It's November, and that means that it's clearly Christmas season. Christmas carols all around on every station, which is frankly absolutely ridiculous. "Oh, Rob," you may be saying (and because this is my blog and I control the laws of the universe here, you ARE saying it. Muaha.), "why are you being such a Scrooge? Just because you can quote A Christmas Carol at us doesn't mean that you should become pre-epiphany Scrooge. That's the worst kind of Scrooge. You know how some words don't sound like words when you say them enough? Scrooge is one of those words. Try it. Scrooge. Scrooge." To which I say, "Well, dear reader, I have no problem with Christmas carols in principle (and I certainly have no problem with A Christmas Carol, because people say that if there's one man in the old city who could keep the spirit of A Christmas Carol, it was Ebenezer Rob). I just a.) don't much care for the Christmas carols that tend to be in rotation on the radio, and b.) don't think that I should be subjected to them before Thanksgiving is all said and done." Some of you may know where this is going. I'm... I'm sorry if you do. Nobody should have to go through that kind of horror.
"But, Rob," you may retort, now finding yourself disoriented by being in an entirely new paragraph. What will you do with your new linguistic surroundings? Maybe you should redecorate. Put in some new counters, you know? I hear quartz is the trendy thing these days, because granite? Fuck granite. Fuck carbon. No, carbon. No, I didn't mean that. I just think that those sorts of countertops are taken for... granite.
"But, Rob," you repeat, now further exasperated that you are once again in a new paragraph and were really looking forward to those nice quartz countertops with maybe a solid marble butcher's block for cutting things. It was really going to tie the whole kitchen together, and now it's ruined, thanks to me. Truly, I have gone made with power. I am the ruler of my domain. I am Robzymandias, king of kings. Look on my works, ye-
"BUT, ROB, WHAT ELSE ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO PLAY BETWEEN HALLOWEEN AND CHRISTMAS? UNLIKE BOTH HALLOWEEN AND CHRISTMAS THERE AREN'T ANY GOOD THANKSGIVING SONGS."
Geez. You didn't have to shout. Also, you're wrong. Well, no, you're not wrong. You're half wrong. There aren't any good Thanksgiving songs, but there IS an incredibly awful one, which is almost the same thing. I'm talking, of course, about "It's Thanksgiving," by Nicole Westbrook. No. Don't Google it. Don't try to watch it. It really is just that bad. And I'm going to take you through it. Never say that I don't make sacrifices for this blog.
The video begins. It's November 201_. It may actually be November 201, A.D., but I don't think that they had such generic calendars back then. Also, I don't think Thanksgiving was around back then, despite what the History Channel would have you believe. There are some "whoa-oh-ohs" and some "ye-e-eahs." She picks up a Sharpie, and I think she's going- yes. Yes. She marked an X on the calendar. Who even does that anymore? I had enough trouble keeping up with those tear-away day-by-day calendars that I had growing up (even though they usually had a funny comic strip or a potentially useful bit of information). There's no WAY that I would have remembered to put an X on each day after it passes. OH SNAP. She threw in an "All right." Truly, she is a lyrical mastermind of the highest order. She is way too happy about marking that day off the calendar.
And now we're to the Oh Ohs. She's sitting on a bed, alone, wearing way too much makeup. Her shirt says, "DANCE UNTIL DAWN." Where are her parents? Were they murdered? Is she Batman? Where is Alfred? Someone needs to tell this child that she should not be dancing until dawn and should not be wearing that much makeup. She is 12, TOPS. She gives what I can only assume was supposed to be a sultry, "Come on," which fails pretty dramatically BECAUSE SHE IS TWELVE. NO. STOP TRYING TO SEXUALIZE TWELVE YEAR OLDS, MUSIC VIDEO DIRECTOR.
She's apparently wide awake. This may be due to the cocaine necessary to dance until dawn. This girl has a drug problem, and we're filming it? Is this a snuff film? Aren't those illegal? Now she's thanking me. Is it for the cocaine? I didn't give her any cocaine, officer. I wouldn't know where to find- well, okay, fine, yes, you tend to find cocaine in research labs and some doctors' offices, but I'm not doing that kind of research, nor do I want to be that kind of doctor.
She's thanking me for the things I've done and the things I did, ooh yeah. I am very uncomfortable right now. Is Chris Hansen going to come out of the other room? Am I on Dateline?
A group of small children- okay, fine, I guess they're more tweens, which just reminds me of polysorbate detergents and how frickin' viscous and sticky they are. I probably should not have put the words "viscous" and "sticky" in the same sentence as "tweens." Chris Hansen is definitely going to show up at my house now. Anyway, these small children (WITHOUT AN ADULT IN SIGHT) are singing about how December was Christmas. They're giving the thumbs up, except for one girl in the back. You might think she was extending her index finger and thumb to cradle her chin and look a little thoughtful and sophisticated. You'd be wrong. She's trying to shoot herself with her finger, but the video is so vapid that it has made her forget that her finger doesn't have bullets and that she's probably have to actually be pointing it at her head to be successful. Also, December was not Christmas. Christmas was certainly in December, but that's less than 3.3% of December.
