I'll go ahead and start off this post by apologizing for last night. As you may or may not have noticed, there was not a post last night. I was out with The Lady for a friend's birthday, and we got home pretty late. As you know, birthdays come but once a year, and we were making quite merry.
Now, don't you have something to say? Maybe an apology for not noticing that I didn't post last night? Maybe you're going to double my salary for a start, and Tim is going to grow strong, and we'll discuss the particulars over a Christmas bowl? Maybe you're going to tell me to put some more coal on the fire before I dot another "i"?
Anyhoo, as a result of missing last night, I'm going to try to scramble and get out two entries today. (Note: It is now 5:30 PM. I had to run into lab for a while, and I have gotten all of 2 paragraphs further since I got home. The second entry is not looking good for today. As recompense, have a God knows what the second one is going to be about. Probably a detailed description of a nosebleed when I was six in a rental minivan. Maybe I'll even throw in a play by play of the drive between Charleston and Memphis.
But despite the potential for a white knuckle adventure of two people in a car listening to GPS (or a graphic description of throwing a clot), I'll leave that for another blog post. Yeah, I'm a big friggin' tease. Oh. Oh, great. Firefox is now recognizing everything I type as being French, and therefore everything is misspelled. I AM NOT MAKING UP WORDS, FIREFOX.
There we go. Something just clicked and made it realize that I'm speaking English (albeit not the Queen's English, because I am neither a fabulous transvestite nor a New Yorker).
Now, with that out of the way, time for a spot of tea, a steak and kidney pie, and then on to business.
As some of you may know, Blogspot (or Blogger or Google+ or whatever it's calling itself these days. I really don't know, but it will always be better than Livejournal, which is still a thing, apparently.) has some means of monetizing your blog. I've been occasionally tempted to take them up on it, because, hey, extra scratch means extra Civil War generals and biopics starring Johnny Depp, and who doesn't need a little extra Johnny Depp in their lives, right? None of us. That's who. Thankfully, it looks like he's toning down his love affair with Tim Burton for a little bit (even though he's replacing it with one with Kevin Smith maybe? I don't know. I'm tired. Leave me alone. I also have to go to the fair shortly, as it is allegedly a veritable smorgasbord, and I intend to discover such frivolity firsthand.), but damn was he overexposed for a while.
Speaking of which, I feel like that would be one of the fun things to do with a time machine- go ten years in the past, find an average Joe (not a plumber, though, because they are exceptional folk), and say, "Hey, man. Check this shit out. You know Johnny Depp?"
"The guy from 21 Jump Street? Yeah. What ever happened to him?"
"You haven't seen the Pirates of the Caribbean movie?"
"The what? Oh, oh. No. That's a movie. Five years ago, I had a religious experience that told me that lights projected onto screens are the work of the devil."
"Wha- well, surely you've heard of them, right?"
"No, I don't read the newspapers, or as I like to call them, the devil's napkins."
"The devil's napkins."
"Yes, the devil's napkins. You don't think the devil eats the souls of charlatans and heathens without a napkin, do you? That would just be sinful."
"That makes no sense."
"Well, you just don't get it. I mean, I'm from Philadelphia. We believe in God."
"What does that even mea- wait. Wait wait wait. Are you Diane Keaton?"
"Yes."
"Have I somehow Quantum Leaped [Author's note: Quantum Leapt?] into Woody Allen doing Manhattan?"
"No, you've Quantum Leaped into my chocolate pudding. I was wondering why it was talking, but I figured that it was just some sort of devil's foodstuff."
"Oh, of course, since devil's food cake is chocolate, you figured that the chocolate pudding might be somehow Satanic."
"Naturally."
"Hmm. Well, is there some burning issue that you need me to help you with, Diane?"
"Yeah, I was wondering if I should just play the same character in all my future films. That seems to be working for me pretty well right now, and I don't think people will get tired of it."
"Oh boy."
"What?"
