Okay, I've been staring at a blank screen for well over an hour now. Inspiration has gone out the window, and I'm just trying to get some words on paper so I can get to bed at a reasonable hour and prevent the problems that started this whole sickness mess. And for those of you who are worried, stop. Stop worrying. Yes, my boss sent me home yesterday. I probably looked like crap from several late nights in a row filled with coughing.
Yes, I felt miserable last night. Being dehydrated, taking a nap while dehydrated, and then coughing repeatedly will probably give you a bit of a headache, and you're still coughing. I'm fine. This is a cold that has just gone a bit sideways. If I start spewing blood from any unusual orifices, I'll go to a doctor. As long as it sticks to just the usual ones, I'll be okay. The boss said I looked much better today (citing something about being able to tell when somebody is sick just by looking at their eyes, which I think makes him the Quint of the graduate school).
It also doesn't help that the temperature literally swung up 40 degrees and then back down 40 degrees over the last few days. That's helping no one, unless it's waking up mosquitoes and cockroaches just long enough to freeze those chitinous little fuckers. Besides, a cough and a little bit of congestion? That's not even painful. I've been through AP exams with an ear infection that felt like strep throat because I was sleeping out under the rain and had to walk uphill both ways through the snow with a broken collarbone because those damned KIDS with their damned LOUD MUSIC (or what passes for music these days, am I right?) wouldn't GET OFF MY LAWN.
As an aside, one of my current Facebook ads is Lena Dunham leering at me like I'm her younger sister. Oh, Lena Dunham.
But enough of my diseased body and my distaste for current pop cultural figures (I'm looking at you, Jaden and Willow Smith. There aren't any novels you like to read? You need to look harder. That is the best thing. Writing your own stuff is groovy and all, but you're not stepping up to the self-improvement plate you're touting if you're just congratulating yourself for re-reading your own things. No, I don't re-read this very blog for ideas for posts or to walk down memory lane or while I've got some candles lit and some Marvin Gaye playing. I don't know what you're talking about, Willow Smith. I don't like the idea of candles in my apartment and I play Barry Manilow.). Let's talk about how freaking cold it is.
It is pretty freaking cold. No, really. It's quite nippy outside. I'm not too cold right now, mostly because I've mastered wearing lots of layers and having a beard to protect me from potential frostbite (and to store snacks for my long winter's nap). Last year was pretty cold, too (and by last year, I of course mean earlier this year when it was actually winter). We even got some snow, which shut the city right on down.
Now, I know more northern readers are going to give a knowing chuckle and a wink about how southerners don't know how to drive in snow and how that's just hilarious, and you're absolutely right. Southerners suck at driving in snow. I once got stuck 40 miles from home on the interstate because it decided to snow one March while I was heading home for spring break (because I never had better plans for spring break, and fuck you, my family is awesome). A truck had fishboned out (that's a word people use, right? Fishboned?) and was blocking traffic up the highway. Before this, I had been cruising at a nice 40-50 miles an hour, because it was just snow. I had a little bit of skid happen, but I (somehow) knew to steer into the ice to keep control, and everything was fine. I saw some other cars go off the road, though, and most folks were going WAY too slow for my liking. Then, it stopped. Once they cleared the truck, either there was another accident or the snow had built up too much for people to continue. It ended up taking me probably 13 hours to go maybe 50 miles. And, yes, that was ridiculous and (somewhat) unreasonable.
But in cities? Especially old southern cities with narrow roads? They're probably right about shutting down. I mean, these are cities that will be in the 60s at Christmas. Let's say it DOES dip below freezing. Let's say it goes a good bit below freezing, and then there's some precipitation. Oh, snap. It's snow. Everyone runs to get the bread and milk and pantyhose or whatever people think they need at times like these. (Personally, I stayed in and made bread and cinnamon rolls and probably a pie, because I was feeling manic or some such.) You know what happens to that snow when it hits the ground?
It melts. And then it freezes. And now there's ice. Do you want ice? Because that's how you get ice. And, yeah, snow isn't that bad to drive over. If there are patches of ice, it's not that bad. But when the streets are mostly ice and none of the cars are equipped to drive on ice AND THERE ARE NO SNOWPLOWS OR SALT TRUCKS BECAUSE IT ONLY SNOWS ONCE EVERY FEW YEARS, then, yeah, the roads are a little dangerous. Maybe people should stay home. Spend some time with their families, you know? Make sure they know they're loved before the Snow Miser or the Winter Warlock decide to take their lives as retribution for their solitude (or whatever Snow Misers and Winter Warlocks do. I didn't really watch those Rankin Bass specials).