Apparently January was New Year's? Again, I think they have some trouble with math. Also, WHY ARE THESE KIDS UP SO LATE? WHERE ARE THEIR PARENTS?
"April was Easter. And the Fourth of July." In their world, society has degraded so terribly without adults around that a.) Easter is on the same day every year (which does not happen, because REAL Easter happens in March sometimes) it coincides with the Fourth of July. The Fourth of July, their celebration of independence, has become so important that it takes months to properly honor.
Oh. OH. This is a music video adaptation of Lord of the Flies. I get it now. She's Simon, and this is her conversation with the rotting pig head.
Now it's Thanksgiving. After months of celebrating, they've gone to work to bring in what meager harvest they have (what with having celebrated their freedom from the shackles of adulthood from April to July) , and they have to give thanks to their pig head and the conch shell about how they might just survive another year. That's why "We we we are gonna have a good time." At first blush, this may appear to be a reference to the style of Rebecca Black's "Friday," wherein "We we we so excited," but on deeper examination, this is actually a means of insulting Piggy for his nickname. This will again become clear later.
This girl is also cooking, which is troubling. Shouldn't adults be handling that? Adults should be handling that. I don't even know what she's making, but it looks awful. Get an adult or Gordon Ramsay or Rachel Freaking Ray in there to handle shit.
Oh, now they're listing the menu. There's:
That's it. Clearly, the harvest was not ideal this year, and they have angered the pig head conch shell god. It demands a sacrifice. But, hey, we we we are gonna have a good time with the turkey (AYY!) and mashed potatoes (AYY!). It's Thanksgiving. (She also appears to be preparing Kraft macaroni and cheese, which does not belong at a Thanksgiving table, unless you're in a society ruled by children and tweens. Once again, the culture of this video may be lost if you don't read the signs.)"But, Rob," you may retort, now finding yourself disoriented by being in an entirely new paragraph. What will you do with your new linguistic surroundings? Maybe you should redecorate. Put in some new counters, you know? I hear quartz is the trendy thing these days, because granite? Fuck granite. Fuck carbon. No, carbon. No, I didn't mean that. I just think that those sorts of countertops are taken for... granite.
 |
| Fozzie knows what I'm talking about. |
"But, Rob," you repeat, now further exasperated that you are once again in a new paragraph and were really looking forward to those nice quartz countertops with maybe a solid marble butcher's block for cutting things. It was really going to tie the whole kitchen together, and now it's ruined, thanks to me. Truly, I have gone made with power. I am the ruler of my domain. I am Robzymandias, king of kings. Look on my works, ye-
"BUT, ROB, WHAT ELSE ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO PLAY BETWEEN HALLOWEEN AND CHRISTMAS? UNLIKE BOTH HALLOWEEN AND CHRISTMAS THERE AREN'T ANY GOOD THANKSGIVING SONGS."
Geez. You didn't have to shout. Also, you're wrong. Well, no, you're not wrong. You're half wrong. There aren't any good Thanksgiving songs, but there IS an incredibly awful one, which is almost the same thing. I'm talking, of course, about "It's Thanksgiving," by Nicole Westbrook. No. Don't Google it. Don't try to watch it. It really is just that bad. And I'm going to take you through it. Never say that I don't make sacrifices for this blog.
 |
| This is Nicole Westbrook, and she will be our tour guide through this insanity. |
And now we're to the Oh Ohs. She's sitting on a bed, alone, wearing way too much makeup. Her shirt says, "DANCE UNTIL DAWN." Where are her parents? Were they murdered? Is she Batman? Where is Alfred? Someone needs to tell this child that she should not be dancing until dawn and should not be wearing that much makeup. She is 12, TOPS. She gives what I can only assume was supposed to be a sultry, "Come on," which fails pretty dramatically BECAUSE SHE IS TWELVE. NO. STOP TRYING TO SEXUALIZE TWELVE YEAR OLDS, MUSIC VIDEO DIRECTOR.
She's apparently wide awake. This may be due to the cocaine necessary to dance until dawn. This girl has a drug problem, and we're filming it? Is this a snuff film? Aren't those illegal? Now she's thanking me. Is it for the cocaine? I didn't give her any cocaine, officer. I wouldn't know where to find- well, okay, fine, yes, you tend to find cocaine in research labs and some doctors' offices, but I'm not doing that kind of research, nor do I want to be that kind of doctor.
