First off, I would like to congratulate you on your circulation. Even though I'm not sure what exactly you do (profiles on each person as they go through life at least once? That must be tough with some of the infant mortality rates out there). I mean, I'm sure somebody out there knows what you do and reads you. Despite all of that, you seem to be putting up some pretty impressive numbers. Be warned, though- I've got over 12,000 page views from at least ten different countries, so I'm coming for you.
Second off, I'd like to congratulate Chris Hemsworth on being selected as your choice for the Sexiest Man Alive in 2014. He is certainly a fine looking man, and he's done some pretty great stuff in the movies I've seen him in.
 |
| Having this wallpaper on your computer may make it pregnant with a Terminator. Chris Hemsworth. He's so hot right now. Chris Hemsworth. |
But is he really the sexiest man alive? I'm sure that there are some folks out there who would swear by various opera singers or older actors, and Sean Connery is certainly still alive and kicking, as is Harrison Ford. Out of all these options, is he still really the top pick? I'm getting a little off topic, but bear with me.
I can't speak too much to the merits of other performers and celebrities who may have been overlooked for the title this year. Maybe they all declined as a statement about the lack of male Asian romantic leads in American cinema. I can't say. I am, however, curious as to why I did not receive an application for this honor. I've been trying to work this out in my head with varying degrees of success, and I wanted to share my reasoning with you to make sure that I'm not missing any major points.
The title we're looking at is Sexiest Man Alive, right? So that means that the honoree has to meet all three criteria- that is, "Sexiest," "Man," and "Alive." Clearly I have been found deficient in one of those three categories, or else I would have at least received an invitation to apply. Otherwise, is the title really accurate? As a potentially popular periodical publication, People, I would hope that you would have the integrity to thoroughly check your facts and only print such articles and information as have been thoroughly scrutinized for accuracy and content.
The first criterion is "Sexiest." Obviously, this is by definition a superlative adjective, so there can only be one.
 |
| Hence, Sean Connery. Unfortunately, he lost the following year to Clancy Brown, who in turn lost to Christopher Lambert. |
The fact of the matter is that I have been recognized by several independent observers as being sexy. I just confirmed with one that it is still the case. As I have mentioned before, my hair, despite its decision to gradually leave my head and thereby better expose my thinkspace, has been recently recognized as nice by a... lady at a local establishment. On a similar note, smart has been widely recognized as the new sexy, with multiple female celebrities and non-celebrities alike lauding the virtues of intelligent men. Personally, I am in the process of earning two terminal degrees, am conversant in multiple languages, and am a reigning champion in a local trivia tournament. People magazine, I don't what your criteria are for sexy, but I know that I pass any objective test of sexy (and if I don't, well, then that test clearly is not objective and is therefore beneath the use of such a lauded publication as People magazine).
"But, Rob," you may say, because I am a benevolent narrator who allows you an opportunity to voice your concerns as a strawman, "you don't have the rippling muscles of Christ Hemsworth or the dulcet voice of Sean Connery or the... something of Channing Tatum!" Oh, People magazine. Haven't you heard? Real women have curves. As such, because equality and things like that, my body is a wonderland and is beautiful and sexy without such hard angles. So I have child-bearing hips with a little bit of pudge in my butt- that just shows that I'm real. And real, People magazine, is sexy (but not as much as smart, which, let's face it, is what I'm really banking on here).
Now that we've established that I meet the criteria necessary to be sexy, we come to the second and more perplexing criterion: "Man." At first glance, this seems like a slam dunk, but that assumes that we're equating maleness with manliness. To be sure, I am anatomically male. I can assume that I am also chromosomally male (although I can't say with absolute certainty that there weren't some weird events in gene activation that may have resulted in the development of an anatomical male on a female chromosomal background). I even identify as male in terms of gender identity. But am I a man?
A lot of criteria are thrown out in popular culture as to what makes a man. Maleness tends to be a prerequisite, obviously, but there are plenty of rules that are set out there. The ability to cook various meats properly on a grill. A good chili recipe. The knowledge of how to fire a gun. A thirst for adventure. I say that these are all wonderful things for people to have. I also say that one of the most important things about being a man is ignoring bullshit rules like that and finding your own way. Can I cook meats on a grill? To a point- I'm better at preparing them for the grill, but I can get my tongs dirty when necessary. Do I have a good chili recipe? Alas, no- I have THE BEST chili recipe (well, it's more of an outline than a hard and fast recipe, but that's what makes it such a good chili recipe). I can certainly fire a gun, and I've been on plenty of adventures. I can tie a bowtie. I have an appreciation for good wine, nice shoes, and Impressionist art. I can wax poetic about comic books and nineties cartoons. I have scaled mountains and paddled along rivers. But does any of this make me a man in the eyes of People magazine (the only eyes that really count, because if you can't be the Sexiest Man Alive, why be a sexy man at all?)?
I dare to posit that, no, none of this makes me a man in the eyes of People magazine (which is a magazine and therefore doesn't really have eyes, but you understand what I'm going for here, right? Of course you do, People magazine. You're so understanding. Hold me.). However, I do have a pretty phenomenal beard, which I think is more than enough to grant me entry into the illustrious club of People magazine's Man Society.
 |
| Among other recent inductees is Kathy Bates. |
So, to review. We've established that I at least meet the bare minimum requirements for sexy (if not sexiest, which, I mean, People magazine, come on. Having read this, you're probably pretty convinced already of my raw animal magnetism, which may explain all the flies that like to hang around in my room). We just established that I probably meet whatever arbitrary requirements may or may not exist for being a man (i.e., being male, not caring about rules of manliness but being willing to adhere to them when they suit your purposes, and having kickass beard).
 |
| Jeremiah knows manliness. |
Why, then, did I not receive an invitation to apply to become the Sexiest Man Alive, People magazine? Well, given the aforementioned explanations as to how I meet the first two criteria set forth, I suppose that I should investigate the last one.
Am I alive? As I said, I have done and learned how to do some pretty impressive things in my time. I have seen the flower parade in Nice, have spent a spring afternoon in a Parisian park, have brought audiences to tears with renditions of Dickensian fathers, yes, but have I done any of that lately? All that makes me who I am is in the past, including the very words that I type here, People magazine. Someday, I may be a doctor twice over who runs races and climbs mountains and bakes amazing soufflés that bring those who eat them to tears, but all of this is potential that is as yet unrealized and may remain unrealized. I have been my past and I may be my future, but am I my present? Briefly, am I alive?
 |
| Well put, David After Dentist. |
Given that People magazine is a magazine that is in good public standing; given that to be in good public standing, one must be honorable and honest, which means that honors are given to those that most merit them; given that People magazine grants an honor of Sexiest Man Alive; then, People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive must be the Sexiest Man Alive.
Given that there are at least 3 billion men living in the world; given that the Sexiest Man Alive must be sexy, a man, and alive; given that 3 billion is too many to accurately judge without some sort of screening process; then all living men must be subject to some screening process for sexiness.
Given the above, given that Rob is both sexy and a man, and given that Rob did not receive any sort of invitation or screening materials for his sexiness, then Rob must not be a living man, but based on the second given in this paragraph, Rob is a man, so Rob must not be living.
Therefore, Rob is a zombie. People magazine, I'm coming for your brains.
Braincerely,
Brains
 |
| P.S. Please leave any doors to your offices open. I can't use the handles very well. Also, brains. |
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