Today, in a fit of boredom and procrastination (the best kind of fit, really. Okay, fine, the best would probably be something involving a suit, but it's still way better than pique or mania or epilepsy, all of which are probably pretty awful), I read some fanfiction. I think Firefox wants me to split that into two words (i.e., fan fiction), but I'll be damned if I let spell check dictate my behavior like that. No, I won't inflate my word count by splitting up fanction into two words (i.e., fan fiction), because I can try to inflate my word count plenty just by rambling along like this.
Anyway, yes. I read fanfiction today, and it was a terrible decision.
What? You wanted more to the story than that? Okay, fine. On my travels around the internet, I came across an A Song of Ice and Fire (ASoIaF, for the acronymically inclined who can make sense of those vowels better than I can at the moment) piece about what would happen if Sean Bean didn't die in something. I was intrigued, because, hey, that's an idea, right? Sean Bean lives through something and goes on to do, I dunno, something good with his life? Gardening? A life of billiards? Starts a small café and starts a budding romance with a young daughter of the local eccentric inventor? Maybe starts hunting and becoming a pretty stand up guy around town? Maybe the young daughter of the local eccentric inventor is a little bit bookish? Maybe she's a bit ridiculed by the other townspeople and Sean Bean tries to include her? Maybe she goes missing for a few months and her father has this weird story about a Beastman sort of thing (which is ridiculous, even if you're in some sort of 80s movie/TV series, except I guess that that was Beastmaster. Wait, unless there were a Beastman in the He-Man movie from the 80s. To the Internets! Well, I'm already on the Internets, I suppose, so I guess I'd better take me a little looksie. What do you know, he was! He was played by Tony Carroll, who, I guess, was some sort of body builder, as his other film credits include Hercules in New York (wherein he was credited as Tony "Mr. World" Carroll). He was a Leo and is now dead, as you may have guessed by my persistent use of the past tense. Let's pour one out for Mr. Carroll.), and then she comes back and starts picking up the same weird Beastman story, which is absurd, because Tony Carroll is dead and never lived in that cozy little French village? Maybe he does the logical thing and try to get them both to seek some sort of professional help? Maybe he has some big sing-along in the local tavern about how great he is (because Sean Bean is actually pretty great)? Maybe then there's actual evidence of this Beastman, and he had kidnapped the cute bookish lady? Maybe because Sean Bean is Sean Bean, it's time to rally up a posse (because the police won't do shit about this, I mean, Beastmen aren't really in their jurisdiction, and there's also talk of moving funriture, and the guy has a freaking castle. This isn't the time for siege warfare, it's the time for action.) and storm the castle that got mentioned in that parenthetical just now (Sean Bean can now sense parentheticals)? Maybe in the process- wait. Wait. Wait. This is going to end with a dead Sean Bean. Dammit. Gaston Sean Bean still dies. Dammit, dammit, dammit. Why can't we just leave Sean Bean alone?
But anyway. Yes. I started to read this fanfiction (not a fan fiction, because we will not be oppressed by the violence inherent to the Firefox spell check system), and, surprise, surprise, it was not very well written. Okay, that's a bit ungenerous. It looks like it has a decent story going for it, and it certainly manages to keep to the general style of the original series and such, but the characters are using vocabulary that isn't really keeping with their canon voices, there are lots of stretches of dialogue without any internal monologue for characters who really should be having some internal monologue (which is one of the things that is nice about the books, I mean who doesn't enjoy a good internal monologue? I'm sure I'm enjoying one right now, probably involving pies or bacon or bourbon), and Sean Bean is alive.
Who am I kidding- I'll probably keep reading it, because I'm a bit obsessive about finishing things (The Electric Kool Aid Acid Test and A Confederacy of Dunces notwithstanding- that was a weird summer), hence my accumulating collection of webcomics that I have to read, because, dude, I have to keep up with my comics. WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO CHANGE THINGS- I NEED TO KNOW?
Anyway, I've gotten about halfway through a post without drastically changing directions (look, the Sean Bean thing was totally on topic, because we were basically talking about Sean Bean more than the fan fiction oh balls I meant fanfiction), and while I'm sure I had something revelatory about fanfiction and its role in society or some such nonsense (here's a hint: it involves pairing characters, probably in sexual situations, and wish fulfillment, but no seriously, there's some good stuff out there, and I'm being miserly about these sorts of things tonight), that's just not in the cards for tonight. OH HEY, THAT'S NEW- ROB HITTING WRITER'S BLOCK HALFWAY THROUGH. MAYBE HE'LL GO ON SOME SORT OF ENTITLED RANT THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SELF-DEPRECATING BUT REALLY JUST MAKES HIM LOOK BAD.
OOOH. MAYBE HE'LL MISUSE TERMS LIKE "IRONY" OR "META."