"Nothing, nothing. Sure, that sounds like a winning acting strategy. Um. If you don't mind me asking, what year is it?"
"It's 1989."
"Oh. Okay. That would explain why you understood the Manhattan reference and the Quantum Leap reference and earlier made mention of 21 Jump Street."
"Pretty much. That would be an appropriate conclusion to make, as Manhattan came out in 1979, Quantum Leap began in 1989, and 21 Jump Street debuted in 1987."
"Right. Hm. Well, this has certainly been enlightening. I'll be going now. Eat your veggies and drink your Ovaltine."
"Okay, Devil Pudding. Bye now."
"Bye."
Well, with that embarrassing moment out of the way, maybe you try again and find an actual average Joe in 2004.
"Hey, man, can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Sure thing."
"You know Jo- wait. First off, what year is it?"
"2004."
"Okay. And I'm not some sort of chocolate pudding, am I?"
"No. No. Why would you be?"
"Long story involving Diane Keaton and some pretty heavy-handed references to 80's pop culture."
"Oh, you mean like Quantum Leap and 21 Jump Street?"
"Actually, yeah. That even makes a nice segue into my next question- you know Johnny Depp?"
"The Pirates of the Caribbean guy? Yeah, he's pretty good."
"Yeah, well, see, I'm from 2014, and by 2014, he's going to be just awful."
"You're pulling my leg."
"No, see, Tim Burton is going to cast him in every movie possible-"
"But they worked together in Edward Scissorhands, and that was pretty good, right?"
"Yeah, but it's going to be, like, 5 years of just awful, awful Tim Burton movies. You know how he does that quirky but sorta dark style? It's going to get old really fast."
"Yeah, but that's made them money so far."
"In ten years, though, it's going to be stuff like 'Johnny Depp IS Tonto.'"
"That makes no sense. He'd be a terrible Native American. Okay, fine. That makes sense."
"And guess what else? You know who's going to be huge in 2014?"
"Who?"
"Ben Affleck, Matthew McConaughey, and Woody Harrelson."
"Okay, Woody, I can understand, but Gigli McDaredevil and Shirtless von Chick Flick?"
"Why did you make McConaughey into a German count?"
"I'm terrible at nicknames. My questions stands."
"Yeah, okay. Yeah, both of them actually end up becoming pretty well respected actors. Affleck takes a break for a few years, starts directing (you know, starts with smaller, indie stuff and works his way up), and he does a few films that get pretty substantial buzz. McConaughey does a few movies that do well and ends up doing a TV series with Woody Harrelson that is supposed to be pretty incredible."
"Wait, 'supposed to be?'"
"Yeah, I haven't really watched it."
"Wow, and you're the one telling me about pop culture ten years from now?"
"It sounded like a much better idea at the time. This clearly was not very well thought out. But, dude, isn't your mind just utterly blown by the actors who are big ten years from now?"
"Well, I mean, I guess, but isn't there something better you could tell me about the next ten years?"
"Hmm... Don't see the third X-Men, do see the ones with the younger actors as Professor X and Magneto, see the next few Batman movies. The Superman movies aren't awful, but they keep getting rebooted, so they're a bit of a waste of time. I know the folks who do Lost say they're not all in purgatory, but by the end they will be and nothing really gets answered."
"Anything NOT related to pop culture?"
"Well, I'd say something about how you're destined to fight Skynet, but that would be a terrible lie."
"And it falls under the purview of pop culture, which I specifically asked you to avoid."
"Yeah, well, sorry, buddy. I really thought this was a better idea than this."
"You were clearly quite mistaken."
"Oh, watch anything Pixar does, unless it's about vehicles, in which case avoid it like the plague. They're not ENTIRELY horrendous, but they're clearly more for getting kids in the seats and making some money for their bigger projects. Also, anything Christopher Nolan does."
"Well, naturally. Pixar and Chris Nolan are both wonderful."
