Once in a Lifetime

Things continue to be miserable. My boss actually sent me home today, which I'm still convinced was a trick, but I am in no condition to look that particular gift horse in the mouth.My head hurts, and despite a nap, I am exhausted, so let's try to get this post done in a hurry, shall we?

This may necessitate some soapboxing. Drop me a beat, Professor Hill.

"Consider that bamboozling beat dropped, friend. But you have to think about the beat being dropped."

Nah, nah, I'm not feeling that beat. You have failed me again, Professor Hill, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME.

Okay. I just saw an ad for the Lifetime Grumpy Cat movie that is apparently going to be a thing, because that's something that the people have asked for. I mean, I think Tardar Sauce is as adorable as the next guy (especially if that guy is Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart, because they are pretty adorable).

Elmo, on the other hand, has become freaking terrifying and wants to eat your soul.

I mean, I had heard that they were doing a movie about Grumpy Cat, which just seems like a poor decision given its recent irrelevance, but I accepted it, you know? Just like Marmaduke and Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Cars 2, I shook my head and hoped that somebody was being paid handsomely for attaching their name to that sort of thing. I'm sure Hollywood has a lot of give and take, so you get Hugh Jackman doing Kate and Leopold, or you get Ken Watanabe and Bryan Cranston in Godzilla. Yeah, there are certainly reasons to star in movies like that (I mean, I wouldn't say no to being in a Godzilla movie or playing a time-displaced duke, because dukes are far superior to counts), but that doesn't change that the movie is average at best.

But a Lifetime Movie? Really? Okay, here's the synopsis, according to IMDB.

"Grumpy Cat is a lonely cat living in a mall pet shop. Because she never gets chosen by customers, she develops a sour outlook on life...until one day during the holidays, a very special 12-year-old girl named Chyrstal enters the pet store and falls in love with her after realizing she is the only person who can hear this unique cat talk. As the two develop a close friendship during the holiday rush, Grumpy reluctantly thwarts the kidnapping of an exotic dog she dislikes, and on Christmas Eve rescues Chyrstal after the mall closes. Through her adventures, will Grumpy learn the true meaning of Christmas? Or will it be, in her words, the 'Worst. Christmas. Ever?'"

Yeah, that sounds like it could belong on Lifetime, but it really fits more as a Hallmark movie. Also, who names their kids Chyrstal? Chrystal? Yeah, I've met a Chrystal or two. I can believe that Chrystal is a name. Chyrstal looks like a typo. Here are some possibilities for what the REAL Lifetime Movie of Grumpy Cat should be.

Sandra used to be a professional and independent lady. She was going to law school, and everything was going great. Then she met Bill. Bill was a nice enough guy, and he seemed really charming. It was a whirlwind romance, Sandra dropped out of law school to be with Bill, and they got married. Then it all fell apart. Bill started drinking and really was letting himself go more than he should have. He started wearing sleeveless undershirts and would sit on a recliner watching Jerry Springer with his hands down his pants. He was the worst. Sandra was working shifts at the local diner (where she met her good friend Cassandra, because life is funny sometimes, you know? Life is funny sometimes. Cassandra is a sassy one, though. She's always ready with a vaguely pop-cultural reference to explain the situation, but it's never too esoteric.) and was just trying to make ends meet.

One day, though, Cassandra came in to work with a problem. She had a stray cat on her porch, and she already had too many cats. (I know, I know, it's a hard problem to believe, but that's why we have suspension of disbelief and the magic of Lifetime Original Movies.) Oh no! What to do? Well, Sandra agrees to bring the cat home (here's a hint: the cat is Grumpy Cat. I know, this is a shocking swerve. Rest assured, it is not the last. This will be a movie filled with shocking swerves.), and, hoo boy, that cat does NOT like Bill. It's giving him the stinkeye something fierce. Bill says as much. No, really. He literally says, "Hoo boy, that cat does not like me. It's giving me the stinkeye something fierce." You may ask, "Well, hey, why doesn't Bill talk in the third person?" Because that would be unrealistic, and Lifetime Original Movies are all about realism (okay, and suspension of disbelief and magic and most of all independent women who don't need a man in their lives).