Guys. Guys. I need you to stay with me. We're not going to misuse terms like meta and irony. Not tonight. I mean, I might misuse terms like zeugma, metonymy, and synecdoche, if only because I've forgotten some of the nuances to their uses (and, I mean, who uses zeugma these days anyway? Not that it shouldn't be used more- it's a perfectly wonderful rhetorical device that I've heard of being used in delightfully adorable marriage proposals, but for my money, nothing beats a good milking cow and a herd of goats for a marriage proposal. Livestock are pricey these days. Shows diversification and forward thinking, assuming you know anything about animal husbandry. If you don't (like me), it shows that you're willing to take a risk and make what is in all likelihood a terrible, terrible decision.), but not because I've lost their spirits deep within my manly soul.
Well, except for synecdoche, because that was part of the title of what is possibly the most disturbing movie I've ever seen, and for reasons that I cannot fully articulate. Seriously. Go see Synecdoche, NY, and tell me that it is not just deeply unsettling on a visceral level. But zeugma and metonymy? They're pretty cool dudes. Or ladies. I mean, I haven't actually talked to them in person, so I can't be sure about their genders. No reason to think they're men, after all. Of course, I usually use "dude" in a pretty gender neutral sense, because I mean, we're all just trying to abide, you know? Do you know?
No, it's cool. You don't have to know. We're all learning in this thing together. For example, tonight we're learning that the Random Article function on Wikipedia is not providing much substantial fodder for blog topics, and yet the absence of fodder is in itself fodder for topics, thereby proving the concept of zero as a whole (but not natural) number. Because zero is not natural, it is an abomination and oh good heavens did this just start to go off the rails again.
Zero, I would like to apologize. I've got nothing against you. You're a pretty groovy number. We need you for some maths. I mean, it was really annoying when we had to show our work for regrouping in subtraction and it was something like one hundred minus seventeen, so you had to cross out the one to a zero, the first zero to a ten, the first ten to a nine, and then the second zero to a ten, after which you could finally continue on with your normal subtraction. I mean, my blood was up for just taking that seventeen straight out of the one hundred's flank, possibly using my teeth (which have rather prominent canines, so I will straight up Dracula that flank), and I have to pause to write out all these zeroes and tens and nines? This is unacceptable. This will not do. It was like having to do long division with a seven without using remainders (although not exactly the same, mind you, as subtraction and division are entirely different operators. This must be distinctly understood, or nothing wonderful can come of the story (if it may be called such) that I am going to relate.). I was glad to get to use fractions again, because, jeez, did that make everything easier. Instead of going on and on and on trying to find the pattern over which you could put that bar indicating that it was a repeating number, you could just make a fraction, dust off your hands, and walk away, presumably while the chalkboard exploded behind you in a demonstrative fireball, because, you're doing math, dude (it's gender neutral, don't have a cow, but if you do, are you asking me what I think you are?).
 |
| Mitochondria. Adrenoceptor. Arrestin. Immunoprecipitate. Ultracentrifuge. Putative. |
Anyway, yes. I read fanfiction today, and it was a terrible decision.
What? You wanted more to the story than that? Okay, fine. On my travels around the internet, I came across an A Song of Ice and Fire (ASoIaF, for the acronymically inclined who can make sense of those vowels better than I can at the moment) piece about what would happen if Sean Bean didn't die in something. I was intrigued, because, hey, that's an idea, right? Sean Bean lives through something and goes on to do, I dunno, something good with his life? Gardening? A life of billiards? Starts a small café and starts a budding romance with a young daughter of the local eccentric inventor? Maybe starts hunting and becoming a pretty stand up guy around town? Maybe the young daughter of the local eccentric inventor is a little bit bookish? Maybe she's a bit ridiculed by the other townspeople and Sean Bean tries to include her? Maybe she goes missing for a few months and her father has this weird story about a Beastman sort of thing (which is ridiculous, even if you're in some sort of 80s movie/TV series, except I guess that that was Beastmaster. Wait, unless there were a Beastman in the He-Man movie from the 80s. To the Internets! Well, I'm already on the Internets, I suppose, so I guess I'd better take me a little looksie. What do you know, he was! He was played by Tony Carroll, who, I guess, was some sort of body builder, as his other film credits include Hercules in New York (wherein he was credited as Tony "Mr. World" Carroll). He was a Leo and is now dead, as you may have guessed by my persistent use of the past tense. Let's pour one out for Mr. Carroll.), and then she comes back and starts picking up the same weird Beastman story, which is absurd, because Tony Carroll is dead and never lived in that cozy little French village? Maybe he does the logical thing and try to get them both to seek some sort of professional help? Maybe he has some big sing-along in the local tavern about how great he is (because Sean Bean is actually pretty great)? Maybe then there's actual evidence of this Beastman, and he had kidnapped the cute bookish lady? Maybe because Sean Bean is Sean Bean, it's time to rally up a posse (because the police won't do shit about this, I mean, Beastmen aren't really in their jurisdiction, and there's also talk of moving funriture, and the guy has a freaking castle. This isn't the time for siege warfare, it's the time for action.) and storm the castle that got mentioned in that parenthetical just now (Sean Bean can now sense parentheticals)? Maybe in the process- wait. Wait. Wait. This is going to end with a dead Sean Bean. Dammit. Gaston Sean Bean still dies. Dammit, dammit, dammit. Why can't we just leave Sean Bean alone?