Now, don't you have something to say? Maybe an apology for not noticing that I didn't post last night? Maybe you're going to double my salary for a start, and Tim is going to grow strong, and we'll discuss the particulars over a Christmas bowl? Maybe you're going to tell me to put some more coal on the fire before I dot another "i"?
 |
| Global warming is your reclamation's fault! Scrooge, you magnificent bastard, I READ YOUR BOOK! |
Anyhoo, as a result of missing last night, I'm going to try to scramble and get out two entries today. (Note: It is now 5:30 PM. I had to run into lab for a while, and I have gotten all of 2 paragraphs further since I got home. The second entry is not looking good for today. As recompense, have a God knows what the second one is going to be about. Probably a detailed description of a nosebleed when I was six in a rental minivan. Maybe I'll even throw in a play by play of the drive between Charleston and Memphis.
 |
| Riveting stuff, folks. Well, it was probably darker in real life. Literally. We were driving at night for a lot of it. |
There we go. Something just clicked and made it realize that I'm speaking English (albeit not the Queen's English, because I am neither a fabulous transvestite nor a New Yorker).
Now, with that out of the way, time for a spot of tea, a steak and kidney pie, and then on to business.
 |
| TO BUSINESS! |
As some of you may know, Blogspot (or Blogger or Google+ or whatever it's calling itself these days. I really don't know, but it will always be better than Livejournal, which is still a thing, apparently.) has some means of monetizing your blog. I've been occasionally tempted to take them up on it, because, hey, extra scratch means extra Civil War generals and biopics starring Johnny Depp, and who doesn't need a little extra Johnny Depp in their lives, right? None of us. That's who. Thankfully, it looks like he's toning down his love affair with Tim Burton for a little bit (even though he's replacing it with one with Kevin Smith maybe? I don't know. I'm tired. Leave me alone. I also have to go to the fair shortly, as it is allegedly a veritable smorgasbord, and I intend to discover such frivolity firsthand.), but damn was he overexposed for a while.
Speaking of which, I feel like that would be one of the fun things to do with a time machine- go ten years in the past, find an average Joe (not a plumber, though, because they are exceptional folk), and say, "Hey, man. Check this shit out. You know Johnny Depp?"
"The guy from 21 Jump Street? Yeah. What ever happened to him?"
"You haven't seen the Pirates of the Caribbean movie?"
"The what? Oh, oh. No. That's a movie. Five years ago, I had a religious experience that told me that lights projected onto screens are the work of the devil."
"Wha- well, surely you've heard of them, right?"
"No, I don't read the newspapers, or as I like to call them, the devil's napkins."
"The devil's napkins."
"Yes, the devil's napkins. You don't think the devil eats the souls of charlatans and heathens without a napkin, do you? That would just be sinful."
"That makes no sense."
"Well, you just don't get it. I mean, I'm from Philadelphia. We believe in God."
"What does that even mea- wait. Wait wait wait. Are you Diane Keaton?"
"Yes."
"Have I somehow Quantum Leaped [Author's note: Quantum Leapt?] into Woody Allen doing Manhattan?"
 |
| This train is heading straight for a town! We're off the rails! |
"No, you've Quantum Leaped into my chocolate pudding. I was wondering why it was talking, but I figured that it was just some sort of devil's foodstuff."
"Oh, of course, since devil's food cake is chocolate, you figured that the chocolate pudding might be somehow Satanic."
"Naturally."
"Hmm. Well, is there some burning issue that you need me to help you with, Diane?"
"Yeah, I was wondering if I should just play the same character in all my future films. That seems to be working for me pretty well right now, and I don't think people will get tired of it."
"Oh boy."
"What?"
"Nothing, nothing. Sure, that sounds like a winning acting strategy. Um. If you don't mind me asking, what year is it?"
"It's 1989."
"Oh. Okay. That would explain why you understood the Manhattan reference and the Quantum Leap reference and earlier made mention of 21 Jump Street."