Anyway, Sandra and the cat, whom, after an argument with Bill in which he calls it a "grumpy cat," she names Grumpy Cat (because, I mean, she's folksy. She could totally have passed the bar, but she's really easy to get along with, you know?). As she raises the cat, Sandra learns from its independent and no-nonsense ways. Bill is unhappy with this, and their relationship becomes tense. Sandra, meanwhile, couldn't be happier. She's found her spark, you know? Cassandra knows and says as much. She might even says something about how she got her groove back, were that not a previously existing property that could potentially result in lawsuits (lawsuits that Sandra would totally have won for Lifetime if she had stayed in school getting her degree rather than marrying that good-for-nothing layabout bum Bill. What did she see in him anyway? Her mother was right about him. Her mother was right about everything. All women are right about everything.).

Also, just to clear this up, in this version of the Grumpy Cat movie, Grumpy Cat doesn't talk. Talking animals are bush league and are for Hallmark Channel Original Movies, and we are better than that. You hear me? We are BETTER than Hallmark. This is Lifetime. We make ART. Hallmark is a bunch of hacks who make drivel with unrealistic protagonists. Our protagonists are NUANCED. Sandra's a people person, but why did she marry Bill? That's something for the audience to think about. She's got flaws. We are better than Hallmark.

Anyway, back to the movie. She starts bringing her cat to the diner, which would normally be a pretty big health violation, I'd imagine, but everyone is just charmed by Grumpy Cat. Their pants are just charmed all the way off. Her manager thinks about not allowing it, but Grumpy Cat has grumped his or her way into everybody's hearts. Business at the diner is booming, because I guess that is a thing that can happen in a Lifetime Original Movie (not a Hallmark Original Movie, though!), but Sandra starts thinking back to law school. She could have finished. She could have been a great lawyer. She would have won all the cases and become a Supreme Court justice, just like Susan B. Anthony (see, there's another flaw! She doesn't know history too well. SO nuanced.). She could have been amazing, if not for Bill. Bill... why did he have to be so aggressively mediocre and yet oddly appealing? Sandra begins looking at law school admissions.

Bill, on the other hand, is on a downward spiral. He is drinking more, his dinner doesn't arrive on time, his hand is always down his pants, it's just generally terrible. It's that damned cat. It waltzes on in here and thinks it calls the shots. Thinks it's got everyone thinking in three quarter time. Not in this house. This house is all about 4/4 time, like the good Lord always intended. He decides that he has to put things back the way they were, and that means he has to show Sandra her place. Oh, no, Sandra! Don't go back home- there's nothing good waiting for you there!

Sandra and Cassandra are having a nice night of chardonnay and Ben and Jerry's to celebrate Sandra getting into Harvardfordmouthton University law school, which is, like, the hardest law school to get into. Sandra worries about how Bill will react. After all, he's still her husband, and they've had so many... times together. Like that time he said they'd go to Paris and they ended up in Tennessee and Texas, because he figured that two Parises would be better than one.

Had Bill watched Voyager, he'd understand there can only be ONE Paris.

Okay. Fine. It's time to take Grumpy Cat home and sort things out with Bill. Sandra heads home with Grumpy Cat. There's probably some shots interplaying her driving and Bill sitting at home while a female singer/songwriter plays an acoustic slow jam in the background. She gets home, and the lights are all out. Bill growls out some sort of vague greeting and sexist comment about dinner or something (typical man, am I right?). Sandra mentions law school and how she's going to be great and how she still sort of loves him kinda I guess, so he should come with her and Grumpy Cat. Bill retorts that she will do no such thing and something about dinner again. He takes his hand out of his pants and moves to slap Sandra, but OH SNAP KIDS. Grumpy Cat leaps onto his face and gives him a faceful of cat claw. You go, Grumpy Cat. Sandra picks up the cat and throws her stuff in a suitcase and leaves (she's a fast packer, okay? Her talents know no bounds.). On the way out the door, she stops and says, "Bill, you know, I loved you. But now... you're just one grumpy cat." Door slam.

The movie ends with Sandra driving off into the sunset, looking lovingly at Grumpy Cat dozing in the passenger's seat. Everything... everything is gonna be okay.

So what did you think?