She's thanking me for the things I've done and the things I did, ooh yeah. I am very uncomfortable right now. Is Chris Hansen going to come out of the other room? Am I on Dateline?
 |
| I need an adult. |
A group of small children- okay, fine, I guess they're more tweens, which just reminds me of polysorbate detergents and how frickin' viscous and sticky they are. I probably should not have put the words "viscous" and "sticky" in the same sentence as "tweens." Chris Hansen is definitely going to show up at my house now. Anyway, these small children (WITHOUT AN ADULT IN SIGHT) are singing about how December was Christmas. They're giving the thumbs up, except for one girl in the back. You might think she was extending her index finger and thumb to cradle her chin and look a little thoughtful and sophisticated. You'd be wrong. She's trying to shoot herself with her finger, but the video is so vapid that it has made her forget that her finger doesn't have bullets and that she's probably have to actually be pointing it at her head to be successful. Also, December was not Christmas. Christmas was certainly in December, but that's less than 3.3% of December.
Apparently January was New Year's? Again, I think they have some trouble with math. Also, WHY ARE THESE KIDS UP SO LATE? WHERE ARE THEIR PARENTS?
"April was Easter. And the Fourth of July." In their world, society has degraded so terribly without adults around that a.) Easter is on the same day every year (which does not happen, because REAL Easter happens in March sometimes) it coincides with the Fourth of July. The Fourth of July, their celebration of independence, has become so important that it takes months to properly honor.
Oh. OH. This is a music video adaptation of Lord of the Flies. I get it now. She's Simon, and this is her conversation with the rotting pig head.
Now it's Thanksgiving. After months of celebrating, they've gone to work to bring in what meager harvest they have (what with having celebrated their freedom from the shackles of adulthood from April to July) , and they have to give thanks to their pig head and the conch shell about how they might just survive another year. That's why "We we we are gonna have a good time." At first blush, this may appear to be a reference to the style of Rebecca Black's "Friday," wherein "We we we so excited," but on deeper examination, this is actually a means of insulting Piggy for his nickname. This will again become clear later.
This girl is also cooking, which is troubling. Shouldn't adults be handling that? Adults should be handling that. I don't even know what she's making, but it looks awful. Get an adult or Gordon Ramsay or Rachel Freaking Ray in there to handle shit.
Oh, now they're listing the menu. There's:
- Turkey (AYY!)
- Mashed potatoes (AYY!)
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| IF THEY DIDN'T WANT ME TO HEAR THE MESSAGES THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE BROADCAST THEM INTO MY TEETH. |
School is out, and she can shout. Yes, of course it is. Something has removed all adults from this world, so there can be no teachers. Nobody can teach these kids HOW to cook and celebrate holidays properly. This is truly a tragic world, and yet she is thankful. I can tell if she's Simon or Jack. Is she thankful for the simple gifts they have been able to bring together, or is she thankful for the freedom afforded to her by this new world order? Time will tell, dear reader. Time will tell. She affirms that, no matter what, Thanksgiving is her favorite holiday. Is she repressing the knowledge that all the adults she once knew are gone? Or is she thankful that, somehow, society has maintained itself for another year and she doesn't have to flee from the horrors of newfound anarchy (the verwirrung, if you will, and you will)?
Oh, good Lord, now this is happening.
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| WHERE IS YOUR CHRIS HANSEN NOW? |
He's repeating this calendar. Is that their mantra of madness on this island? IS HE THE LORD OF THE FLIES? He must be. He is far too excited by the prospect of Thanksgiving. He knows a sacrifice is coming. He knows, and he hungers.
People are arriving, and the table is being set. The lyrics mistake a rack of barbecue spareribs for turkey. They mistake what I have been told is canned cranberry sauce for mashed potatoes.
 |
| The sacrifice has been found. Let it begin. |
The Lord of the Flies rolls up in a black luxury sedan. He is wearing a turkey costume, smiling maniacally. He knows what awaits inside. That's right.
A rap interlude.
I'm sure this fits with the Lord of the Flies parallels somehow, but I can't place it yet. Oh, there it is. "Nothing is forbidden." Even if she was once Simon, she has become Jack. Anarchy must reign. Thanksgiving must begin. Can't be hateful. Gotta be grateful. These are the rules of the land when children rule. Drumsticks must be used as microphones.
Time has become unstuck. The Lord of the Flies, in full turkey regalia, is grilling at the Fourth of July. Their nascent society has collapsed. A picture is taken, and it is all that will remain of this glimpse of freedom beyond the tyranny of adulthood.
It was Thanksgiving. But now it's Christmas. So sing on with your Little Drummer Boy and your Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Let them reign, dear reader. For Thanksgiving will come again, and the turkey will hunger once more.
A rap interlude.
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| This is a real face from the video and properly sums up everyone's feelings regarding this moment, if not the whole video. |
Time has become unstuck. The Lord of the Flies, in full turkey regalia, is grilling at the Fourth of July. Their nascent society has collapsed. A picture is taken, and it is all that will remain of this glimpse of freedom beyond the tyranny of adulthood.
It was Thanksgiving. But now it's Christmas. So sing on with your Little Drummer Boy and your Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Let them reign, dear reader. For Thanksgiving will come again, and the turkey will hunger once more.
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