"Pretty much. That would be an appropriate conclusion to make, as Manhattan came out in 1979, Quantum Leap began in 1989, and 21 Jump Street debuted in 1987."
"Right. Hm. Well, this has certainly been enlightening. I'll be going now. Eat your veggies and drink your Ovaltine."
"Okay, Devil Pudding. Bye now."
"Bye."
Well, with that embarrassing moment out of the way, maybe you try again and find an actual average Joe in 2004.
"Hey, man, can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Sure thing."
"You know Jo- wait. First off, what year is it?"
"2004."
"Okay. And I'm not some sort of chocolate pudding, am I?"
"No. No. Why would you be?"
"Long story involving Diane Keaton and some pretty heavy-handed references to 80's pop culture."
"Oh, you mean like Quantum Leap and 21 Jump Street?"
"Actually, yeah. That even makes a nice segue into my next question- you know Johnny Depp?"
"The Pirates of the Caribbean guy? Yeah, he's pretty good."
"Yeah, well, see, I'm from 2014, and by 2014, he's going to be just awful."
"You're pulling my leg."
"No, see, Tim Burton is going to cast him in every movie possible-"
"But they worked together in Edward Scissorhands, and that was pretty good, right?"
"Yeah, but it's going to be, like, 5 years of just awful, awful Tim Burton movies. You know how he does that quirky but sorta dark style? It's going to get old really fast."
"Yeah, but that's made them money so far."
"In ten years, though, it's going to be stuff like 'Johnny Depp IS Tonto.'"
"That makes no sense. He'd be a terrible Native American. Okay, fine. That makes sense."
"And guess what else? You know who's going to be huge in 2014?"
"Who?"
"Ben Affleck, Matthew McConaughey, and Woody Harrelson."
"Okay, Woody, I can understand, but Gigli McDaredevil and Shirtless von Chick Flick?"
"Why did you make McConaughey into a German count?"
"I'm terrible at nicknames. My questions stands."
"Yeah, okay. Yeah, both of them actually end up becoming pretty well respected actors. Affleck takes a break for a few years, starts directing (you know, starts with smaller, indie stuff and works his way up), and he does a few films that get pretty substantial buzz. McConaughey does a few movies that do well and ends up doing a TV series with Woody Harrelson that is supposed to be pretty incredible."
"Wait, 'supposed to be?'"
"Yeah, I haven't really watched it."
"Wow, and you're the one telling me about pop culture ten years from now?"
"It sounded like a much better idea at the time. This clearly was not very well thought out. But, dude, isn't your mind just utterly blown by the actors who are big ten years from now?"
"Well, I mean, I guess, but isn't there something better you could tell me about the next ten years?"
"Hmm... Don't see the third X-Men, do see the ones with the younger actors as Professor X and Magneto, see the next few Batman movies. The Superman movies aren't awful, but they keep getting rebooted, so they're a bit of a waste of time. I know the folks who do Lost say they're not all in purgatory, but by the end they will be and nothing really gets answered."
"Anything NOT related to pop culture?"
"Well, I'd say something about how you're destined to fight Skynet, but that would be a terrible lie."
"And it falls under the purview of pop culture, which I specifically asked you to avoid."
"Yeah, well, sorry, buddy. I really thought this was a better idea than this."
"You were clearly quite mistaken."
"Oh, watch anything Pixar does, unless it's about vehicles, in which case avoid it like the plague. They're not ENTIRELY horrendous, but they're clearly more for getting kids in the seats and making some money for their bigger projects. Also, anything Christopher Nolan does."
"Well, naturally. Pixar and Chris Nolan are both wonderful."
"Exactly. Well, I'll let you go about your business."
"Enjoy 2014."
"I will. Enjoy the recession."
So, yes. That's why I don't monetize my blog. It leads to bad time travel experiences that are just way too hastily written. That and the fact that I really dislike internet ads, which are the basis for monetization on Blogger/Blogspot/Google Blag. Potato, potato, right?
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