Last year, there was ice falling off the top of one of our bigger bridges. I mean, they probably should have taken care of that ice before reopening the bridge, but that's still ice falling from a good 30 feet at least (Rob is not so good with the distance). That sounds terrifying. I mean, is it ice? Or are you reenacting that scene with Dave Chapelle's body from Con Air?
You know where that shit should NOT be acceptable? PLACES THAT GET SNOW REGULARLY. I mean, Memphis and Charlotte always seemed to get at least one day of snow a year. It would come, then it would melt, and people would go about their business. That said, once it started snowing, the airports (well, at least the FedEx side of the Memphis one) got to work and cleared everything up, because they'd be DAMNED if your Amazon shipment didn't make it there in the prescribed amount of time. Some things are sacred, y'all.
When I lived in France, it got cold pretty shortly after I got there. It was snowing in December (although it did get much more pleasant in January and February, even if the beaches in Nice were a bit cold for Carnavale [dons monocle, top hat, smoking jacket, pipe, and cognac]). I remember picking up my paycheck (because setting up banking was the worst) and deciding that, you know, I'd forgo just taking trains and maybe take a walk through Paris with the snowfall to get to the main train station. I'd take walks in the city I lived. At one point around Christmas, I think I almost got to the highway, probably ended up in another town, and had to sneak through a construction site to get home. I'd say something about my sense of direction not being horrendous, but let's not kid ourselves. There's a reason my walks would take so long.
While I was going on long walks, though, London and Paris travel was shutting down. Heathrow was cancelling flights (and I'm sure Roissy was doing the same). For New Year's, I was going to Germany, and my train got cancelled because there was too much snow by the border. Thankfully, they put us on a bus (which led us to a train station in Germany where we were supposed to catch other trains but they didn't exactly tell us that or have personnel at the station to let us know, which just left us in quite a lurch, but we got there okay BECAUSE OF THE SPIRIT OF LAFAYETTE and mostly a nice lady who spoke German who was able to point me towards my train in the nick of time).
So, yeah. We might not deal with snow too well, but you know who else doesn't? Other people. Yeah. Think about that for a minute.
And, really, we shouldn't be doing this whole regional sniping thing about the weather, because I think that we can all objectively agree that it is freezing out there. No, seriously. Today, every state had at least one place that recorded a temperature of 32 degrees (Fahrenheit, because the Kelvin scale is a little to big for our liking). It is really, really, really cold out there. I feel certain that there is something poetic to be said about this (maybe something regarding the world ending in a conflagration but, like, if it had to end a second time, it would be because it is really, really, really cold out there. That's right, The Lady. I can poetry. Consider yourself wooed.), but, goddamn, if it is not just too damned cold out there to come up with it.
 |
| Author's rendering of being sent home. |
Yes, I felt miserable last night. Being dehydrated, taking a nap while dehydrated, and then coughing repeatedly will probably give you a bit of a headache, and you're still coughing. I'm fine. This is a cold that has just gone a bit sideways. If I start spewing blood from any unusual orifices, I'll go to a doctor. As long as it sticks to just the usual ones, I'll be okay. The boss said I looked much better today (citing something about being able to tell when somebody is sick just by looking at their eyes, which I think makes him the Quint of the graduate school).
 |
| But, you know, with a less cheery demeanor. |
It also doesn't help that the temperature literally swung up 40 degrees and then back down 40 degrees over the last few days. That's helping no one, unless it's waking up mosquitoes and cockroaches just long enough to freeze those chitinous little fuckers. Besides, a cough and a little bit of congestion? That's not even painful. I've been through AP exams with an ear infection that felt like strep throat because I was sleeping out under the rain and had to walk uphill both ways through the snow with a broken collarbone because those damned KIDS with their damned LOUD MUSIC (or what passes for music these days, am I right?) wouldn't GET OFF MY LAWN.
As an aside, one of my current Facebook ads is Lena Dunham leering at me like I'm her younger sister. Oh, Lena Dunham.
But enough of my diseased body and my distaste for current pop cultural figures (I'm looking at you, Jaden and Willow Smith. There aren't any novels you like to read? You need to look harder. That is the best thing. Writing your own stuff is groovy and all, but you're not stepping up to the self-improvement plate you're touting if you're just congratulating yourself for re-reading your own things. No, I don't re-read this very blog for ideas for posts or to walk down memory lane or while I've got some candles lit and some Marvin Gaye playing. I don't know what you're talking about, Willow Smith. I don't like the idea of candles in my apartment and I play Barry Manilow.). Let's talk about how freaking cold it is.
It is pretty freaking cold. No, really. It's quite nippy outside. I'm not too cold right now, mostly because I've mastered wearing lots of layers and having a beard to protect me from potential frostbite (and to store snacks for my long winter's nap). Last year was pretty cold, too (and by last year, I of course mean earlier this year when it was actually winter). We even got some snow, which shut the city right on down.