 |
| "No one dies like Sean Bean; no one flies like Sean Bean; no one spoiler their movies like casting Sean Bean." |
Who am I kidding- I'll probably keep reading it, because I'm a bit obsessive about finishing things (The Electric Kool Aid Acid Test and A Confederacy of Dunces notwithstanding- that was a weird summer), hence my accumulating collection of webcomics that I have to read, because, dude, I have to keep up with my comics. WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO CHANGE THINGS- I NEED TO KNOW?
Anyway, I've gotten about halfway through a post without drastically changing directions (look, the Sean Bean thing was totally on topic, because we were basically talking about Sean Bean more than the fan fiction oh balls I meant fanfiction), and while I'm sure I had something revelatory about fanfiction and its role in society or some such nonsense (here's a hint: it involves pairing characters, probably in sexual situations, and wish fulfillment, but no seriously, there's some good stuff out there, and I'm being miserly about these sorts of things tonight), that's just not in the cards for tonight. OH HEY, THAT'S NEW- ROB HITTING WRITER'S BLOCK HALFWAY THROUGH. MAYBE HE'LL GO ON SOME SORT OF ENTITLED RANT THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SELF-DEPRECATING BUT REALLY JUST MAKES HIM LOOK BAD.
OOOH. MAYBE HE'LL MISUSE TERMS LIKE "IRONY" OR "META."
 |
| "Maybe he'll misuse words like... like SWELL. Or- or so's your old man!" Et tu, Professor Hill? Oh, sorry, Ajax, kai su, Professor Hill? |
Guys. Guys. I need you to stay with me. We're not going to misuse terms like meta and irony. Not tonight. I mean, I might misuse terms like zeugma, metonymy, and synecdoche, if only because I've forgotten some of the nuances to their uses (and, I mean, who uses zeugma these days anyway? Not that it shouldn't be used more- it's a perfectly wonderful rhetorical device that I've heard of being used in delightfully adorable marriage proposals, but for my money, nothing beats a good milking cow and a herd of goats for a marriage proposal. Livestock are pricey these days. Shows diversification and forward thinking, assuming you know anything about animal husbandry. If you don't (like me), it shows that you're willing to take a risk and make what is in all likelihood a terrible, terrible decision.), but not because I've lost their spirits deep within my manly soul.
 |
| "YOURS ARE THE HANDS THAT WILL TYPE A POST AND A GENOME!" |
No, it's cool. You don't have to know. We're all learning in this thing together. For example, tonight we're learning that the Random Article function on Wikipedia is not providing much substantial fodder for blog topics, and yet the absence of fodder is in itself fodder for topics, thereby proving the concept of zero as a whole (but not natural) number. Because zero is not natural, it is an abomination and oh good heavens did this just start to go off the rails again.
Zero, I would like to apologize. I've got nothing against you. You're a pretty groovy number. We need you for some maths. I mean, it was really annoying when we had to show our work for regrouping in subtraction and it was something like one hundred minus seventeen, so you had to cross out the one to a zero, the first zero to a ten, the first ten to a nine, and then the second zero to a ten, after which you could finally continue on with your normal subtraction. I mean, my blood was up for just taking that seventeen straight out of the one hundred's flank, possibly using my teeth (which have rather prominent canines, so I will straight up Dracula that flank), and I have to pause to write out all these zeroes and tens and nines? This is unacceptable. This will not do. It was like having to do long division with a seven without using remainders (although not exactly the same, mind you, as subtraction and division are entirely different operators. This must be distinctly understood, or nothing wonderful can come of the story (if it may be called such) that I am going to relate.). I was glad to get to use fractions again, because, jeez, did that make everything easier. Instead of going on and on and on trying to find the pattern over which you could put that bar indicating that it was a repeating number, you could just make a fraction, dust off your hands, and walk away, presumably while the chalkboard exploded behind you in a demonstrative fireball, because, you're doing math, dude (it's gender neutral, don't have a cow, but if you do, are you asking me what I think you are?).
Dadster here - do wish you'd cleared up that zeugma vs syllepsis thing, but whatever. Have you noticed that zero is in the same shape as . . . pie!?!? Coincidence? YOU decide!!
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