Now, I know more northern readers are going to give a knowing chuckle and a wink about how southerners don't know how to drive in snow and how that's just hilarious, and you're absolutely right. Southerners suck at driving in snow. I once got stuck 40 miles from home on the interstate because it decided to snow one March while I was heading home for spring break (because I never had better plans for spring break, and fuck you, my family is awesome). A truck had fishboned out (that's a word people use, right? Fishboned?) and was blocking traffic up the highway. Before this, I had been cruising at a nice 40-50 miles an hour, because it was just snow. I had a little bit of skid happen, but I (somehow) knew to steer into the ice to keep control, and everything was fine. I saw some other cars go off the road, though, and most folks were going WAY too slow for my liking. Then, it stopped. Once they cleared the truck, either there was another accident or the snow had built up too much for people to continue. It ended up taking me probably 13 hours to go maybe 50 miles. And, yes, that was ridiculous and (somewhat) unreasonable.
But in cities? Especially old southern cities with narrow roads? They're probably right about shutting down. I mean, these are cities that will be in the 60s at Christmas. Let's say it DOES dip below freezing. Let's say it goes a good bit below freezing, and then there's some precipitation. Oh, snap. It's snow. Everyone runs to get the bread and milk and pantyhose or whatever people think they need at times like these. (Personally, I stayed in and made bread and cinnamon rolls and probably a pie, because I was feeling manic or some such.) You know what happens to that snow when it hits the ground?
It melts. And then it freezes. And now there's ice. Do you want ice? Because that's how you get ice. And, yeah, snow isn't that bad to drive over. If there are patches of ice, it's not that bad. But when the streets are mostly ice and none of the cars are equipped to drive on ice AND THERE ARE NO SNOWPLOWS OR SALT TRUCKS BECAUSE IT ONLY SNOWS ONCE EVERY FEW YEARS, then, yeah, the roads are a little dangerous. Maybe people should stay home. Spend some time with their families, you know? Make sure they know they're loved before the Snow Miser or the Winter Warlock decide to take their lives as retribution for their solitude (or whatever Snow Misers and Winter Warlocks do. I didn't really watch those Rankin Bass specials).
 |
| The Winter Warlock resents Rudolph's popularity. They all resent Rudolph's popularity. |
You know where that shit should NOT be acceptable? PLACES THAT GET SNOW REGULARLY. I mean, Memphis and Charlotte always seemed to get at least one day of snow a year. It would come, then it would melt, and people would go about their business. That said, once it started snowing, the airports (well, at least the FedEx side of the Memphis one) got to work and cleared everything up, because they'd be DAMNED if your Amazon shipment didn't make it there in the prescribed amount of time. Some things are sacred, y'all.
 |
| Our package, who art in limbo, tracking status will not load. |
When I lived in France, it got cold pretty shortly after I got there. It was snowing in December (although it did get much more pleasant in January and February, even if the beaches in Nice were a bit cold for Carnavale [dons monocle, top hat, smoking jacket, pipe, and cognac]). I remember picking up my paycheck (because setting up banking was the worst) and deciding that, you know, I'd forgo just taking trains and maybe take a walk through Paris with the snowfall to get to the main train station. I'd take walks in the city I lived. At one point around Christmas, I think I almost got to the highway, probably ended up in another town, and had to sneak through a construction site to get home. I'd say something about my sense of direction not being horrendous, but let's not kid ourselves. There's a reason my walks would take so long.
While I was going on long walks, though, London and Paris travel was shutting down. Heathrow was cancelling flights (and I'm sure Roissy was doing the same). For New Year's, I was going to Germany, and my train got cancelled because there was too much snow by the border. Thankfully, they put us on a bus (which led us to a train station in Germany where we were supposed to catch other trains but they didn't exactly tell us that or have personnel at the station to let us know, which just left us in quite a lurch, but we got there okay BECAUSE OF THE SPIRIT OF LAFAYETTE and mostly a nice lady who spoke German who was able to point me towards my train in the nick of time).
So, yeah. We might not deal with snow too well, but you know who else doesn't? Other people. Yeah. Think about that for a minute.
And, really, we shouldn't be doing this whole regional sniping thing about the weather, because I think that we can all objectively agree that it is freezing out there. No, seriously. Today, every state had at least one place that recorded a temperature of 32 degrees (Fahrenheit, because the Kelvin scale is a little to big for our liking). It is really, really, really cold out there. I feel certain that there is something poetic to be said about this (maybe something regarding the world ending in a conflagration but, like, if it had to end a second time, it would be because it is really, really, really cold out there. That's right, The Lady. I can poetry. Consider yourself wooed.), but, goddamn, if it is not just too damned cold out there to come up with it.
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